


Feathers Through Mid

by EmotionsofInk



Category: League of Legends RPF
Genre: Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Established Relationship, Explicit Language, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Minor Character Death, Supernatural Elements, Violence, myths
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-07
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-01-30 14:08:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 22
Words: 50,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12655077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmotionsofInk/pseuds/EmotionsofInk
Summary: Tro, Elsker, Nåde.Sometimes myths were more than myths. Sometimes they were real, and they came and ruined your life, just when you thought things were going so well.





	1. Mercy?

**Author's Note:**

> It's finally here! I have been working on this for a few weeks now and I finally feel like I have enough written to feel confident to start posting this. :) Please be aware this is going to be a very slow build fic, things are going to take a bit to get off the ground - but when it does - it happens fast :D
> 
> Timeline: happens after spring split, through gauntlets, boot camps and the start of worlds  
> Danish: there will be a lot of Danish in this, and so I don't butcher the language, I am not going to try to translate, any Danish spoken will be in italics ^^ 
> 
> Tro, Elsker, Nåde -- Faith, Love, Mercy

**All I wanted to feel, I wanted to love  
Its all my fault now**

\- -

_‘Is Jensen Salty about MVP’_

The youtube video of Sneaky’s stream highlights stood out like a beacon in the sea of recommendations. Someone had suggested it while he was halfway through streaming but he had decided against watching it then, it could have become quite messy. Someone else had also suggested that he watched it with Soren, which he was also considering. The midlaner was pretty good at reading people, telling if they were genuine or not and it was especially true when it came to Jensen. The team just figured it was a Danish thing.

Stretching slightly, wondering why he got up so damn early, Kevin opened the video into fullscreen and let it buffer, wanting it to be ready as soon as Soren got here. He didn’t have to wait too long, the midlaner was almost always the first one up.

“Do my eyes deceive me or are you willinging out of bed?”

“Haha, very funny - get over here, I was wondering if you have seen this?”

“Ugh.” Soren rolled his eyes, “Everyone’s been linking it to me, I just presume that it’s stupid click bait. Why do you care?”

“Because I know you miss talking to him, this could be the start.”

“Or the end.”

“Somehow I don’t think he’s that petty.”

Soren went to walk away, shaking his head before Kevin, quite swiftly, shot out his arm and pulled him in, looking Soren into a hug in front of the computer. “Ha - now you have to stay.”

“How mature.”

Kevin just poked out his tongue before playing the video - making sure to keep Soren in his clutches. They watched a few minutes of game highlights before the donation popped up on the screen

_‘Hey Sneaks, just wondering how you guys are feeling about the TSM win and how salty Yensen is about Bjerg getting MVP’_

_“Salty, I don’t think he is - shall I ask him? Yeeeeeensen?” Zach called out the name, drawing out the sound as he knocked on the wall - continually rapping on it, completely ignoring the client on his screen as a game popped up. “Jensen, Jensen, Yeeeesen!”_

_After a full minute of Zach doing this, commenting that he really didn’t have enough time to play another game so he might as well entertain himself, the sound of the door sliding open was heard through the stream, followed quickly by a very irritable Jensen._

_“What?”_

_“My stream has a question for you.”_

_“Considering what their last question consisted of, I am concerned.” Jensen slowly came into the view of the camera letting Zachary pull him closer._

_“How much percentage of salt are you now after losing MVP?”_

_“You think I’m salty?’_

_“No, the streamers think you’re salty.”_

_“That’s it - I’m leaving…”_

_“Noooo.” Zach pulled Jensen back, trapping him in a hug, mirroring the exact position that Kevin and Soren were currently in. “Tell me Jensen!”_

_Jensen huffed, “I am not salty, Bjerg is a very deserving MVP, if I had gotten it I would have been surprised.”_

_Barely seconds after Jensen had finished talking another donation popped up on screen_

_‘Yeeeensen, but you had the better split - your laning was better - love you, c9 for worlds’_

“Well that’s true.” Soren couldn’t help but interject, earning a small hit from Kevin as the toplaner told him to be quiet.

_“Even if you think that, it’s not just the lanning, the csing - the kills whatever you want to call it, Bjerg is a leader on TSM, a shot caller and a large part of the team's positive attitude. With all the other things that he brings to the table Bjerg will have to have a ridiculously bad split to not even be considered for MVP and we all know that is never going to happen.”_

_Jensen began pulling at Zach’s intertwined arms. “Am I free to go or do your Sneaky followers have more stupid questions for me?”_

_“My streamers are not stupid.”_

_“I didn’t say that, I said their questions were, hey guys - Sneaks just called you all stupid.”_

_“Yensen?’_

_“Mmmhmm?”_

_“The chat want’s to know if that’s a tattoo or not?” Zach poked Jensen’s right collarbone, where his dress shirt had moved slightly showing a cursive black word that glinted slightly under the dim light of the computer screen._

_“Annd I’m out.” And with that Jensen pulled his way out of Zach’s arms and literally ran out of the room. “Bye Sneakers.”_

_“Yeeeensen!”_

The screen went blank, the video clicking off suddenly, leaving Kevin and Soren staring at a blank screen.

“That was… enlightening - so good thing Jensen doesn’t hate you weird thing, he has a tattoo… I didn’t think he would be the type.” Kevin shook his head, a small smile on his face, it immediately slipped off however when he turned to look at Soren - the midlaner was not smiling, quite the opposite. “Bjerg… are you okay, was he lying or something?”

“No, no that was genuine I… _that better not be what I think it was, to think I…. is this why he stopped talking to me?_ ”

“You do remember I don’t speak Danish right?”

“Sorry, I - I got to go - I need to talk, to ask…” 

Kevin blinked, watching as Soren quickly got up from the seat and made his way out of the room. Something was wrong, he knew it. “Hey - Soren, man - what - is everything okay?”

“I don’t know, I just hope… I hope I’m wrong.”

Well - that was the complete opposite of reassuring.

**x-x-x**

Jensen had only been awake for a short time before the text message came through, he had barely opened it when a second one came through - followed almost immediately by the third. Jensen cursed whoever it was about their lack of patience until he saw who it was and what the text’s said.

_We need to talk._

_Now._

_Nåde?_

Jensen swore, quite loudly, this is exactly why he had cut off all communication with TSM, and his fellow midlaner especially, those few months ago. He would know, he would question. Jensen was seconds away from replying with a quick ‘No’ and forgetting all about it until another text came through.

_I’ll come around if you don’t AND I’ll tell everyone._

That was something Jensen wanted to avoid at any cost. The team did not need to know, Zach didn’t need to know. One final beep echoed around his room, the short sentence sealing the deal.

_Please, I just want to know that you’re okay._

He wasn’t okay - that was the point, but maybe it was time to finally let someone else know that and who better than someone that would actually understand, actually know. Jensen decided short and simple was the easiest to answer it.

_Where?_

The reply was immediate, telling Jensen that Soren was probably staring at his phone waiting for a reply.

_Old Place?_

The old place, back before Jensen had cut off all communication with Soren, (well with everyone really), there was a favourite cafe bar that the two of them and their teams would frequent. It was also quite handily halfway through between the two team houses.

_When?_

_I’m leaving right now._

Damn him, he wasn’t giving him any time to prepare and Jensen really wouldn't put it past Soren to make the rest of the way to the house if he didn’t show up.

_I guess I am too._

He almost hoped Reapered would stop his from leaving a house due to scrims or some sort of argument, but he was just out of the house with a sleepy smile, from behind a coffee mug. He barely managed a smile back. 

Soon enough he was well on his way to the coffee bar, his head was empty nothing in there to defend or try to hide the truth.


	2. Scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the wonderful feedback and those of you that took your time out to read this - it means a lot. Here we get a little bit more of an insight into what exactly is going on! :O
> 
> Once again any Danish is written in italics as I don't want to butcher the language XD

**angel of mercy how did you find me? where did you read my story?**

Something in his gut just plummeted at the sight of Soren sitting at the small coffee bar, out of the way of everyone. Jensen could still hear the whispers as he made his way over to the table, and the definite sounds of a camera clicks as he sat down opposite his fellow midlaner.

“Good Morning.” was the greeting, Soren sounding just as tired as he felt.

“Morning - when do you guys leave for Korea?’

“Boot camp? Five days, I expect you guys to join us after gauntlet?”

“You think we have a chance after that disaster with Dig?”

“You guys are the Kings of gauntlet after all.”

Jensen could tell by the tone of Bjergsen’s voice that he wasn’t quite happy with how the current conversation was going - he wasn’t here to talk work and they both knew it. “So, you saw Sneaks stream?”

“The highlights yeah, Kevin actually made me watch it - I honestly thought you weren’t actually going to answer it seriously. So I didn’t bother watching it until I was basically forced.”

Jensen shifted awkwardly in his chair, “It was well deserved, I mean that.”

“I know you do, thanks… That’s not why I asked to talk to you however.”

“I know, I’m just trying to delay it all to be honest.”

A small smile crossed his face at this. “Of course you were, and I would be the same, but you know, by ignoring it you kind of confirmed the whole thing.”

Jensen made a face at this, “Yeah, I figured that.”

“So…”

“So,” Jensen took a deep breath, closing his eyes and rubbing a hand across his face “Tro, Elsker, Nåde.” He tried to ignore the cringe that crossed Soren’s face. “My parents were pretty firm and avid believers of Shadow Feathers, and yes - it’s probably as bad as you think.”

There was a small silence before Soren found his words. “Fuck, Jensen, I can’t - can’t imagine, I’m sorry…”

“Please you don’t need to-”

“No, how long have I known you? Spent time, talked about our lives and about home - and it never came up, through everything I never even noticed.”

“I never wanted you, or anyone to notice. Why do you think I suddenly pulled away I… my parents were in town and, and they got what they wanted. The ritual was finally complete, so to speak.”

“Ritual is a nice word for scars and burning.” Soren bit his lip, shaking his head. He looked to Jensen tentatively as if wanting to see if his fellow midlaner was okay with questions, the way that Jensen waved his hand slightly, looking defeated was his okay. “I don’t remember much about it, I should have looked it all before coming here, but I do remember the age - how young-”

“I don’t remember much of it back then, maybe I was even too young to remember when it started. But I thought it was normal, I thought it was part of everyday life - until I got sent off to private school and none of the other boys had ritual markings on their back.”

“So it does go down all the way?”

Jensen nodded, a hand instinctively going to his right shoulder “Almost all the way down, the shoulder, the back -across my ribs - and then the collarbone to finish it off….”

“How the fuck have you managed to keep it hidden for so long, you guys have a pool and if you’re anything like us modesty around such things is not really thought about. Plus I’m almost certain Zach’s seen it at least.”

Jensen chuckled slightly at this, nodding, “Yeah well, make up and a lot of practice.”

Leaning back in the chair Soren regarded Jensen was an almost haunted look, his mind spinning. He had always heard folk stories and myths about this kind of thing growing up. It was even a story his parents had told him as a kid to scare him! Shadow Feathers, undead angels that gained immortality after being murdered.

If he remembered right it came from the belief that no parent should have to bury their child, hence those that believed it would create a ritualistic scar of wings on their children in hopes they would have them when they died. Then there was also the more cultists part of the myth in which some believers even went as far as killing their own children, to speed up the process so to speak.

It had completely terrified Soren as a child and here now it was, right in front of him - part of one of his best friends lives, and he had completely missed it.

“You’re looking at me as if I terrify you.”

“The stories I know about this terrify me and to think what you’ve already gone through…” Soren took a deep breath, an idea coming into his head that he hated. “You’re parents haven’t tried you know…”

“To kill me? No point untill the pattern’s complete - and even after that it has to set and be “ingrained into my soul” before they even try”

Soren turned slightly pale at this, “So… they might try now, seeming it’s all done.”

The way Jensen was looking at him Soren knew this was one question he really didn’t want to answer, in the end, he took a deep breath and answered in a very quiet voice. “Three… three months, yes.”

“MONTHS!” Soren suddenly shot up, raising form his chair. “And you didn’t think to tell anyone?”

“Well, I didn’t anyone to worry…”

“Worry, you don’t think Zach has the right to know this?”

“Especially Zach, he, he and I… I can’t do that to him.”

“But, but Nicolaj, really what if it actually happens, what will he think about that - we wouldn’t have had the chance to say goodbye, to say anything he’s always wanted to do, to prepare something and…”

“To worry me and treat me differently. It’s bad enough you knowing, I don’t know what I would do if he…”

“Does he keep asking you?”

“About what?”

“About seeing the tattoo, does he keep asking you?”

“Of course.”

“Then tell him - show him, even if you can’t tell him everything, the whole meaning at least… at least stop hiding it from him - please.”

Jensen sighed, leaning back and closing his eyes, it was hard hiding it from everyone, especially Zach - it was quite exhausting actually. But even if he did show him, he would still have to lie, he would still have to protect him from the the truth. He had to lie to keep Zach safe, and so that Zach wouldn’t run away from him in fear.

“Okay, okay - I’ll think about it - I promise.”

“Good.”

There was a small silence between them, questions, confusion, fear running through their thoughts.

“Thank you.”

“Hmm?”

Jensen nodded, over at Soren, a warm smile on his face, watery eyes showing his sincerity, " _Thank You._ ”

**x-x-x**

“You were cutting it close today.”

“Hmm?”

“Practice, you walked in just as Repeared was about to give the late speech.”

Jensen nodded, a sense of uncertainty suddenly niggling at him as he answered, “Yeah, coffee went a little later than I thought it would, plus he was pretty insistent on talking to me straight away.”

Zach gave a famous pout, “Seeing other men behind my back, really, I crushed.”

“It was Bjerg you idiot.”

A grin immediately filled Zach’s face at this. “So you decided to start talking to people again?”

“He saw the stream, and wanted to talk - like I said, he was pretty persistent - he would have turned up here if I hadn’t gone and seen him.”

“Aha - I knew it, it’s Danish isn’t it, man that’s who I should have asked, he would tell me.”

“I can tell you.”

Zach spun around in shock, half undressed, his t shirt half off and over his head, he surveyed Jensen was a quizzical look. “You will?”

“Yeah well,” Jensen blushed, rubbing the back of his neck. “I thought about it and I decided I wanted you to know, something I can share - with just you.”

“Just me?” A wide grin crossed Zach’s face as he crossed the space between them in wide strides. “I think I like the sound of that.” Taking Jensen’s hand he intertwined their fingers tightly and swung their hands back and forth, suddenly nervous. “Stay here - with me tonight?”

“That was the plan, just let me… I need to wash it off.”

Zach rose an eyebrow, “You’ve been going to those lengths… it was must be pretty important… are you sure?”

Jensen pulled Zach the rest of the way to him, giving the surprised brunette a quick kiss on the lips. “I’m sure.”

“Well, off you go then - quick snap.” Zach gave him a playful shove out the door, watching in both excitement and apprehension about what was going to happen - and exactly what he was about to see.

It had to be something different, something more than just a tattoo. Especially seeming the time and energy he was taking to cover is up, take into account the many many times Zach had seen him shirtless and it was all quite impressive actually.

Zach flopped down onto his bed, more a mess of blankets and pillow, and tried to act normal and calm as possible If this was going to be hard for Jensen he wanted to make him feel as comfortable as possible. That was what good boyfriends did after all, right?

Jensen stood outside of Zach’s room, psyching himself out for this moment. He was trying his best to come up with half truths and stories that completely got rid of the horror and death part but he was coming up empty, there were no lies coming to him at all.

Still, for some strange reason as his mind was screaming at him to stop and run away, his heart won out and he slowly walked into the room, taking extra care to make sure the door was closed after him. Zach was waiting for him, wrapped up in a blanket, a pillow under each arm looking so comfy that Jesen just wanted to forget this whole thing and join him.

But no, it was time to reveal the truth, even if that truth had gaping holes in it.

“Okay, here it goes.” Jensen let the towel he had covering him slid off his shoulders revealing cursive danish script across his right collarbone. “Tro, Elsker, Nåde, it means faith, love, mercy, it’s a motto of sorts, for a few danish families.

“That’s really… cool, but wait is there something else there I-” Zach’s words trailed off into a silent gasp, leaving him completely speechless as Jensen breathed out deeply, turned, and dropped the towel all in one quick motion. Zach now found himself staring at Jensen’s back and the etched ink that travelled all the way across and down it.

Feathers, creating wings across Jensen’s back, right shoulder, and down his arm were etched with such precision that Zach had to remember that it wasn’t real. He found himself scrambling out of his bed, hesitantly stepping forward and slowly reaching out his hand to run his fingers along the pattern.

The shiver that ran down Jensen’s back didn’t go unnoticed.

“This is… part of the mottoo thing?”

“Kind of, it goes along with a Danish myth, some people believed that giving your child wings in this life, meant they got them in the next - becoming guardian angels if you will.”

“Wow, and you had this all done those few months ago when you’re parents were here?”

“Just the words, the rest …. The rest was done when I lived back home, over many years.”

Zach hummed, continuing to run his fingers along the patterns. “They’re beautiful.”

“They’re scars.”

Jensen hadn’t meant to say that outloud, he knew by the way that Zach flinched and removed his hand he had however. Damn it all, Zach wasn’t supposed to know about that, pretty feathered wing patterns was fine, the fact that technically it wasn’t quite a tattoo - not fine.

“Excuse me?”

“I, ah, I mean because I got it done from a young age, and didn’t really have a say in the matter they feel like scars… so…”

Zach suddenly turned Jensen around, searching him with concerned eyes, which was pretty hard to do when Jensen dropped his gaze and tried his best to stare at the floor.

“Jensen, Jensen please - Nico, look at me.” He could never resist the nickname.”I’m sorry, these… scars, you’ve carried them for so long and all by yourself, well not anymore. I don’t know what you thought, that it would disgust me, that I will run - but I won’t. You are beautiful and you are worthy of everything, this won't change that - nothing ever will, not in my eyes.”

Muttering a soft thank you Jensen tilted forward slightly, grinning as Zach took the hint and wrapped his arms around him in a hug, securing Jensen tightly in his arms.

“If you want, we can talk another night and tonight we can just…. Be.”

“I’d like that, I’d like that very much.”

Without breaking the hug the two of them made their way to the bed, somehow managing to cover themselves in a blanket. Sleep came quickly Jensen feeling completely secure in Zach’s arms.


	3. Orders

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the wonderful feedback ^^ I hope you are all still with me? This chapter may seem a little filler but I assure you there are a lot of important little hints in it :D

**All day long my heart was beating  
Searching for the meaning**

\- - -

Jensen woke to the feeling of someone tracing the patterns on his back, his mind suddenly screamed at him, all his first and natural instincts told him to pull away and flee. Flashes of needles and hot scorching metal and the smell of his own blood flew through his mind. His whole body tensed - ready to flee and then, the tracing stopped, replaced by a soft hand on the back of his shoulder.

“Jensen, are you okay - did I do something wrong?”

All tension left his body at Zach’s voice, calming, concerning, strong. Jensen cursed himself for ever comparing his touch to the ones of blade and fire.

“I’m sorry, I’m just… not used to people touching it. Memories, they…”

“Oh, I should have known.” Zach removed his hand and placed a small kiss on his shoulder instead. “I did it almost subconsciously without thinking - I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, you weren’t to know.” Jensen sighed, flipping himself over a little bit, leaning on his elbow to stare at Zach, side by side, their faces inches apart. “So… what do you think our chances of being able to lie in all day are?”

“Ha, with gauntlet coming up, very, very low.”

Jensen grumbled at this, shifting forward to cuddle himself in Zach, “there’s no harm in trying, right?”

“No,” Zach with a small chuckle, grabbed the very large blanket and pulled it right back over them both. “No harm at all.”

It was peaceful, all what could be heard was the sound of the twittering of the birds outside the window, it was almost quiet enough to hear each other’s heartbeat. They had almost fallen back asleep again, when suddenly the door was thrown open and an annoyed voice called out.

“Alright Sneaks, up you get.”

“Nooooo…” The voice that called out from the bundle of blankets was not Zach’s, causing the voice to chuckle.

The blanket was unceremoniously pulled off the both of them. “You too Jensen.”

Zach made a sound of protest of the blanket being pulled off, snuggling even closer to Jensen as he did so. “Why do you do this to us Andy, you’re supposed to support man, that involves supporting our need to sleep and cuddle right?”

“It involves supporting you by making sure you get to scrims in time before Reapered has some choice words for you.”

“Man I hate it when he yells in Korea and Impact’s just in the corner laughing - feels super bad man.”

“You could always yell back in Danish.”

“Oh yeah, that would go down well.”

“It will go down well for my amusement…”

“Rude.”

“Whatever you two, I’m just here to warn you.” Andy couldn’t help but roll his eyes as he made his way out of the door. Stopping for a split second to add as an afterthought. “Nice ink Jensen.”

Jensen froze slightly, a deep breath leaving his body. “Fuck.”

“Sorry I know you didn’t want anymore to know.”

“I-I just didn’t want to answer questions.”

Zach rubbed a comforting hand across Jensen’s shoulder, placing a kiss on Jensen’s back. “It’s okay, Andy won't do that or tell anyone, you know that.”

Jensen nodded, he did know that he did, but the past, his memories, the paranoia had him on edge. Everything was just shifting back into the mind and he hated it. “I know, it’s just - old habits…”

Sneaky nodded in understanding before giving a large yarn and stretching. “We probably should leave though Repeared has a pretty short fuse this week.”

“Mmm, do you have something I can throw on?”

“Stealing my clothes now Jensen?”

Jensen just smiled, leaning it to kiss Zach on the tip of his nose. “You know how much it calms me, I need you right now, even if it’s just… a presence.”

Sneaky just grinned, getting out of bed and rummaging through his clothes before throwing one of his hoodies over at Jensen. “You are so cute, you know that right?”

Jensen suddenly found himself feeling very calm as he pulled the hoodie over over his head, his hair sticking up in all different directions as it got caught in it. “You’re cuter.”

“You’re cutest.”

“Idiot.”

“You know you love it”

Jensen grinned, “That’s not exactly what I love.”

Sneaky froze slightly at this, his breath catching in his throat. They hadn’t quite said those three words to each other yet, but he’ll take it, it was the closest either of them had got. He watched, almost in a daze as Jensen winked before heading out of the door, rushing to get to the computer room. Sneaky had to take a deep breath and try to contain his firing emotions as he made his way out into the room himself - trying to calm and ready himself for whatever the day was about to throw at him. 

**x-x-x**

“Repeared, ah, just exactly what are we doing?”

“Team building - to help with synergy.”

“Yes you said that - but that normally involves us being in game, you know actually playing…”

“Building trust and bonds out here leads to wins on the rift.”

“And besides that - when did you have time to build this?”

‘You guys are all just blind.”

Come to think of it, there had been weird shapes that were covered in sheets popping up in the backyard - something which they rather ignored - because spending time in the large back garden of the C9 house was something any of them hardly did.

The team stared utterly confused at what could only be described as a miniature obstacle course.

Zach tilted his head and narrowed his eyes. “How is - a simple obstacle course meant to build…”His voice trailed off at the cheeky grin on his coches face - who was holding up blindfolds. “I… shouldn’t have asked.”

Repeared just grinned, “Time for some shot calling.”

He threw the five blindfolds at the team - they caught them with confusion.

“Five what you mean -”

“One of you is going to be everyone else's eyes… Mister Smoothie?”

Andy’s eyes widened. “Oh, oh you want me to…. Oh this is not going to end well.”

What followed was an amusing scene of Andy attempting to lead his blindfolded team through the course, leaping from one wooden platform to other, clambering over walls, crawling under wire and through water, zig zagging, tiptoeing and balancing.

All the while being unknowingly being filmed by Robin.

As the team all collapsed in the grass, breathing deeply, covered in sweat, mud and water - a video suddenly popped up on Robin’s twitter - exploding the internet in an instant.

“That - that was insane…” Zach was failing miserably to try to catch his breath back, his head resting on Jensen’s shoulders as the blonde looked to be in the same state as he was. “I just - can we never do that again?”

“No way man - I want to beat Smoothies record.”

Zach narrowed his eyes at Impact who had just plopped down on the grass beside them. “You - want to try to get us through that, with your English? Perish the thought!”

“Haha.” Rolling his eyes, the top laner leant over to hit Zach across the shoulder but missed, whacking the almost asleep Jensen instead.

“Ow - rude.”

“Not my fault your boyfriend moved out of the way.”

Jensen hummed, “Mmm, true.” And in one quick motion twisted his arm around from under Zach and hit him on the shoulder.

“Hey.”

“Fair is fair.” Jensen muttered, smirking at Zach before resuming to attempt to fall asleep on him. “Now if my pillow would stop moving, I would appreciate it.”

“Come on Yensen, what are you complaining about - you did really well.”

“How do you think that?’

“You just - that wall, you pretty much flew up it…”

Jensen narrowed his eyes, a voice in the back of his head screaming at him. “Don’t be ridiculous Zach, I can’t fly, I’m just very good at taking…” _Orders_ “Instructions.”

The voice continued to scream in his head as he slowly made his way to his feet and was pulled along to the ‘starting line’ by Zach for the team to once again through the course, backwards - with Impact telling them what to do. The voice continued to scream at him as he did what he was told, and he tried, so hard to shut it up, to stop the screams of _orders, orders, orders_ from going around in his head.

But he couldn’t - so he just gritted his teeth - and hoped no one noticed the way that he was cringing.


	4. Golden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for all the support! :D  
> You guys all need to check out this amazing work by 'Dish of Fish', it is beautiful: https://imgur.com/a/INbe1  
> Reminder that any spoken Danish will be italics ^^  
> Cliff hanger incoming - you have been warned :D

**It was always you  
Now I know why my heart wasn't satisfied**  
\- - -

Sleep hadn’t come easy for him that night. Normally if he was having trouble getting to bed he would sneak his way down the hall and into Zach’s room. There would be no words needed, Zac would just mumble slightly, put his arm up and let Jensen snuggle into him. It always worked, no matter how high strung or worried Jensen was it was normally the one thing that got him to sleep.

Not tonight however, Jensen was not risking going to Zach when he was in this state The memories were to vivid, the feelings felt too real and he was about ready to flee - to get the hell out of this house and just leave without any real intention of coming back.

They were his teammates, his friends, he knew they would never hurt him - but every time, yesterday when they would tell him to do something, when he had to trust them to get him through that course without injuring himself - everytime he wanted to scream. Every time there was a pulling sensation in his back and a small laugh in the back of his mind, a laugh that sent shivers down his spine and unpleasant thoughts spiralling through his head.

The hours dragged on as the thoughts continued to grow and press in his mind. Perhaps his first thought about how much sleep was a little off, maybe it would be better assessed that he got nothing at all. That’s what he felt like when he dragged himself out of his room - his mind not exactly quite out of the spiral yet - towards the main gaming room. He wasn’t surprised to find that no one else was there yet. It was after all a ridiculous time in the morning in which normal people weren’t up let alone pro gamers. He probably should have stayed in his room until he thought that someone was up, then again he didn’t think he could stand being in that dark room by himself any more.

At least in this room, even though he was alone he could pretend that he wasn’t. Here if he closed his eyes and tried hard enough he could envision his team around him instead of memories that caused him to panic. Jensen just reminded himself to breath, sitting down in his computer chair and wrapping his arms around his knees as he pulled them up. He hoped that no one would comment that he was once again wearing Zach’s hoodie, needing it more this morning than he did yesterday.

Yesterday he just wanted it because he liked it, it made him smile - today he needed it because it made him feel safe. Snuggled in the hoodie and content in sitting in the room Jensen just let that time pass around him, watching the sun rise through the shaded windows, bathing the gaming room in a golden light that did even more to calm him.

Slowly his team made their way into the room - each double taking at the sight of him before they too took their seat, comfortably watching the sun with him.

When they asked him that morning if he was okay - noticing the way he barely looked at them all and hadn’t had a wink of sleep he lied, he smiled and said it was okay - he was just a little tired. He just joked and said that the course yesterday had tired him out - he could tell by the way they all looked him that they knew he was lying, but like always they never pressed it - he rather appreciated that about them.

“Please don’t tell me we have to go through that course again today - I don’t think I could take it.”

Repeared actually chuckled, which they all hoped meant a no was coming. “Not like yesterday no, but I do have another unique team experience I want to try out.”

“Does this one actually involve playing league?”

“Yes - now who wants to volunteer?”

It was Zach that put his hand up. “Have at it - hit me with it.” He paused before narrowing his eyes, “wait you're not going to like, make me play with a blindfold on are you.”

“No - not quite.” 

Not quite ended up being Zach playing with a locked camera and a piece of dark cardboard over the mini map on his screen. All in all he was basically playing the game blind - having no awareness of where anyone on either team were unless his teammates told him. 

‘This is so disconcerting.” Zach muttered as he made his way through the river, heading towards mid where a team fight was breaking out. “If I die on my way I blame you guys.”

“They’re all here Zach you’re -- oh Tp behind you.”

Zach wasn’t too proud to admit that he let out a small shriek as suddenly the enemies top laner was right beside him - in a mere two seconds he was dead. The wall chat lit up with questions about what was going on.

_Help, my teammates are holding me hostage!_

_Are you guys trying out more new team building techniques?_

_I have no mini map T_T HALP_

_Sneaks just need to learn to LISTEN_

_Shut it Smooths_

_Exclusive insight into how C9 gets to worlds each year - take notes fellas._

And so the games continued, with Reapered making sure that they each played one game without the mini map, attempting to build up not just the trust in each other shot callers but to give those that don’t normally do the shot calling a chance to help those that normally did. The most amusing and rather chaotic game had to be the one when Juan had no idea what was going and was trusting his team even when clearing his own jungle. It was in that specific game that the sound of a phone echoed around the room.

“Yensen, really?’

“Sorry, sorry wait just let me -”

Jensen shuffled in his seat, trying to get to his phone with one hand, he answered and landed a four man shock wave at the same time, causing the whole team to roll their eyes as the ‘Ace’ flashed across the screen.

“Hello?”

‘Wait - what I thought you were scriming?”

“Ah, you're the one that called me?”

“I was …. Going to leave a message.”

Jensen justed snorted, balancing the phone between his shoulders and ear as he helped the team take baron. “Really - checking up on me?”

“Just wondering if you, you know - did what you said you would thought about.”

“I did.”

“Oh.”

_“It was fucking terrifying so thanks for that.”_

There was a small pause on the other end - and from beside Jensen Zach leaned over and called into the phone. “Hi Bjerg - can you not distract Jensen too much please, we’re trying to take baron with a jungler that can see the map.”

“Ah - what?”

“Ignore him - we’re just trying some new techniques.”

_“So, you told him and he didn’t run away screaming - progress.”_

_“I told him some of it - and no, but that doesn’t mean….”_

“Jensen…”

“Mmm?”

“I Just… _don’t push me away again, after this - keep in contact please._ ”

The silence was almost too much, Jensen’s heart kind of cracked, his breath caught in his throat and a pulling, a deep sense of pain pulsed at his shoulder blades. “I won’t - I promise.” So taken back by the comment Jensen didn't even notice the shutdown that came across his screen,the grey colours washing over him like it was nothing. “You- _you really need to stop worrying about me, you know?_ ” Sighing Jensen returned his attention back to the game, only just noticing the grey screen. “Oh… thanks for ruining the KDA man.”

Soren just chuckled, “Hasn’t that been what I always do?”

“Oho, nice meme my friend - okay now my team is glaring at me - I blame you.”

They finished the phone call quickly, Jensen couldn’t help but grin as he returned back to the game which was close to ending. He couldn’t help but notice the odd way the Zach was looking at him.

“What are you looking at?”

“Nothing, I just - am glad you’re talking to people again.”

“Zach’s got a point there.” Andy chimed in from the other side of the room. “In fact, it’s nice that you’ve started talking to us again…”

Jensen just tried to ignore the numerous murmurs of agreement from the rest of the team and gnawing in his stomach of the sinking feeling of why he had done that and perhaps that it was something that might just come back.

All depending on how much they pushed him to be honest.

**x-x-x**

Jensen was somewhat reminded of this morning, sitting in the gaming room watching the colours of the sun as he made his way into the LCS studio. The same golden sheen crossed the wooden floors, as the sun made it’s way below the horizon, the bursts of light causing the mid laner to smile. The studio was quite a nice place, he has always enjoyed spending time here, but with orange and gold rays hitting the wood it gave off a different kind of beauty, almost a calming surreal feeling.

It was nice, he needed that feeling now, especially seeming Zach was nowhere to be seen - after telling him to met him here. Jensen began wandering through the halls of the studio, double checking his phone and the conversation that he had with Zach.

There it was plain as day - the text asking him to met him here because Zach had to do some last minute shots and interviews for the gauntlet. Which Jensen had thought was weird at first because no one else had been asked, then again it was Zach, and everyone loved getting as much as they could from him.

_Hey :) I’m here, have you finished everything yet?_

Jensen could easily make his way through the winding corridors of the studio without looking. The studio was quickly becoming a second home, or a third - depending on how you looked at it. Son enough he found himself in one of the waiting rooms, looking up to almost run straight into a huddled TSM.

“Jensen - what are you doing here?”

He narrowed his eyes, wondering why the team looked, in one word spooked, “I thought I was meeting Zach here but I… is everything okay with you guys?”

_Dude…. I don’t know what the hell is going on but I did not send that…_

Oh this could not be good “Ah, that fact that you guys look kind terrified wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with the fact that I was lured here under false pretenses?” In answer to the confused looks he got from this Jensen threw his phone towards the eam - watching as they cringed at looking at the conversation. “So…”

“So,” It was Kevin that answered, giving Jensen his phone as they all moved closer as one. “There might be a madman running around the studio with a gun…you know, normal… lcs… things…”

Jensen paled slightly at this. “And, you guys are here because…”

“We were filming something before heading to bootcamp, you know - we just happen to be here, by random chance, unlike some people.”

Yup, this was looking more and more like someone wanted him here, alone - with a crazy man. The right course of action right now was of course to leave,m to get as far away from this place as possible and to take the team now staring at him in shock with him But Jensen never really was one for taking right courses of actions. He silently followed through the corridors, trying to keep up with the fast pace of TSM, they kept looking back at him in apprehension. Not seeming to like the way that he kept falling out of step.

“Jensen what are you…”

He had fully stopped in his tracks, almost frozen as he stared at the ground, biting his lip.

“Is - is there anyone else here?”

“Probably, I mean there's always people here.” Vincent answered with a small shrug. “But the alarms went off, just before you got here I think - so hopefully everyone is making there way out - like we should be doing…”

“NO - like you should be doing.” And with that being said, Jensen turned on his heel and ran the other way, in the opposite way to the closest exit, which was only a few doors away. He ignored the yells of his names, the instance that he got back here.

The walls were back up, his mind was set, no one else was going to be hurt because of him. He was going in alone, again, and he he tried to forget and push back the thought he was running straight into something eh could not come back from. 

He was barely around the first corner when the sound of a gunshot ringed in his ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't hurt me please! XD I have the next chapter hand written and will be typing it out over the next few days so it will be up soon :D


	5. Feathers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliff hanger my wonderful readers! I hope this chapter makes up for it! This has to be my favorite one so far, this is when the story line really starts to create and show itself!
> 
> Once again any Danish is written in italics.
> 
> Chapter Warnings: blood, swearing, mentions of death

**And you're tryin' to save me, From your past of bad decisions  
** But my decision's always gonna be  
To follow you  
\- - -

The smell of blood was all to potent, it soaked through the cotton and leather of his shirt and jacket. Pressing hard down on the wound hurt like nothing else but it was better than the alternative of bleeding to death. The gunshot had missed, causing the large wound on his ribs and for Jensen to find himself stumbling through corridors trying his best to not fall behind and get shot again. He had had somehow managed to hid from the man, but now he was in quite a different predicament.

The blood stuck to his fingers, staining his skin aswell, it was beginning to congeal - the liquid feeling more like a solid than anything. Ashe pressed the wound tighter and tighter his mind began to work like fireworks,thoughts, ideas and worse case scenarios all coming to him at once.

Maybe, just maybe he would be able to convince anyone he came across that he was okay - that it was just a graze. It was a long shot and he was probably deluding himself, but maybe if he was convincing enough they would believe him. He needed to get off the floor however, being collapsed and exhausted against a blood stained wall did little to no help ot the whole “i’m fine” arguement.

He gritted his teeth and pulled himself to his feet, bracing himself on eh wall with one hand, the other still pressed to his side. The movement caused the blood to drip slightly, creating yet another stain, on the floor under his feet. He needed to get out of here, he neede to make sure the others had all gotten out safely, and hen needed to somehow convince them all this had nothing to do with him - absolutely nothing.

Part of him was glad that it wasn’t his team that could well see him like this, the other part of him hated that he had to lie to more people.

“Jensen - what the hell man!”

Jensen spun around, probably a bit too quickly, the room spun with him - causing him to places hopefully steady hand on the wall beside him - leaving a very distinctive bloody hand print. “Hey, I’m - I’m glad you're all okay I was just about to come looking to make sure you were already…”

As the whole of TSM,and really did it have to be the whole team, made their way to him Jensen couldn't help but notice the way that their eyes turned to the blood stains.

“It’s fine, I mean I’m fine - I mean it’s just a small graze.”

“Is that what you call it, looks more like a bullet hole to me.”

“Well, yeah, yeah a graze with a bullet.” Jensen cringed as they all moved closer, talking at once, questions, confusion and a mix of swear words coming at him all together. “Guys, guys come on lets, it’s just a little blood, we just have to get out of here and it will be fine.”

“A little - you call that a little!”

“A little, a lot - it doesn’t matter, what does is leaving and -” Jensen’s words were cut off by a loud crash, the door to the room that they had found themselves in was kicked up, so hard it almost fell off it's hinges. “ _Wow, you know - for a hired assassin he’s doing a pretty bad job at the silent part of his job_.”

“What!”

In answer to the shrilled shocked word Jensen just rolled his eyes before attempting to grab all five members at once, pushing them to the floor and behind a large wooden desk. Just in time too, a large echo rocked the room a gunshot crashed into the ground mere seconds after they moved - the shell embedding itself in the floor. The sound of the gun being reloaded chilled them to core.

“What the hell is this - when we ran into him before he just glared at us and ran in the opposite direction.”

“Well, he’s not after us - is he.”

There is was, Soren was full on glaring at Jensen, there was no ws he was talking himself out of this one.

“You… don’t really have any proof of that.”

“You are the one that’s covered in blood.”

“I…” Another bullet crashed into the ground - mere inches from their feet - a second bullet them crashing into the panel they were hiding behind. A third bullet went wild, crashing into the wall behind them and causing them all to cringe and jump.

Jensen tried to ignore the sudden pressure on his wound and the way that pain was slowly ebbing away from it and into his entire body. “I - there was a damn reason that I didn’t want any of you involved.”

Soren was still glaring at him. “You said three months.”

“I lied.” the way that Jensen was staring at him caused any comment or response apart form shock from Soren, but it didn’t stop the others from wondering what was going on - and voicing it.

“Alright, what the fuck is happening right now?”

“ _Isn’t it obvious, someone is trying to kill me_.”

“I don’t speak Danish!”

“What?”

Another few bullets hit the wood behind them, splintering it slightly and causing them to all shuffle back - conscious of the fact that it could split at any moment.

“Okay, we just all need to calm down, figure this all out and--- what the hell are you doing!?” The shrieked and utter horrified question came from Peter as he watched jensen pull himself to his feet and move ever so slightly out of thier cover.

“I’m sorry, I never, never wanted anyone else to get involved - I didn’t stop speaking to you all for fun you know.” He stumbled slightly on his feet although otherwise seemed unfazed by the bullet wound. “I didn’t want people to find out like this… well I really didn’t want people to find out at all.”

“I’m sorry, but what - what the hell are you on about?”

“Sometimes myths aren’t myths.” Jensen went to move out from behind the cover, right into the line of fire but paused suddenly, biting his lip as his voice wavered. “Hey can you - can you tell Zach I’m sorry…”

They didn’t even have a chance to stop him from stepping out. The gunshot was the loudest thing any of them had ever heard - louder than the yells and screams from them. The bullet went straight through, embedding itself into the wall behind him. It left and caused no blood, only a trail of black ink in it's wake.

Jensen stayed on his feet, seemingly unfazed, he stepped forward and even as a few more shots crashed into him he continued to walk forward. There was still no blood, even the stains on his fingers and ribs from the previous wound were gone, replaced by a black, dripping ink, staining his back as well where the bullets had gone through.

Jensen soon found himself standing face to face with the man who was trying to kill him. He was now staring at Jensen, slack jawed, completely shaken- the gun hanging useless in his hand.

"What - what are you?”

“You don't deserve to know.” Jensen’s eyes darkened, flashing a dangerous black. “And you can go back to whoever the fuck hired you and tell them you can’t kill someone who’s already dead - got it?” he whispered the words mere inches from the man’s face, wanting no one else in the room to hear him.

We watched with his own mind screaming at him to follow as the man ran away, completely terrified and well thankful that Jensen was doing nothing but talk to him. Jensen breathed deeply, trying to regain a little of his composure back - but it wasn’t working, little by little the pain was returning - and everything else was slipping away from him.

The pain was spiraling all around his body. Although fully cementing in his shoulders. He had to leave, he had to disappear before it happened - he had to get out of sight at least. They did not need to see this, and he did not need to see them run away from him in fear.

“Fuck.” Jensen found himself on the ground, sitting on his knees, hands pressed tight against the floor beside him. “Fuck, fuck no not, not like this - please…” The pain was something he hadn’t felt in a long time, but something he wasn’t going to forget anytime soon. He did not like what he knew was coming next, but there was no way to stop it. “No, no… no…”

“Jensen, hey man, Jensen are you…”

“No… no you, you have to leave, no no… get back just…”

“Nicolaj?”

They all ran up to him as he screamed in pain, they were stopped in their tracks as a burst of wind exploded around the room - crashing into them. Ink, blood and black feathers scattered the ground, and stained their arms and hands, having put them up in an attempt to shield themselves in an automatic reflex.

“Oh my… what the fuck?”

“You… you’re all seeing what I’m seeing - right?”

Dennis blinked, muttering a few choice swear words in Danish as he nodded . “Ahaha, this… Soren this isn’t what I think…”

“Shadow feathers.” Soren answered, his voice clearly pained as he walked forward, hesitantly moving towards the still prone Jensen on the floor. The rest of the steam stood back as Soren moved to kneel beside Jensen, slowly, hesitantly putting a hand on shaking shoulder. His fingers barely grazed the midnight black feather of the wings.

The pain in his shoulders, and even in his whole body immediately disappeared at the hesitant touch. Slowly, ever so slowly he could concentrate on what was going on - and what was, was something he rather wasn’t expecting. Mainly the fact the they were all still here

“This - is rather unexpected.”

“Isn’t that our line?”

“Maybe, but you're all still here - you haven’t ran away screaming - that’s a bonus.”

“That wasn’t going to be an option.” Soren was still kneeling down beside Jensen, a hand still on his shoulder. “I- I told you back then,I just wanted to make sure you were okay, this is not okay…”

Jensen cringed, rolling his shoulder slightly, the sudden movement causing Soren to remove his hand. The slow throbbing pain immediately returned. “Surely your mind is telling you to run away and leave me here though…”

"It is…” It was Kevin that answered, the top laner slowly clicking things in place from the last few days. When Soren had ran off after that clip he knew something was up - this, this was not on his list of possibilities at the time. “But, but that doesn't mean we have to listen to it - it doesn’t mean that we want to believe in what it is trying to say to us.”

Jensen just shock his head, a small smile forming on his face. Shaking slightly he stumbled to his feet. “As much as I appreciate it, it would be a lot safer for you if did listen to it. Sorry-” The last comment was directed to Soren, who, having not moved when Jensen got to his feet and received a face full of feathers.

The fellow midlaner just shook his head, trying his best to keep his eyes on Jensen himself not the set of wings that were twitching on his back. He was failing miserably at it.

“It’s okay - you can stare, it’s not everyday you see-”

“See what exactly?”

Jensen just smirked softly at Vincent, who looked like he was trying to calculate and make sense of something that you just couldn’t. “Well, you need to read up on your Danish mythology.”

Vincent snorted folding his arms across his chest. “Right, I’ll get straight on that.”

“I, can I just - please tell me you knew this was going to happen and didn’t - just hope for the best…”

"It was a bit of both actually,” And really, Jensen had no idea who he was just standing here talking so calmly about all this. “It doesn’t always happen, not recently anyway, not since I…”

“Borke your wing?”

They had all been thinking it. The right wing, the one Soren had gotten a faceful of was perfect, the feathers plump and bright - they were full and strong. The left one, however, looked like someone had jumped on it and started pulling feathers out by the handful, it was bent, sparse and looked to be bleeding.

“Yeah, let's go with that.”

There was something more to it but they all knew that they weren’t going to get anything else from him There was an awkward silence as Jensen stepped away from them, making sure to keep his distance, he rolled his shoulders continuously, causing the wings to ripple and his back - where the bullet holes should have been, was mending, The ink moving and twisting around the wounds and sealing them.

The tattoo on his back was gone, replaced by the physical wings themselves. The silence dragged on, no one knowing the proper way to break it.

“You can leave now, you know - it’s probably for the best people will be coming to look for you soon I suppose…”

“Leave and what - pretend none of this even happened?”

“It would be for the best.”

“And why is that - and don’t you dare say…”

“Brush up on your mythology.”

Kevin let out a frustated noise, clutching his fistss at the sides. “Look, we’re, we’re friends - and friends don’t just leave each other when shit starts going down.”

“And friends don’t let their friends get caught up in stuff that could get them killed.”

“Jensen…”

Jensen finally turned to look at them, once again his eyes were darkened, almost to a black. “How many times do I need to say iit? There was a reason why no one should be involved - a reason why I shut everyone out!” The wings flicked out to full span, at this, twitching dangerously as a short burst of wing flew towards them. “I am going to do this alone, I need to do this alone and…”

“Completely? What do you expect us to do? Just go about our normal lives, Not even mention it to - I don’t know, your team?”

“In two days you’ll all be in Korea and have no more important things to worry about.”

“Don’t you trust us?”

Jensen visibly flinched at this - his whole body seemed to quiver at the very thought as he drew in a deep breath. It was immediately obvious to Soren that he had said the wrong thing. “I… ah.”

“ _I’ve always trusted you, believe me when I say that is one thing you can have faith in._ ” The comment was said through gritted teeth, Jensen’ whole body shaking - centering on his back and shoulders where the wings connected. The pain had returned, almost like it was connected to what had been said.

“Ugh fuck, why the hell does this have to happen every time…”

“Jensen ah-”

“It’s fine, it’s good, normal - hurt’s like hell but normal…” he froze, going completely pale as a voice was heard echoing in the corridors leading to the room - distant but getting closer. “Promise me…”

“What?”

The voice, clearly louder and closer was now distinguishable. “Please, please just promise me that you won’t tell him I-” Jensen flinched, and in mere seconds before their very eyes the wings retracted, folding in on themselves and melting like they were made of wax. 

The sunk back into shoulders, mixing and swirling with hiss kin to once again become nothing but ink stained and scarred into him The feathers now nothing but the patterns on his back Jensen swayed on the spot, his words quiet and muttered as he closed his eyes.

Zach walked into the room just in time to see Jensen collapse to the ground..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all liked it :D I hope you all picked up on the little background points as well as the main story line coming at you full force haha. Please leave any comments you have :D
> 
> I am currently working on something on the side of this too, it's more on the light/fun side, here is a small summary:  
>  _"The say that Cat’s instinctively know their way home, following pawprints that they have already made. Apparently this was increased when said Cat wasn’t actually a Cat - instead a very confused pro lcs player who had no idea what was going on."_


	6. Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for continuing to read and comment ^^ Please remember this story is set end of last split/gauntlet/words so roster changes have not happened yet ( D: roster changes!)

**And you left me speechless, The secrets you've been keeping  
You're running now, but someone's chasing you**

\- - -

Zach arrived at the LCS studio in a state of complete panic, the team hot on his heels.

“Calm down Zach - I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about..”

“Nothing! Someone hacked my phone and wanted Jensen to come here, I will be calm when I realize it’s some kind of stupid prank or-” Zach’s voice trailed off, drowned out by the sudden blaring alarm coming from the building - an evacuation procedure that in all his years Zach had only heard once before. “Oh yes - that’s really calming!”

With a new resurgence of urgency Zach sprinted forward throwing the doors open and making his way into the building, completely ignored the staff running out past him and trying to ignore the way that darkness engulfed him as he walked further in. The power was out, emergency lighting flickering above him.

“Zach, what in the world are you doing here?” Dash looked frazzled, the usually cool and collected demeanor cracking slightly. “You do realize you’re walking right into the danger right?”

“Why are you evacuating - what is going on?”

Dash flinched, looking like that was the last thing he wanted to answer. “I - you need to get out of here…” He blinked as the rest of the team came barrelling through the doors. “All of you.”

“No - I need to know what’s going on, and where Jensen is…”

“Jensen, I haven’t… if he’s here he’s probably already out, there were sightings of a gun and-wait!”

Too late, Zach had already run away, diving his way into the darkness. His worst fears had been realized, that message was certainly no prank. He completely ignored the yells from both Dash and his teammate as he ran through the hallways, his heart sporadically beating - thoughts spiraling through his head.

Scenarios, each worse than the last played through his head. He knew, just knew something had been going on, he had been having the horrible feeling that Jensen was hiding something from him, something to do with his past - with the ink on his back and the way he had avoided the subject ever since.

“Jensen - Jensen I know you’re in here - please….” Zach stopped mid sentence, running straight into someone who had was running full speed in the opposite direction. “Oh sorry, I know everyone is trying to get out of here quickly and I…” He stopped, dead cold at noticing the gun in the man’s hand. “You - you’re the one that tried…”

“Get away from me - if you’re with them then get the hell away from me!”

Huh - wasn’t, wasn’t that supposed to be Zach’s response to all of this? He watched in confusion as the man pushed past him, running away from Zach as if he was the one holding the gun - back through the darkness and flickering lights. It was so disorienting that for a moment Zach just stood in the dark corridor utterly confused.

The words that the man had said just fueled his scenarios and worst thoughts - something was certainly happening - Jensen certainly was hiding something from him.

“Jensen! Jensen I know you’re in here somewhere?”

Zach didn’t know what else to do but yell out Jensen’s name as he walked through the corridors, hoping somehow he would find him that way - or perhaps even hear something or someone that would help. Like that - the feint sound of voices arguing - the Danish distinctively echoing.

“Jensen?”

The door to the room where the sound was coming from was slightly ajar, and it had gone completely silent, the airiness increased as Zach moved closer, running the last few paces as he pushed open the door. Something in his heart shattered and snapped at the first sight he saw.

“Zach! We… this is not as bad as it looks!” Dennis looked rather awkward, half kneeling and standing as had surged forward to catch Jensen before he had hit the ground. The unconscious midlaner was now in his arms, the only movement he was making was from the short sharp breaths. “Really you don’t, don’t need to…”

“This is your definition of not bad!” Zach ran into the room, making a beeline straight towards Jensen and Dennis, who had positioned himself a little better so that he was holding Jensen in more a bridal carry way. “What.. what in the - what the hell happened?”

“Well that depends on what you mean…”

“There was a man with a gun!”

"Yeah…”

“And he hacked my phone to get Jensen here-”

“You don’t know that oh.” Vincent stopped mid sentence as Zach death glared at him. “Well, yes I suppose you could say that.”

“Then tell me what happened-”

“You know I think, we would all rather have this conversation maybe outside, with lights and no howling alarm sounds and-”

Zach’s voice shock as he took Jensen’s hand, calming slightly as Jensen squeezed it back. “I don’t… I don’t have the patience for any stupid-”

“We can’t tell you Zach.”

Hi glare now turned to Soren. “And why not, did you not see it or something?”

“No, we, well I guess I- I promised I wouldn’t and-”

"Hey, man maybe we should tell me, he’s probably going to find out-”

“He should find out from Jensen himself, not from us - that won't be right.”

“Soren, we- we know you promised him and all but we-”

“I will not be responsible for him losing faith in someone again! Not… not when it leads too…”

_“You think the broken wing has something to do with that?”_

_“You saw… saw the way he reacted when I asked if he trusted us… I just… I can’t risk it…”_

Dennis nodded, understanding, trying to ignore the way that Zach seemed to be getting more and more frustrated, his glare moving from him to Soren as they conversed right in front of him. “Okay, yeah - Soren’s right, you need to hear it from him."

“Oh and what he’s just going to magically tell me after hiding it all this time!”

“Zach it’s not that simple…”

“Okay, tell me how the fact that the person I love is lying to me is complicated!”

There was a stunned and terrifying silence as Zach breathed deeply in and out, trying to comprehend what he just said out loud. _Oh God, Fuck, Fuck, no I…_

“You just have to trust…”

“In, in what exactly?”

“That he loves you too.”

**x-x-x**

Everything hurt, his muscles stiff and unresponsive, his whole body felt bruised and his shoulders felt pulled and twisted. He wanted to just not move, to ignore everything, and to never open his eyes again. But there was the comforting hand in his, fingers being traced up and down his palm. It calmed him and caused the pain to slightly null.

“Come on, I know you’re awake - I can tell.”

Jensen didn’t know when Zach learned the difference between his sleeping and normal breathing patterns but it apparently was a thing now. And it meant he couldn't just do the whole ‘I’m sleeping so I can't hear you' thing. Trying to regain some composure back into his freaking out mind Jensen opened his eyes slowly - the first thing he saw was Zach kneeling down beside him - fingers slowly tracing patterns on his palm.

"Hey.”

“Hey ah - are we back home…”

Zach grinned at this, “Yeah, home, Dennis… ah caught you when you passed out and carried you out, then we drove back home.” Zach indicated around him, motioning that they were in the main lounge of the house. “You’ve been asleep for about four hours now.”

Jensen hummed softly. “Wow, really must have needed that - I didn’t think it was that bad…”

“Really it… looked pretty bad to me.” The way that Zach was staring at him caused Jensen to almost shrink back into the couch. He had a feeling this conversation was not something he wanted to talk about. “So, are you going to tell me what the the fuck is going on - or am I going to have to brush up on some Danish mythology?”

“They, they didn’t tell you?”

“As much as I insisted, no - Bjerg said something about not… not losing faith?” Zach watched as Jensen somewhat relaxed at this - a small smile forming on his face at hearing this. “So, that means, you need to tell me… please?”

“Zach I…”

“No- No, I just… I can’t deal with not knowing, I can’t...it hurts that you’re so okay with lying to me...”

“I’m not okay with it..”

“Then tell me something - anything.”

Jensen froze, everything seemed to move in slow motion for awhile before he took a deep breath and turned his full attention to Zach, kneeling down beside him. He looked so torn, so hurt and like he was reaching some kind of end of ropes. He couldn’t tell him everything - that was impossible, telling him would probably end in him losing him. No, he wasn’t going to tell him everything - but having Zach staring at him like this - he had to say something, because maybe if he didn’t - he would lose him either way.

“I… it’s not just a nice belief that some families have… it more like a cult.” Jensen found it a bit easier to say everything with his head down - easier when he didn’t have to look at Zach in the eyes. “I… they are scars, I know I told you that they felt like scars, they actually are though - it was cut and then… they burnt it in.. That’s, that's why I freaked out when you were touching them, I had .. flashes of it. And I hated myself afterwards for comparing something like that - to you and I….”

Zach took a deep breath, reaching out and taking Jensen’s hand in his and giving them both a tight squeeze. “You don’t need to feel angry with yourself about that, I can’t understand how that must have felt… now I can understand a little why you were so reluctant to even show me in the first place.” Zach closed his eyes, and gave Jensen’s hands another squeeze before adding. “But that.. That doesn't really explain the man with the gun- that was apparently after you.”

“I… I was so stupid, I thought that it wouldn’t happen - I promise I never thought…” Jensen shook his head. “You - you know how I said it was all about becoming an angel after you die… that part is still true it’s just that the people that believe it… try to speed up the process themselves…”

Zach blinked, trying to comprehend what he had just heard. “You mean, to tell me - your parents tried to get you killed?”

“Multiple times, yes.”

The silence that fell on the two of them was thick, something uncommon for them. Zach sitting in shock for a few moments before moving closer to the couch. Tugging slightly on Jensen’s hands to pull him closer to him, even so much that Jensen ended up on the floor, pressed between the couch and Zach himself.

“I never thought it would follow me here - if I did, If I… I wouldn't have let myself get so close…”

“I’m glad you let yourself get close, to the team - to me.”

Jensen just laughed softly pitching forward, breathing deeply as Zach wrapped him in his hug. He refused to let the tears fall as he gripped Zach as tight as he possibly could. He just wished, so much, with all his being - that this could be it - that he could stay like this forever. He wanted to just forget that he will have to leave, eventually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading <3


	7. Crumble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait on this! I'm starting to get super busy at work so time is limited, plus this was a chapter that needed to be pretty accurate and have the right kind of balance. I hope I got it right as well! We met the "villain" this chapter, finally haha XD
> 
> A big thank you to riesonable and Glaeweth for continuing to comment and give me feedback <3
> 
>  
> 
> **Chapter Contains mentions/implied physical, sexual and emotional abuse**

**And you feel too much  
And you don't know how long you're gonna last**

Jensen had felt bad for saying that he needed some space, that he was just too overloaded with emotions that he needed to not be in the room with anyone. The flash of hurt that crossed Zach’s face almost made Jensen go back on his word, but then he had nodded at him in understanding, a smile on his face as he said that he needed some time to process it as well.

Zach had made Jensen promise that he would join the team for a meal however - that in all the craziness and new pain that was going on, the small formalities might help. Jensen didn’t know if it would help, he had a suspicion that it wouldn’t - but he had promised anyway, just to see a smile on Zach’s face.

But that meant he still had four hours to just be - and to calm the emotions in his head. He had four hours to be by himself and to try to stop the screaming in his head. He didn’t even bother to turn on the light, or to change out of the clothes he had been resting in. Instead he just flopped down onto the bed - completely drained and exhausted, not in a physical sense - but an emotional one.

“Finally - and here I was thinking I would have to find an excuse to get you away from them.”

Any happiness that Jensen had in that moment crumbled, he was not as alone as he first thought. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, he knew he was about to crumble, to get tested - and he wasn’t ready for it.

“And before you ask what I am doing here - do I need a reason to check on my team and on my own personal angel…”

“I am not yours.” 

The words came out almost immediately but it sounded forced as well, he could almost feel his body shudder and twist as he said the words. Like every single fiber in his body thought he was lying - thought that he had said something, declared something that wasn’t true.

The laugh was cruel and uncaring , and Jensen moved quickly as he felt the weight increase in the bed. Moving away from the hand that reached out and scraped his back - grasping at the thin air where his shoulder had been moments ago. He couldn’t even bring himself to look him the eye, as the laugh echoed around the room once again.

“Current situation tells otherwise as does the scars I know you carry, courtesy of me.”

“What - what do you want?” He knew the answer to that, he always did - but saying something was better than the heavy silence that could well have pressed on him, broken only by the sound of heavy breathing.

“Do I need a reason to come and visit you.”

Jensen finally turned to look at him - a hard glare on his face. “You always have an agenda.”

“Well.” He reached out once again, this time Jensen didn’t move out of the way in time and flinched at the touch. Nails digging into his shoulder. “I just wanted to tell you, warn you maybe, that I won't be giving up…”

“On what-”

“Oh, who do you think sent that lovely man after you today.”

Jensen wrenched himself out of the grip, trying not to cringe as he felt the nails scratch him slightly. “Why, you, of all people - knew it wouldn’t work.”

“It wasn’t for you - it was them.”

Jensen glared once again, not sure if he liked where this was going.

“After all, if I want to own you completely, I need to know who owns the other half of you and I was hoping, all but one them would have run… but it seems your so called friends are a little more loyal and understanding than I thought.” he sighed dramatically, inwardly smiling at the sight of horror that crossed Jensen’s face. “I was just trying to figure out who I had to get out of the way…”

“If you go near any of them I swear I’ll…”

“What, let me do it - show me some _mercy_ after I ask for it.”

Jensen froze, his whole body tensing up at the word was stressed. “You… you have no idea what true mercy is.”

“True.” At this point he pulled Jensen forward, causing him to almost fall on his face on the bed - trembling slightly at the sudden jolt. “But i know how to destroy it, to twist it - just like I did with you.” He grinned, mere inches from Jensen’s face, he leaned further in - whispering in his ear. “And I will do it to your faith as well, I promise - even if I have to remove all of them-”

Jensen didn’t even have a chance to protest this - all anger turned into disgust and all words silenced as the lips were forced on his and the taste of his own blood filled his mouth. He pulled away as quickly as he could comprehend what was happening, cringing as he felt the teeth tear into bottom lip.

“Ha, don’t worry - I need you in good shape tomorrow, my star player has to get us through gauntlets after all.”

“I. Am. Not. Yours.”

“Keep telling yourself that.” In one quick motion he got off the bed, and walked towards the door, not even looking back at Jensen or saying anything as he left the room, the faint sound of him greeting the rest of the team floated into the room to Jensen before the door was closed.

He just sat frozen, the words washing over him, the pain not even registering as the blood dripped slowly down from his split lip. He had to calm down, he had to try to push this all to the back of his mind - to walk out there and force a smile on his face for the sake of his team. To somehow not feel sick and trapped tomorrow on stage.

All those things he had to do - he had done it plenty of times before, how was this time any different?

“You can do this.” Jensen whispered to himself, wrapping his arms around himself as he closed his eyes, breathing deeply in and out. “You can do this, you’re… strong enough to do this….”

_“Fuck, who am I kidding I can’t - maybe I should just give up - maybe I should just let it all happen…”_

Jensen slid off the bed and began to pace around his room, his arms still wrapped around himself, a coldness that had nothing to do with the temperature clung to him. The threat kept echoing in his head, the idea that after all of this, after having kept everything in the shadows had now crumbled into nothing.

And it wasn’t his life on the line, it was theirs - and it absolutely infuriated him. 

“Jensen?” He didn’t realize there had been a knock on his door or that it had been hesitantly opened until Andy was standing just a few paces behind him - the confusion obvious in his voice. “I just wanted to see if you wanted anything ordered and… Jensen?”

Nope - nope he couldn't do this, he couldn't stay calm.

Screw not crying.

As soon as Andy placed a hand on his shoulder Jensen spun around and crumbled. Collapsing into his supports arms and letting Andy wrap himself completely around him as he shattered, all pretense of being fine crumbled and broke as Jensen let everything out, sobbing uncontrollably.

“I’m sorry, I am so sorry - I never thought - I never wanted…” He mumbled the words into Andy’s chest, clutching his shirt as if it was some kind of lifeline. “I don't want to lose any of you, I just can’t…”

“You’re not going to - I promise whatever is going on, you wont lose anyone.”

It broke his heart - because he knew it was sincere, he knew that Andy meant every word of it. But he also knew that it was a promise that he knew too little information to actually keep. And besides, it would probably be Jensen himself to break it. But right now he would just stand here -and draw as much strength as he could from knowing he had someone to hold onto.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't hurt me please! XD  
> Thanks everyone once again for reading - please let me know what you thoughts :D <3


	8. Mythical

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long my friends, it was the middle part that gave me the trouble. I didn't want to just INFO dump on you but then I wanted to give you something, hopefully I got the balance right.
> 
> Also a note on our bad guy! :O I originally had him as one of the actual C9 staff, but he's such a horrid person I had to make some one up, I couldn't bring myself to put that kind of characterization on anyone <_<
> 
> Enough rambling - on with the chapter!

**I'm not going to lose you, because the passion and the pain  
are going to keep you alive someday**

Jensen had managed to calm down a little bit, the tears had stopped and now the midlaner was sitting on the ground, his back against his bed, his head resting on andy’s shoulders as the support took his place beside him. Jensen breathed deeply out shifting slightly closer to Andy and smiling slightly as Andy placed an arm around his shoulder.

“Thank you. I guess I needed that…” He scrunched up his nose looking rather annoyed at himself. “I can’t believe I let you see that though, I should be used to this by now…”

“Used to what exactly, people trying to kill you?’ Andy rose an eyebrow at Jensen who cringed slightly, it was in this moment, being this close that Andy suddenly noticed the cut on Jensen’s lip, the small amount of blood. “Wait, that - you didn’t have that before- what happened with you and Jace?”

Jensen’s eyes widened. “Nothing - nothing I… I did this to myself.” That was, kind of true, to be honest, if he hadn’t pulled away then he wouldn't have the cut. Andy didn’t need to know that part of it however, he didn’t need to know anything about that. “He was just, worried about me I guess - we talked and I just-”

Andy continued to narrow his eyes, something was off - he knew it right away. They had all thought it had been weird that Jace had been in Jensen’s room, like he had been waiting in thier for him to wake up and go in there - like he had wanted to talk to Jensen alone or something. Which was normal for a part of their coaching staff in any other kind of scenario, after what happened however, it did seem a bit off.

Jensen knew he had to come up with some kind of weird lie for Andy to stop questioning him, “He just wanted to reassure me about gauntlets and that I shouldn’t feel any pressure to play if I didn’t feel up to it.”

The support wasn’t buying it - but he didn’t want to pressure and push Jensen too much. He was even amazed he hadn’t been kicked out as soon as Jensen had broken down. No one, no one had ever seen him like that before. Andy had a feeling even Zach wouldn’t have had seen him so vulnerable.

“I appreciate the concern really but I - it all kind of just came at once, I…” Jensen shook his head, no, no he was done talking about this - if he mentioned losing them or leaving them he would just end up in a pile of mess on the floor. Not again, he couldn’t let himself crack again. “Anyway, you should go out - everyone will be wondering where you and the food your supposedly ordering is.”

He had almost forgotten about that. “Right - I came in to ask if you wanted anything.”

“I’m good really.” Jensen shied away slightly at the, what the team had dubbed “mother look” that suddenly appeared on Andy’s face. “Well, okay maybe something small - just get me a side or something.”

“Done.” Andy got to his feet and then held out a hand for Jensen to take. He did with a sigh, knowing he was not going to win this battle with his support. “You don’t need to talk to anyone or let us know everything - just go out their with everyone, let them see that you are, okay… as you can be.”

Jensen left the room holding onto Andy’s hand making his way into the main lounge room where the rest of the team had gathered. Jensen immediately swapped Andy’s hand for Zach as he made a beeline straight for the brunette, sitting as close as possible to Zach on the couch and taking his hand.

Zach just smiled, squeezing their intertwined hands and giving Jensen a quick kiss on the check.

“Thank you, for keeping your promise.”

“You should know by now, I can’t say no to you.”

Zach chuckled, kissing Jensen again, this time on the tip of his nose, before shifting slightly and leaning back into Jensen, sighing happily as the midlaner wrapped his other arm around him, holding him in place as he basically sat on his lap. Zach continued to keep hold of Jensen’s hand, knowing, somehow that the contact and the consistency was something that Jensen needed right now.

Jensen just closed his eyes, and took a deep breath, letting himself take everything in as a calming washed over him. The fear and little voiced in the back of his head were pushed to the side and the pain in his body subdued.

This was what he was fighting for, moments like this - peace like this that he knew were fleeting, that he knew were only just temporary. Jensen planned on cherishing these for all they were worth, no matter how much it will hurt in the end.

**\- - -**

Before this week Soren probably could count on one hand the weird and “once in a lifetime things” that happened to him that could not be explained. The list on his bed when he collapsed in their could almost be added to it, not that it couldn’t be explained, more that it was weird, and a bit unusual.

“Ah - I’m pretty sure that this is your handwriting Vince, but I’m a bit confused.”

Vincent didn’t even look up from the typing that he was doing on his computer everyone else crowded around, staring at the screen. “Yes it is and I don’t know what is so confusing about - please translate these because google translate is stupid”

“I mean it’s just some of these are bit… interesting… what exactly are you doing?”

“Brushing up on my Danish Mythology. You know, even not counting this, you guys believe some weird shit.”

He really couldn’t argue with that. “Yeah well, I don’t know if you want these actual translations, they’re a bit… depressing to be honest. And besides, I’m not too sure how serious Jensen was when he told us to do this, he’s pretty adamant on none of us knowing anything.”

Vincent sighed in frustration. “But that's the whole point isn't it? You and Sven know a lot, you had those conversations and you grew up with knowing all about this - maybe it’s a kind of normal part of culture-”

“Burning and scaring your children and then trying to kill them is NOT a normal part of Danish culture Vince.” Dennis was the one that answered, his voice laced with a fear. “It was a story parents told us to scare us, it was terrifying - it was something that no one liked to talk about and yet it happened… sometimes right under people’s noses.” He shook his head, leaning back on his chair and checking the time on the clock. “Vince, is this really what you want to be looking at the night before we leave?”

“Do you really think I care about how little sleep I get - how can we think of worlds when this is happening?”

Soren ran a hand down his face and gave a tired sigh. “Because he wants us to, it's as simple as that.”

“We just can’t forget what we saw Soren,” Peter piped up, swinging on his chair and looking pretty despondent at the turn of events. “It’s not everyday you find out one of your friends is a… angel, is that what it said Vince?”

“Guardian angel linked to the three pillars of emotions - or something like that.” Vincent stopped glaring at Soren and Dennis for one moment to look at that part on the computer. “I don’t want to butcher your beautiful language but I’m pretty sure one of them is love…”

“Faith, love and mercy - it’s the words he he has…” Soren shook his head, not wanting to say it. “Pretty intense words to be honest.”

“Okay, then what does it mean - the whole pillars thing?”

“How am I supposed to know? I’m sorry but I don’t know everything about a terrifying cult that gave me nightmares as a child…” Soren sighed deeply, running this hands through his hair. “I don’t know, maybe it has something to do with the wings, how one is broken - I don’t, I don’t feel like those that believe in this actually have the proper facts, you know?”

Vincent nodded, sighing softly. “I guess, it would just be nice to know something.”

“We do know something.” Kevin spoke for the first time, looking tired, he ran a hand down his face and walked over to the rest of hsi etam. “We know that he expected us to just not care, we know that the fact we did stay was some kind of - strength for him, we know he plans on going through whatever the heck this is alone - and we can’t let him do that. And we know more than even his boyfriend does, so I think that qualifies as knowing something.”

“Do you think he even told Zach anything.”

“Something, maybe - that he’s an undead guardian angel that can’t die - probably not.”

“He can actually.” Dennis muttered, “One of the things you wanted to double check the translation of, they can die - when their pillars crumble, whatever that means.” His eyes glanced over at Soren who scrunched his nose up in the thought of that happening. “Like with what you were saying - losing faith in someone.”

Soren vividly remembered the way that Jensen had sounded, and even looked when he had asked him if he trusted him. He had no doubt that Jensen meant every single word, he can’t think of a situation when he had seen him any more sincere. Not counting the fact the time the team managed to wrangle out of him how he felt about Zach, but that was a whole different type of sincerity.

“That’s why we have to be careful right?” Peter looked up at his midlaner and jungler. “Because if we lose that we could do more harm than good?’

“It reads that way, yeah.”

“Well then, I guess we just have to not push to hard - and remind him?”

“Of what?”

Vincent shook his head, no matter how hard he tried he could not get the image out of hi head, the fear, the almost certainty that Jensen had that they were all going to ru, that he would somehow scare them all away. In wanted to remember the smile he gave them all when they said they were his friends, he wanted to remember how beautiful the black feathers of the wings were…

“That no one is going anywhere.”

**\- - -**

He had barely said a word all night, which he felt rather bad about but he couldn’t bring himself to even come up with something. He knew that there was no pressure, the mood was safe and light s they all talked and ate together and yet still he felt like he had let them down or something.

What felt worse was the look that Zach gave him when he had told him he wanted to be alone tonight, that he would rather spend the evening in his own bed, in his own room -by himself. Zach had said he understood, but it was behind the gaze of someone that felt like he was being pushed away.

And if Jensen was honest with himself, maybe that was what he was doing - subconsciously.

The good night wishes from Zach, and the whole team echoed through his head as he closed his door behind him, trying not to cringe at the sound of it. Trying to shake the feeling off Jensen yawned and stretched, wondering to himself if he was going to get any sleep this night - highly unlikely, but he could at least try.

His phone buzzed slightly right before he was about to head to bed. He should’ve known it was Soren before he even looked it up.

_Good luck with Gauntlet prep tomorrow, we’re off nice and early. Please don’t hesitate to contact any of us, we’re here - when you need us. No one, no one is running away._

Jensen actually slept that nice, a small smile on his face as he dreamed what could have been if maybe, just maybe, they were the first ones to find out. His life would have been so different if someone else had walked in on him that day - someone who actually cared about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank for the reading.  
> Happy Holiday season peps! <3


	9. Dreamer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again - thank you for those of you that continue to read and give feedback, I appreciate it ^^ This chapter is more a "thought" and inner monologue kind of thing - but there are some good little story nuggets in there so look out for them :D

**The truth is hiding in your eyes, And it's hanging on your tongue  
Just boiling in my blood**

He could hardly contain the whimper of pain as he walked home, the fabric of his shirt brushing against the still tender wounds on his collarbone. A quick glance down confirmed his suspicion. Blood seeped through the fabric, a blurred and smudged image of the words that were permanently etched on his skin. Cringing he pulled his jacket closer, tying it up across his chest even though the sun was blaring down on him.

The thought of walking into the house with a blood stained shirt was not on his to do list. He just needed to get inside, sneak his way into his room, collapse and just ride out the pain before going about the day tomorrow like nothing happened. Just like all the other times, just like how he had at home - surely nothing changed now that he was in America.

Nothing needed to change now that he had people that cared about him - right?

Jensen fumbled his keys in the lock, his hands shaking as he swayed slightly on the spot. He had to pause and take a breath before opening the door - the world started to spin around him.

“Hey man, how was the catch up with the fam?” Jensen couldn’t even see who had greeted him, his vision was swimming, his ears were ringing with a pitched sound. “Jensen, Jensen are you feeling alright?”

He was pretty sure he answered, he know he nodded at least, even if no audible sound came from him. Pushing past the pain and the person in front of him, Jensen made a beeline to his room, closing the door behind him, locking it and sliding down to the floor in exhaustion.

Nope, nope, push past it, ignore it, ignore the pain - ignore the feeling of oblivion. It wasn’t even his collarbone, that hurt - the sharp pain of the knife and the fire had long disappeared. Now the pain was in his shoulder across his back, moving over the orginal scars that had been made years ago.

The knock on the door sounded like the loudest thing in the world and it vibrated round his head.

“I-I’m fine…” His voice shook, as he tried to lie to the person knocking on his door - obviously worried.

“Fine - oh so the blood coming out from under the bottom of your door is normal!”

The yelled words came at him through a fog of pain as he tried to pull himself out of the floor, there was extra weight to his shoulders and he should have known that this is what the pain meant. He bit his own hand in attempt to stop the scream from coming out of his mouth, falling forward onto the ground as the muffled sound was still loud enough to be heard outside the door.

The door handle was rattled and Jensen moved away from it, shuffling away from the door and dragging the large wings with him, he had never changed enough to get used to the weight of the extra muscle and bone. They scraped across the floor, leaving the blood trail, printed of the moving feathers,in his wake.

The door moved again, this time the whole wood buckling slightly as if someone had put their whole bodies weight into it. The yell of his name was now somewhat distinctive and Jensen’s mind screamed at him to run, to not let any of his team see him like this. He had just managed to pull himself up to the bed when the door was forced open.

Jensen didn’t even turn around, too terrified to even think about who it was and what their reaction would be. His whole body shock, the wings moving up and down as he breathed deeply. He couldn't believe that this was happening - he couldn't believe that he couldn’t cope with such a small amount of pain that his body thought it needed to protect himself like this. But now it was all gone, now whoever had walked through that door.

“Nicolaj? I’m here…” The soft voice of Andy was supposed to be reassuring to him but all it caused was more tension to exploded through his body - Jensen knew something was wrong, something wasn’t right.

“No, this is wrong…” Jensen shook his head, trying to get the image out of his head - he had to be dreaming, he had to be imagining this. This was not how it went - this was not who had walked through that door. “I wish it was you - but it wasn’t…”

“Jensen - everything is going to be okay - please…”

“No… no it would have been, it would have been okay if it was you…” Jensen shook his head, and moved to stare at Andy, or who sounded like Andy, now in the supports place stood instead a shadow like figure that had no face and no distinguishable features. “And if only you were just a shadow…”

A wave of pain crashed through him and Jensen found himself cringing in pain, closing his eyes and pressing his palm to his head as the scene in front of him changed. Everything was cold, everything was darker, and the cold feeling of the glass mixed with the water streaming down his back.

“Nåde… please, please have,,,,” Jensen watched as the blood from his shoulders and back swirl with the water and down the drain, staining the white porcelain below. “Please, please have some mercy…”

The grip on his shoulder caused him to flinch, it was tighter than he was expecting. “Mercy, I don’t know the meaning of the word….” Fingers ran through the wing, pulling feathers out as he went, the black mixing with the washed out red of the blood in the water. “But I’m looking forward to this… no one told me the job would quite entail this…”

Jensen should have known at that point that it would all be downhill from there - but he still closed his eyes and hoped, prayed even that this was not going to define everything.

Even now, as he woke in a cold sweat, a silent scream on his lips and his breath caught in his throat he hoped beyond all hope that perhaps there was something that could turn everything that had happened since he was found out that afternoon. The lack of feathers on his left wing told him that there was no hope, but everything else - and everyone else that he was around told him otherwise. 

He was cold, as if the chilled water from the memory as still there, with a shiver Jensen wrapped his blankets around him as tight as possible and pulled himself into a sitting position, knowing he would not be able to sleep again after waking from that. Jensen could almost feel the ghost of the wings on the wall and even had to look back to double check that they were not there.

Part of his mind told him it was a bad thing that they weren’t there and he wasn’t too sure how he felt about that. With a deep sigh Jensen shifted out of bed, dragging the blanket with him and looked at his back in the mirror, running his fingers across his ribs and the feathered pattern that etched across them. When they had first been marked he had wondered why it was only one wing, the fully fledged one on the right was beautiful taken out of its context, but the left was a mess of feathers, falling and twisting as if it wasn't supposed to be a wing at all instead feathers in the wind from the right one.

Jensen understood it more now than ever - he left wing was never supposed to last that long - and it never was supposed to be beautiful. The scars and burns had predicted precisely how quickly his left wing will fall and tear and become a right mess. Growing up he never really thought about faith, or thought that he had a large amount of it - it was funny now, that it was really the only thing keeping him together. Well, technically it was the reception of his faith but it was still the same thing. As long as that pillar stood up he would be okay, as long as he had taught to hold onto he got get through this.

Leaving was going to happen, Jensen had no delusions about that - it was just a matter of time. But now that he knew, and had actually had to mentally convinced himself that it was true and nothing could change that, that one of his pillars was going to stay up it made leaving a little bit easier.

It was still going to hurt like hell there was no denying that. But being away from his pillars was better than putting them in danger. Besides, if he wasn’t around them it will be less obvious for Jace to figure out who they were, to be honest Jensen thought it was pretty obvious but maybe that was just him, maybe he could feel and see it so much because he knew.

Jensen hated nights like this, his inner thoughts were something he never quite liked about himself. Every time he glanced over at the bed his mind screamed at him that he needed sleep, but his thoughts trailed back to the dream he had and he refused. Jensen tried to pull himself away from the sleep thoughts and tried to focus on other things. Like how cold he was - a deep seated cold in his core - he could do something about that.

Dragging the blanket with him Jensen made his way out of his room and into the kitchen. Coffee was normally a no go at this time of morning but it wasn’t like he was going to be falling asleep anytime soon.

**x-x-x**

He hated being sick, not only did it mean he could barely concentrate and communicate but he found that he was irritable for no reason which wasn’t really fair to those people around him. Hence he hated being sick even more during season, especially now as gauntlets came up the team already had enough to deal with. And then came the not sleeping - and that just amplified everything else that made him hate it.

Juan made his way slowly to the kitchen and stopped short at the sight of the kitchen light already on. The silhouette of Jensen slumped over the counter-top, his hands wrapped around a coffee was not something he expected to see. The large blanket that Jensen had brought out was slipping off his shoulders slightly - revealing the dark tattoos that mapped his back.

_No, remember what Zach said not tattoo, scars…_

It was sickening to him that someone would even think that would be okay to do. Juan knew that bringing it up would not be the right thing, so taking a deep breath he made his way into the kitchen, giving the doorway a quick tap to make sure Jensen knew he was coming in.

“Hey man, if you can’t sleep I don’t think a cup of coffee is going to help in that respect.”

Jensen smiled slightly. “Not sleeping is kinda the point actually-” he pulled the blanket up over himself, subconsciously hiding the scars across his back. “And you - what brings you here at this hour.”

In answer the jungler just pulled out some cough syrup from the cupboard and measured out the amount he needed. “I thought if I didn’t want to be a grumpy ass like I was today I should to nip this cold in the butt.” He downed the syrup in one go and pulled a face. “Plus I can’t sleep…” Juan paused as he returned the syrup to its place. “Did you… want some company?”

Jensen seemed to think about this for a bit before nodding. “Yeah that would be - what are you doing?”

Juan looked confused as he sat down on the opposite end of the counter. “I’m sick dude, the last thing you need right now is my germs.”

He just rolled his eyes, got off his seat and made his way over Juan, sitting right beside him, and wrapping the blanket around both fo hm. Jensen grinned as he slid sideways slightly, placing his head on a surprised Juan’s shoulder.

“I’ll take the risk, for this company.”

Juan let out a small chuckle, wrapping an arm around the midlaner and letting him snuggle into him.

Four hours later Jack walked into the kitchen to the sight of his jungler and midlaner asleep on top of the kitchen counter, Juan’s arm placed over Jensen - Jensen pressed tightly into Juan’s chest. The blanket that had been covering both of them slipped down onto the floor.

With a wide smile, and a quiet laugh Jack picked up the blanket and placed it over both of them, Tucking in the corners so that it didn’t slip off again. He registered the very strong “Dad’ urges to pat down their hair, especially seeming the small amount of sweat on Juan’s forehead and the way that Jensen was shivering. 

He made a mental note to keep an eye on them both as he left them to sleep.

He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but Jack had a feeling that something was happening in the team - some kind of shift that he couldn’t quite see yet. And good or bad he would make sure he stood by them.

Because that’s what families do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading friends :)


	10. One Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone. It has been quite a while hasn't it. I'm really sorry this has taken so long but I've had a pretty bad couple of weeks, I've been dealing with a death of a family member so, as you can imagine, writing has not been a priority. Things are slowly getting better and I am glad I got this out - it's a happy chapter, which I needed <3

**Do you see what we've done?  
We've gone and made such fools, Of ourselves**  
\- - -

“Looks like we’ll be going against CLG for the world spot, think we got this?”

“Of course we do, Gauntlet kings, baby.”

Jensen just rolled his eyes at Zach and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend from the back, resting his chin on his shoulder. “Hi.”

‘Hello, what’s all this about.”

“I just… I’m sorry I wasn’t around much this week - I’ve hardly seen you outside of practice.”

Zach couldn’t help but grin at this, linking his hands with Jensen’s as he did so. “Well, it’s been a pretty… rough week for you, it’s fine.”

“Well, just because it’s been a bad week doesn’t give me the right to shut you out and ignore you, I’m sorry.”

Zach just snuggled back into Jensen’s hug. “It’s okay, I know… I know you will tell me when you’re ready. Right now we can just focus on getting to worlds, who knows, maybe getting back into the game will help?”

Jensen was pretty sure there was no chance in that but he wasn’t about to crush Zach’s hopes to the fact that it could be a possibility. Besides at least a whole day of games meant a whole day with his team, no matter what happened that was something that wasn’t going to change. Even if he left he would be returning for games, it was just a thing - it was just how it would work. That was, until the season ended.

“I’ll try - I promise.”

“That’s good to hear… you know, what Saturday is right, I mean besides the whole crazy amounts of games through the gauntlet, right?” Zach’s eyes widened slightly, turning and twisting out of the hug and smiling softly at Jensen. “Something that I may have made silly plans for.”

“Zach…” Jensen had certainly not forgotten exactly what this Saturday meant for them, he just kind of- had put it off to the side, because it hurt way too much. “Of course I know what it is… I just didn’t think with everything that's happening that you would…”

“I think I want to because of it.. . I almost lost you Nicolaj, you can be damn well sure I will be make a deal out of every single anniversary… especially one year ones, of I don’t know - when we first admitted we liked each other…”

“It seems like so much longer than a year…”

“That’s probably because of how ridiculously stupid we were for a few years…”

“Yeah.” Jensen looked down, suddenly looking very sad, his voice shook slightly as he added. “We… wasted a lot of time. In respect to that-”

Zach took a deep breath, not missing the way that Jensen’s voice had changed. He took his hand and gave it a small squeeze, “That’s why we have to make the most it - to make up for all the time we were stupid.” He smiled softly and added. “Soooo, I made sure we both had the evening free?”

“Oh?”

“And I’m taking you out to dinner.” Zach grinned, a small chuckle coming out of him as Jensen blushed. “So, make sure you dress up nice and we’ll go later on tonight -say about seven?”

“Go - you’re not planning on telling me anything else are you?”

“No.” Zach pulled him forward, placing a quick, rough kiss on his lips before pulling back and winking at him. “It’s a surprise.” Jensen pouted at him slightly as he walked away, his hand slowly pulling away, fingers trailing down his arm as he let go. “You better be ready by then Yensen.”

Zach’s sing-song voice echoed around Jensen’s head as he watched the AD walk away, swinging his hips as if knowing Jensen still had his eyes on him. One whole year, one year since Zach had stormed into the lounge after they had won their gauntlet, announced that he needed to tell him something and then had proceeded to grab Jensen by his shirt and kiss him - right in front of the whole team.

Jensen could easily picture it in his head, and every time he did it made him blush and grin.

One year, he had been in love with Zach ever since he laid eyes on him if he was honest but he had finally gotten enough courage to admit it one year ago.One year was not enough, the time seemed so short and fleeting. He didn’t know if one year of memories were enough to keep him going through his but he would try.

For Zach he will try.

The day seemed to crawl at a snail pace, hours slowly creeping by .Jensen found himself ready with hours to spare, sitting nervously in the lounge, tapping his fingers across the table in a non distinct tune. He was full of nervous energy and even though his brain was telling him he should just go back to doing something else he didn’t want to. He was ready - so he was staying right here.

“Yensen, My have you scrubbed up nicely.” Jensen almost jumped at the sound of his teammates voice. “So….” Impact drew out the word and grinned over at the nervous looking midlaner on the couch. “You looking forward to your hot date tonight?”

“Is it that obvious what I’m waiting for?”

“Kind of, plus we all know, Sneaks wanted to make sure the team was okay with you both running out on an evening of scrims.” Impact grinned, “It just means you’ll both have ot put in extra work tomorrow.”

Jensen laughed, a real smile crossing his face. “I suppose we will, yes…. What you think Pact, do you think we have this?” He didn’t know what it was, but Jensen, in his mind - wasn’t quite thinking about the gauntlet, he was thinking about… them, the team, everything.

Impact seemed to catch on, perhaps something in the way that he had said it. He got to his feet and walked over to the over side of the lounge, collapsing onto the couch beside Jensen and leaning slightly into him. “Yeah, I think we got this - no question about it. And don’t think anything about tonight - you just have this time, you guys need it.”

His only answer to this was a small smile as he leaned further into his top laner, humming softly as he did so. Jensen was okay with this, this was nice - this took his mind of everything before Zach came and picked him up. Besides, he couldn’t quite think off the top of his head the last time he just kind of sat like this, in silence, with Impact, they used to do it all the time - back before….

“Stop it.”

“What?”

“Stop thinking.”

Huh, he was going to miss that - the way that Impact just always knew what he was thinking, he was going to miss that a lot. But Jensen would do as told, he stopped thinking and he just sat, he just let himself be.

And the remaining few hours just seemed to fly by in seconds.

‘Wow, that looks so comfy that I almost feel bad for taking you away.” Zach was suddenly standing in front of them, arms folded across his chest, an amused smile on his face. “You ready to get going Sir?”

“You have no idea how long I have been ready.” Jensen said with enthusiasm, getting up off the couch and giving Impact an thankful grin and a fist bump before moving over to stand by Zach, taking his hand immediately. “So, where we going?”

“I told you - that’s a secret.”

Jensen just rolled his eyes back at Impact before happily letting Zach pull him out of the house. “But we are going there now, so it doesn’t matter - I’m going to find out really soon.”

“I don’t care - it will ruin the whole surprise.”

Jensen just pouted at this, sliding into the car next to Zach. “You know I’m going to figure this out eventually.”

Zach grinned at him evilly. “No your not.” And he was right , twenty minutes later when they got out of the car Jensen narrowed his eyes at Zach, looked around in confused and hummed.

“Okay so… none of our normal places are around here… and no actual restaurants to speak of.”

"Yeah,” Zach was trying to hold back his smug smirk. “But what do you see?”

Jensen just full on glared at Zach. “I don’t know - what am I supposed to be seeing…” He huffed, although it was quickly replaced with a grin as Zach stood right beside him, so close they were touching, took his hand and pointed to one of the large buildings in front of him. “That’s a hotel Sneaks…”

“Ahaa, the best in the city, with one of those cool, exclusive restaurants.”

“Exclusive to those that are staying there.”

“Yup, exactly…..”

It took a few seconds for Jensen to understand what that meant. “You… you got a hotel room?”

“Yes, because we deserve it, you deserve it… I thought maybe sleeping somewhere else… and maybe pretending a bit will help you sleep.” Zach blushed slightly at this, tightening his arms around Jensen. “I just, wanted a night … with just you and me… and with no distractions and no, barriers and just….” He turned even more red and shied away slightly. “I’m sorry if I over steeped.”

“No it’s beautiful, you’re beautiful - I love it, I love the idea of it - I love that you thought of it.” Jensen turned quickly, placing a surprised kiss on Sneaky’s cheek. “Shall we?”

The blush on Zach’s face seemed permanent. “We shall.” He tried to ignore the fact that Jensen had, maybe, perhaps in a strange round about way told him he loved him. Maybe…. He tried to get the thought out of his head as they made their way into the hotel, Zach leading the way into the restaurant.

“Wow, this is…”

“Pretty nice huh?” Zach watched with a grin as Jensen scanned the restaurant with a look of shock and wonderment. Zach moved to talk to the host and had to hit Jensen to get his attention as they were shown to their table. “Come on, you can enjoy the view from the table.”

The table was away from most of the others, hidden away in a corner, a small booth that was set up perfectly. A bottle of wine already sitting in a crystal bucket in the middle of the table, Jensen’s eyes immediately went to it as they sat down.

“Is that?”

“Your favourite wine, yes.”

“My favourite, expensive wine that you don't even like drinking?” Jensen commented with a head tilt, raising an eyebrow at Sneaky as he did so. “I’m so…. I mean you didn’t have to-”

“Hey, it’s not like I don’t like it - it’s acquired, I like it when I’m drinking it with you.” Zach grinned at the blush that crossed Jensen’s face at this. He had always loved how Jensen would react to these kind of things, it was why he had planned all of this, seeing him know and realize all over again how much he cared for him was something that couldn’t be put into words.

"Well then.” Zach poured out two glasses, handing one to Jensen across the table. “Cheers - to one year.”

“Cheers.” Jensen felt slightly dizzy as he toasted with Zach. He loved this idiot, so damn much - so much that it hurt. Probably too much when he thought about it. “Thank you, for this Zach.”

“You deserve it.”

Jensen didn’t think he did, but slowly, super slowly, with Zach’s help - he was beginning to change his mind.

Dinner seemed to go too quickly for Jensen’s liking, it had been too long since he had such a time with Zach, just the two of them - talking and enjoying each others company. Ever since the big secret had come out he had felt weird, even uncomfortable around Zach, he had hated feeling like that but tonight that had all changed. Tonight had been more like before, feeling like nothing could ever get in their way.

“So, this is why you wouldn’t let me have desert at the restaurant.” Jensen shook his head and sighed softly at the sight that greeted him when Zach opened the door to the room. It was beautiful, the view been more so, but sitting in the middle of the large open space was a table set up for two, a large assortments of sweet treats covering it.

He never really had much of a sweet tooth but the small bite size pieces of everything in the menu was perfect. Especially to go with the second bottle of wine that was sitting on the table, yet another one of his favourites. Jensen couldn’t keep the smile off his face as he moved into the room, running his hand softly along the table before going to stand near the window, looking out into the the skyline view.

“Right here… I feel like nothing else is happening you know, like I can forget all else… like this right now is my life.” Taking a deep breath Jensen shook the thought out of his head, although a small part of him still held onto the thought. “I like it - no worries, nothing but this, you - me…”

Zach came up behind Jensen and wrapped his arms around him, humming happily as Jensen leaned backwards into the hug. “You know, that was kind of the idea - to get you away from everything - I found this, by the way.”He waved a small, wrapped box in Jensen’s face. “It fell out of your jacket when you took it off.”

"Oh, yup - that’s for you.”

‘Me?”

“Anniversary Sneaks, you kinda get presents for that kind of thing.”

Zach frowned slightly. “I didn't get you anything tho.”

“Are you serious - this? If this is not a gift what do you call it?”

Zach blushed slightly, “This is just… how I wish it could be, all the time.”

Jensen rolled his eyes, twisting slightly to kiss Zach on the cheek. “You are so fucking romantic, I love it.”

“So can I open it?”

“Of course,” Jensen untangled himself from Zach’s grip and went back over to the table, taking one of the small vanilla cupcakes of the table and biting into it with a grin. “I didn’t really know when to give it to you, I guess now is good as time as any…” Jensen was suddenly very nervous and turned his full attention to the cupcake in his hand.

The only sound in the room was Zach opening the package, the wrinkling of the paper sounder louder than it should of been. It was followed by a small silence and a sort of gasp from Zach. “This is… Nicolaj you….”

Jensen looked up to the sight o f Zach standing still in shock, the silver ring hanging off the chain he had in his hand. In glinted in the hotels lights and swung slightly side from side in Zach’s grip. The sight of the ring caused something to hitch in Jensen’s throat, he had forgotten the feeling it gave him when he had brought it months ago - seeing it now brought it all back.

Zach seemed at a loss for words as he made his way over to the couch, sitting down beside Jensen he began to inspect the ring more closely, noting the fine engravings across the silver band. “So… what do I need to put this on my ring finger or-”

He knew that Zach had said it as a joke, to try to have something to say but still, it caused the unsettling feeling to increase. “I wish… I wish I had enough courage to ask you to…”

Zach almost dropped the ring, his whole body freezing at this. Of all the things he expected to hear from Jensen tonight ,that certainly wasn’t it. It upset him if he was honest - not the idea of the ring it self no, but the total lack of confidence that came with it. He would have none of that, absolutely none of it.

“Well, if that’s the case then,.” Zach slid the ring off the silver chain and without hesitation, placed it on his ring finger. The shocked look on Jensen's face both broke his heart and made it swell with happiness. “I am not going anywhere, no matter what the hell happened, or what is in front of us - I will not go anywhere, and you’re not going anywhere either.”

“Zach…” Jensen reached out and took Zach’s hand, his own shaking as he trailed a finger across the ring that was now on Zach's finger. “All of this, you did for me tonight…. And I still can’t even comprehend why in the world you would even…”

“Hey,” Zach hit him softly on the shoulder, grinning as he said, with full confidence, “I love you - and I’m okay with being that pillar for you - and having this as a reminder, until you’re ready to say it yourself…”

Jensen felt his whole body stiffen at this, a sense of strength and pulling towards Zach that he knew had always been there but had never confirmed before. “A pillar huh… pretty sure that’s just what I need right now-”

“Happy to oblige.”

Zach pulled Jensen forward, crashing their lisp together as Jensen fell on top of Zach, the brunette laughing slightly at the sudden weight change. The kiss continued for a long time, Zach not being able to stop himself from running his fingers through Jensen’s hair, their hands still intertwined as he did so.

Pulling out of the kiss Jensen muttered something in Danish, snuggling into the couch and Zach as he pressed himself as close to Zach as much as possible. Zach’s hand stayed in Jensen’s hair, subconsciously running his hands through the strands as Jensen's whole body relaxed with the touch.

He couldn’t keep his eyes off the ring, and the glinting light that it caused to bounce around the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for sticking with me! I hope you all enjoyed this (and yeah, that ring is *exactly* what you are all thinking it is!!!! :D)


	11. Escape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your patience! I am sorry this has taken so long, as well as still trying to deal with funeral arrangements and all the feelings that come with that I have gone back to studying! I have pretty busy weeks and it's hard to find time to write. So I appreciate you all for sticking with me!
> 
> **CHAPTER WARNINGS** \- mentions/scenes of sexual and emotional abuse

**I've been waitin' here so long, But now moment seems to've come  
** I see the dark clouds comin' up again  
\- - - 

Never in his wildest dreams did Jensen ever think that this was possible. Here, right now - this picture perfect moment. He had awoken to a sunbeam warming his face, peeking through the silk curtains of the wall to wall window of the hotel room. His hand was still intertwined with Zach’s the ring glinted in the sun, making light dance and flicker across the room. Zach slept peacefully beside him, half on Jensen and half curled into him in an awkward looking yet comfortable hug. Jensen wished they could stay like this forever, but the reminder that they had a gauntlet to win tonight filtered through his brain and he realized that this picture perfect moment was something he could just have to memorize, and keep with him.

“Hey - wake up sleepy head.” Jensen poked Zach in the ribs, only getting a small groan in annoyance in return. Chuckling, Jensen ran his fingers along Zach’s spine, walking them across the freckles that dotted his back. “As much as I would love to stay like this too, we have places to be.”

“Nooo…” Zach’s whine of annoyance soon turned into laughter as Jensen kissed him across the shoulder blades, the one spot that he knew the carry was ticklish. “Okay, okay I’m up stop.” Zach went to bat Jensen away but blinked in realization that their hands were still together. He grinned at the sight. “Mmm, Good Morning.”

“Morning.” Jensen gave him another quick kiss, this time on the lips before unwrapping himself from Zach’s hold and rolling out of bed. “Come on, come shower with me?”  
“Can’t say no to that face.” Zach grinned and followed Jensen out of the bed, catching up with the midlaner at the shower he wrapped his arms around him and kissed him. “Thank you, for being with me last night - I know it’s been hard.”

Jensen sighed, falling back into the hug. “Thank you, for giving me the space to do so - come on, we probably should get back as soon as we can - we have a gauntlet to run.”

“We got this, right?”

“Yeah, yeah we got this.”

**x-x-x**

“Wait, oh my gosh is that what I think it is?” Andy was the first one to notice the silver band, literally jumping out of his chair and diving across the room to grab Zach’s hand and inspect it. “It’s about damn time, you’ve been carrying this around for months.” This comment was directed at Jensen, who just blushed from the otherside of the room.

Zach rose an eyebrow at this, “Months, really?”

“Maybe.”

"That’s too damn adorable.” Juan just shook his head, the jungler, his leg nervously jumping up and down as they waited to be called through for the first match. “Have you ever played with a ring on that finger though… will it be awkward?”

Zach just shrugged, “Don’t know - we’ll see I guess, it shouldn't make too much difference I think.”

“If you wear it one stage people might start asking questions, and I know you guys are still pretty… secretive in the fact that you’re actually going out - and it’s not a meme.”

“Well,” Zach glanced over at Jensen who nodded slightly. “Maybe it’s okay if they finally see it’s real.”

“So damn adorable.” Juan muttered again, under his breath as they were told that it was time to head to the stage. Nervous energy building in all of them they made their way together, it was time to run the gauntlet that they had been preparing for. “Let’s make all those crazy techniques worth it guys.”

They entered the stage together, to the roar and excitement of the crowd and left the same way, exhausted but happy at the outcome. Ready in spirit but certainly not in energy to head to Korea for bootcamp The interviews at the end were short and sweet, the team heading straight to the airport for thier flights, thier bags already packed and sitting in the waiting room.

Some would call it egotistical to be ready to leave, to have the tickets already booked- they called it being prepared. It’s not like they wouldn't go if they lost - it would still be a good thing to practice. Still, they were expecting to win there was nothing wrong with having a little confidence in yourself when it came to these kind of things.

“Anyone joining me on the sleep on the plane train?”

“You think you'll actually be able to sleep?”

Jensen grinned, nodding softly. “Yeah - like you said last night change of scenery, somewhere different… almost like an escape.” His voice dipped slightly, almost to the point of not being able to be heard. “You know, just the team - no one else, no other things going on… just the team, it will be nice.”

“Well us and the coaching staff.”

Jensen narrowed his eyes at Andy’s comment. “Yeah. but just like Jack and Repeared right -like last year?"

“Nah everyone is coming this year…. Is that okay you don’t look too pleased about that.”

“I-”No, no this is not the escape I needed this is not… Jensen’s face had turned pale, but he tried his best to hold in the panic that was growing inside him.“It’s fine, I just thought they would… want a break themselves or something.”

“And miss out on spending all the extra time with the team.” Jace was suddenly standing beside them, a hand on Jensen’s shoulder. Andy did not miss the sudden press down on the shoulder, the hard grip that caused Jensen to flinch. “Why would I stay home, can’t wait to see you guys in this new environment. We have to go through this as a family… right?”

“Of course.” Jensen muttered through gritted teeth, throwing off the hand on his shoulder. “Will you all be staying in the same hotel too?”

“Of course.” The smirk on his face was something else that Andy did not miss. “Now if you excuse me I have to go check in. Oh and congratulations are in order I saw as well Nicolaj, it’s good that it didn’t affect his play in anyway - now that would have been awkward, wouldn’t it?”

Jensen didn’t even know how to answer this, to respond. He just stood almost frozen on the spot as he watched him walk away towards the waiting area. He barely registered the hand that replaced the cruel one of his shoulder, a calming touch instead to go with the calm voice.

“Jensen, are you…”

“I’m fine…”

“Really, you know saying that is not going to convince everyone forever you know.”

“I know, but maybe it will last long enough for this to all finish and finally be over.”

“And when will that be- when will this all be gone.”

Jensen just shrugged, walking away from the very concerned support, calling softly over his shoulder. “When I am.” This was probably not the answer that Andy was looking for, but it was all he was going to get as Jensen moved towards the gate of their flight.

This was not the escape he was hoping it would be , but still he would not let this time be ruined, He didn’t know what if it had anything to do with the night he had with Zach or the way he had felt when finally playing on stage again with his team but after everything that had happened he had felt a somewhat kind of resurange fo anger, of strength. Yes he was going to leave, but at this point he had to make sure it was on his own terms, he had to make sure that some kind of rules were put down.

If Jensen was honest with himself he probably won't be as strong face to face, alone. But that was something he had the plane ride to think about. The flight seemed longer than it was and the whole team arrived in a tired state, having to drag themselves off the plane and into cars to take them into the hotel. Sleep was the only thing they were all thinking about as they made their way up stairs and around the corridors. No time or energy to explore the new place they found themselves in, to see what there was to see and take in what they wanted to take in. That was for after sleep, that was for evenings after a long day of hard bootcamping.

Jensen hoped someone was just going to point him in the right direction of his room because he hadn't quite been listening when they had all been told this on the plane His brain had only been focused on one thing, the person he had found himself staring at after being pulled without warning into one of the rooms.

“You’ve got some fucking nerve, you know that right.”

He smirked, “Here I was about to say that to you my dear Nicolaj. And don’t say that you aren’t mine because I am, we’ve established what I have over you.” Another smirk that caused Jensen to shiver slightly. “Which is why I should be saying that to you, I own you and then you go and…”

He wiggled his fingers in front of Jensen’s face, who couldn’t help but roll his eyes. He didn’t know what it was with this, with this man, this horrid connection he had on him - he was both terrified of them and completely unfazed at the same time.

“Really, and what are you going to do about it?”

He laughed, a cruel sound that Jensen completely detested.“I told you, I have no qualms about getting things done and continuing to… I mean after worlds of course, gotta get those wins in first.”

“Oh you don't want to do that.”

“I think I do, one less thing in my way-”

“No, I love Zach, he grounds me -the human part of me, without that I am nothing but my wings… without any control.” In an attempt to go for the vain side ad what Jensen hoped to be the final say in the matter he added. “And then you won't have me all to yourself, my wings will be out there for the whole world to see - and touch, you wouldn’t want that, would you?”

He narrowed his eyes and laughed. “Ha, I don’t know if your trying to pull my leg or not and make up some bullshit just to save him…. But I guess i have no choice, I guess I’ll have to go for your other… hmm what did you call it, pillar instead.”

Jensen hadn’t quite realized it till now but Jace had been stepping closer and closer towards him as they spoke. Now the mid laner found himself cornered, back against the wall as he was leaned over. “You.. you just try that and see what happens.”

“An angel without faith, now I have to say I’d love to see that.”

Jensen scoffed at this and tried to push him past him to leave. “Let me through, we’re done here.”

“No,” The grip on Jensen was suddenly digging into his shoulders, his hands trailing down to sit exactly where his shoulder blades were, in the exact spot they both knew the wings would form. “We’re done after you show a little mercy.”

At the word he pressed his fingers into Jensen's back and he whimpered as he to completely ignore the fact that he was pressed against the wall, as the word, the command froze him in place. The feeling was pretty had to ignore, the crashing of lips and teeth and tongue was not.

“Mmmhmm,so tired from the flight, show a guy a little mercy and help him unwind.”

He hated him, there was no other word for it - and right now he hated himself as well.

**x-x-x**

The light was still on in the lounge area, which he thought was weird because he was pretty sure he had already said good night to everyone and turned off the lights. When he saw who it was however it all made sense, and he remembered the weight of the second room key in his pocket. Of course, of course with everything that had happened and was happening it would be him that he found sitting alone in the dark.

“Hey - you know having lights on is kind of important in the whole seeing in the dark thing?” The flinch that the sudden sound of his voice caused did not go unnoticed. “Can’t sleep-”

“Haven’t tried to yet, I just - ah forgot to turn my phone on when I arrived and now that I have, there is this whole conversation with the whole of TSM, inviting us to join them and Immortals on a large tour of the markets yesterday.” He gave Jack a small smile as he walked closer. “We have tomorrow off right, I know I would like to go - but I would feel bad saying the whole team would be there.”

“I’m sure they would all like that - you guys probably want a day of rest before we grind you through solo queue.” He was hoping for a laugh, even just a little bit from the midlaner, all he got was a small smile as Jensen went back to his phone. Something was wrong, he didn’t need to be reminded of his conversation with Andy to realize it. All what he needed was the way that Jensen’s shoulders slumped. “You know…. You know you can talk to me right?”

“Huh - where is this coming from?”

“Just, if anything is going on, within the team, within what I am doing - you can tell me. I don’t want to be responsible for any unsafe feelings or-”

“No, what no this is not your fault.”

“But it’s someone’s, Andy’s told me about what happened and I- I can’t help but see, you don’t look at all comfortable when a certain member of the staff is around.” Jack was suddenly sitting down beside Jensen at the table. “If I need to step in on your behalf, if I can do anything-”

“No, no you… it’s not your battle, or your concern you shouldn't worry-”

“It is my concern, when a member of my team, my family - is upset.” The hand placed on the shoulder caused a muffled sniff to come out, and it was in shock, because Jack hadn't really been looking - that he realized Jensen was trying to hide back tears. There was a problem, something was happening within his very team - and he wouldn’t have it. “Nicolaj?”  
Jensen just shook his head, breathing deeply and sniffing back his tears. “I can’t I just… not tonight I can’t-”

“Okay, okay-” Jack just pulled his arms around both of his shoulders, side hugging the midlaner but still giving him enough room to pull away, or move closer if he wanted to. His head screamed in relief as Jensen didn’t pull away, in fact he tilted slightly sideways, pressing himself into the hug even a little more. “Okay, but I’m here, please remember that.”

“I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm taking some liberties with the timing/where the teams boot-camped, just to get them all in the same vicinity! The other teams will come back into this next chapter. Please leave a comment to let me know what you think,I hope the information in this chapter about exactly what Jensen is and the pillars made sense! :D


	12. Leaving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whew, sorry this took SO long to get up - it's been super busy for me and I've struggled to write this chapter. I still am a little iffy on the ending conversations, it might be a little ooc? This is a kind of turning point of the story however, from here on out things fall a part a bit, ahahaha XD

**Fighting the storm, Into the blue  
** And when I lose myself I'll think of you  
\- - - 

“Nicolaj!”

The hug came out of nowhere, completely surprising the midlaner as he was smothered. “Ah hello, yes it’s good to see you too.”

“Little context.” Dennis pulled out of the hug and ruffled Jensen’s hair. “Last I saw you, you were unconscious.”

“True, the whole someone trying to kill you and such. That was an interesting conversation.”

Jensen folded his arms and huffed slightly glaring at them all as he did so. “What is this, does everyone know?”

“Everyone that saw Dennis bridal carry your unconscious body out of the building yeah.”

Jensen made a face at this, running a hand through his hair as he did so. ‘I am - too tired to even have this conversation right now.”

“You’re too tired - I’m the one that stayed up to some stupid hour of the morning.” Zach commented while nudging Jensen on the shoulder. “Waiting for a certain someone to finally get to bed.”

“Hey I planned on sleeping on the couch - until Jack threw your room keys at me calling out that it was an engagement present.”

“Well that present would have been nicer if it wasn’t at such a horrible time.”

“Oh well next time we see Jack I’ll tell him it wasn’t appreciated.”

“THat is not what I meant!”

“Wait, WAIT! What?”

Jensen and Zach turned at the same time as the yelled shock that came from the TSM and immortals members that were now staring at the both of them in shock.

“What’s with the faces guys?”

“Engagement… Engagement present?’

“Oh,” Zach just shrugged, holding his hand out to give view of the ring. “Yeah, it’s s thing.”

There was a sudden silence as they all just stared in shock for a few moments before there was a sudden break, like something snapping - they all moved at nce, running towards Zach while yelling shouts of joy and congratulations. As everyone crowded around Zach, Soren and Kevin shuffled there way to Jensen, pulling him slightly to the side.

“So, does this mean you told him everything?’

“No.”

“Wait, you.. I thought you said?”

“I know, he kind of found the ring and I just… I didn’t ask per say, he presumed, and then I told him that I would have liked to but couldn’t and hen next thing I knew…”

Soren grinned, “He was putting on the ring and telling you that you were being stupid.”

“He said he was here to stay, even if I didn't think I was worth it.”

Kevin chuckled at this, “Sounds about right, he’s about as stubborn as you are.”

“But, but what if-”

Almost in unison Soren and Kevin placed a hand on Jensen’s shoulder. “Don’t think like that.”

“You got this, both of you and when you need someone else to come to - think of us. We’ll be your pillars.”

“Pillars?” Jensen grinned, a small laugh catching in his throat. “Have you been brushing up on Danish mythology?” The small shrugs from the two of them told Jensen exactly what he needed to know. “Thank you that means…. One day maybe I’ll be able to tell you just how much.”

The two of them just nodded in silence, moving away to make room for everyone else to move forward. The air was filled with a vibe that said that everything was going to be okay, the happy chatter was the soundtrack as they walked through the markets, catching up and taking in the sights. For awhile they forgot what was going on, they were, in that moment - not competing teams in worlds, but friends enjoying spending time together.

But time was short and before they all knew it, the sun was slowly starting going down, the air grew colder and wind picked up. Things they could maybe ignore, if half of them hadn’t started yawning.

“I have an idea, why don’t you call come back to our hotel for dinner - it’s the closest.”

“You sure that will be alright?”

“Eh, as long as you don’t look at our top secret scrim data I’m sure it will be fine.” Andy gave them a cheeky grin as he couldn’t help but add. “I know it was be tough with the temptation on how to get out of groups just sitting there.”

“You had to go there.”

“I always have to go there.”

**x-x-x**

They all managed to somehow squash themselves into the small lounge room of the large hotel suite that Cloud9 was making there home the next week as they bootcamped. The large lounge room had been used for the gaming leaving the smaller room to be where they gathered. Normally it would be okay with just the team, but having all three of them here was a bit of a squash.

“All I can say is that it’s a good thing we’re all such good friends.”

The laughter echoed around the room at this as they continued to enjoy each other's company, The atmosphere stayed pleasant, until the sun started to go down and the talks fo leaving echoed around the small space.

“Speaking of leaving.” The hand was held out to Jensen, who tutted and looked away from it, missing the confused look that crossed across everyone else’s faces. “I changed my mind, we’re leaving.”

“Really, you have to do this now?”

“All part of the plan,” Jace took away the hand and walked over to the door, glaring back across the gathered friends. “Do I have to tell you twice.”

“Wait, what- what is going on?” 

A smirk crossed his face. “Oh, don’t you know, I own him-”

“I, I - you don't own me.” The comment from Jensen was said with little confidence as he closed his eyes and gripped the side of the couch he was sitting on,. He shrugged the hand off his shoulder not. “Could thsi have not waited until after finals.”

“Aww isn’t this cute - you thought you had more time.”

:”What the hell is going on?”

“No need to get angry Andy, Nicolaj and I were just leaving. Unless you all want a repeat of last time I tried to fight through this… I believe someone almost died.”

“Are you, are you kidding me? What the hell gives you the right, what gives you even the thought that this is going to happen, that you are just going to make demands like this and--”

“I already have Zachary, I don’t know if you realize that - I have and I will.” The smirk on his face was cold and uncaring. “Don’t worry it’s not like you won't see each other again, after all, you have a tournament to win, don’t you?”

“I - what do you mean you already do?” Zach was on his feet by now, his voice raising louder with every word. “I won't let you do this and I-”

“Zach, it’s okay.” Jensen’s voice was quiet, shaking - yet strong, almost stern in tone. “I’m going, I have to.”

“Of course you’re not going I - wait what?”

“You’re going…” Peter was staring at him, slack jawed. “With the person that tried to kill you?”

“Better than the alternative.” Jensen was now on his feet, pulling away from the grip that Andy had on him and walking towards Zach and Jace, trying to ignore the sleazy look he was giving him. “This way no one else gets hurt..no one that matters gets hurt.”

Zach’s terrified eyes followed Jensen as he walked right past him, shaking off the hand that he went to place on his shoulder. “You - you matter.” He rushed forward, managing to grab Jensen’s hand and pulled him back slightly. “Please, you can’t just… what about what I said, I promised…. I told you I would be with you, to be your strength to…. Does that mean nothing?”

“It means everything - it’s why I have to do this.”

“Have? You don’t have to do anything, you always get a choice.”

“Ugh this is getting so boring,” Jace moved forward, rolling his eyes as Zach tried to step back. He took tehri intertwined hands and pulled them apart,Zach gasped slightly, stumbling at the sudden pressure and vibrations that came from the contact. “You’re coming with me, and if there are any more objections, things will get messy.”

“I just… I don’t get it - why now, you were perfectly happy just-”

“I’m no longer sharing you.”

And that seemed to be that - with yelled protest all mixing together behind him, Jensen found himself being pulled across the rest of the room and through the door. It wasn’t until the crash of the door slamming echoed around the room that Jensen felt the tears forming in his eyes.

This was it, his hand stayed flat on the door, shaking as he tried to ignore the want, the need to open it and run into the arms of the people waiting on the other side. But no, no he couldn’t do that - he had to protect them, he had to leave them all behind.

“Come on, let’s get out of here.”

Turning his back on the door, on his team, his friends and family was the hardest decision to make.

But he had to make it, so that the others didn’t have to.

Behind it, they were all on there feet - staring in shock at the door, confusion, anger, silence.

“Zach - what, why - why aren’t you going after him?”

He just stared at the door, pain screaming in his head, his hands wrapped tightly together, fingers trailing over the silver band on his ring finger. He didn’t know why he didn’t ran out that door, he didn't know why he was frozen in place. But he was, and it killed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, much love to all of you that are still reading <3


	13. Pillar of Faith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to those that are still reading this, it means so much! We are really getting to the crux of the story now, and this chapter we finally confirm something which I hope has been sneaking through your minds as you're been reading! ;)
> 
> Just a reminder anything in italics is characters speaking Danish ^^

**But I was listening,  
You'll fight your battles far from me, far too easily  
\- - -**

No one had seen or heard from him all week. It was like he had just dropped off the face of the earth, leaving no trace apart from the thoughts and feelings that were left behind. The week bootcamping in korea had been tough, no one really wanted to do it - or to stay, or to even then pack up and leave for worlds.

And now here they stood, an incomplete team staring down the idea of not knowing on weather they were actually going to be able to compete in the play in stage. They would not go on without him, and they had no idea of knowing if he was actually going to show up. And if he even did - what kind of state he would be in.

“What - what are we even doing here? It’s almost like we’re pretending the last week didn’t even happen…”

“Don't you wish it didn’t? I’m sorry but I would rather actually do so than think that we… that I…. I haven’t even done anything,I haven’t….” Zach’s voice hitched and he tried to regain his composure, not slipping into a panic attack like the many he had during the week. “I, I don’t even know if he’s alive…”

“Zach,” Andy wrapped his arms around the hysterical brunette and said with some finality. “He is - you would know if he wasn’t, believe me… we just have to keep some faith. And when he does come back, this time we don’t let him go without a fight - right?”

He nodded, still engulfed in the hug of Andy’s, pressing tightly to his support as possible. “I am not letting him… I promised I would be there, and I don’t care what that means, I’m not letting him go.” Zach’s words echoed around the otherwise quiet room as they all waited, stopped, just wondering if they were even going to go on stage today or not. The silence was like a weight, pressing down on all of their shoulders.

“Well don’t you all look like happy campers.” The whole team as one turned at the sound of the voice, staring in shock at the person in the doorway, With the hood of the C9 jersey up they couldn’t see the face, but the voice had been unmistakable. “You’re not going to win any games with this kind of attitude.”

Zach was off the couch, on his feet and across the room in milliseconds - heading straight to where the figure stood. “After all this time, that’s what you call a greeting.” He threw his arms around him in a hug, not liking the way that he stiffened. “I am so sorry I didn’t chase you, I’m not making that mistake again.”

“I wouldn’t want you to have chase me Zach…. But I mean I didn’t want to leave either.”

Zach pulled out of the hug and held Jensen at arms length, trying to inspect him, which was hard considering he still had his hood up. “I don’t understand why you did then, and take that off would you, I would like to see your… face.”

Upon seeing Jensen’s face Zach’s words trailed off into a small gasp, stepping back slightly and putting his hand over his mouth. Tears began to form in the corners of his eyes. “Why, why would he…”

“Is our dear friend Jace around, I would like to have a word with him.” Juan’s comment mirrored the thoughts of the rest of the team as they all moved forward. Shock, horror, distress and complete and utter anger. “He did this to you….”

“To match the markings on my back - or so he says.”

The scar, burnt into his skin much like the ink pattern on his back, snacked it’s way up the side of his face, staring at the collarbones were the words stood out, spiraling up across his neck and check, finishing with a small feathered pattern just below his right eye.

Stepping forward, almost subconsciously, Zach reached up and placed a finger on the scar, pulling back immediately as Jensen flinched. “Sorry, I ah, it’s still a little sore.” Jensen looked slightly flustered at this, not knowing how much he wanted to say about the injury itself he added. “I’m just not used to it yet, it kind of...stings and pulls.”

“What kind of monster would even…”

“Monster, my dear Andy, I am but a humble admirer or art and it's canvas.” There was a short beat, and as soon as Jace showed his face to the team, - Impacts fist connected with it. “Hmmm, should have seen that coming - I guess I deserved that one.”

“And more, you want to keep your dignity, leave now.”

“Alright, I’m going - just wanted to wish you all luck.” He rubbed his jaw, smirking as he added. “And oh, Nicolaj, dear, you might want to cover that up, don’t want the whole world knowing our little secret, do we?”

“Leave -now!”

The air flickered with tension and anger, as the team all huddled around Jensen, protecting him like they were a shield as they waited for Jace to leave. When he finally left the air stilled slightly, tension leaving the team as if something was lifting off their shoulders.

“He’s right, I should go get this all covered.”

“Jensen… how, how are you so… so damn calm about all of this.”

“Because it could be worse.” He different Zach a small smile leaning over and kissing him softly on the cheek, running a hand through his hair as he did so. “He could have hurt you and I… I’m okay, really if I’m the only one it’s okay.”

Zach sighed, leaning into the touch, not caring as the tears fell. “Not to me it isn’t.”

Jensen just chuckled slightly, giving Zach one final kiss, this time a hard one on the lips, before pulling away. “I’ll see you, all of you on stage. We’ve got some games to win.” With that he left the room, in search of a place to cover the scar. 

The unspoken words were clear to them, the meaning behind the want to win. The longer they were here, the longer he was with them - and they will do their damndest to go as far as possible.

**x-x-x**

He wasn’t too sure why he was at the arena today, it wasn’t like he had any matches, not until next week, After all, TSM didn’t need to go through the play-in stage. Yet here he was, wondering the corridors with no real purpose, except maybe to clear his head.

Except maybe the hope to run into C9 amd see if any progress had happened, see if they were okay. Well, he knew they weren’t okay - that was kind of stupid thing to think. Okay wasn’t the right word, maybe copping was a better one.

So caught up in his own thoughts and musings he didn’t see the person coming towards him in the hallways intot it was too late caused him to run straight into him, almost falling over in the process. “Goodness, I’m so sorry.”

He blinked when the reply of him to not worry about it came back in hurried Danish, almost as if it was on instinct.

“Jensen?” The C9 hoodie did little to hide the frame of the person, the accent and Danish even more so.

“Oh, hey hi - um TSM is not supposed to - oh, oh well, there’s been a lot of this.” Soren had engulfed him in a tight hug, looking like he was in the set mind of never letting him go. “It's good to see you too.”

“Good, it’s fucking great - what the hell is going on, why did you just let him… we could have protected you, I know you don’t want your team to find out but surely… we could have…”

“ _He’s a pillar._ ”

“Excuse me…. _That fucking monster can not be a_ ….” Soren started, blinking for a moment before it clicked, small pieces of the puzzle falling into place. “You’re broken wing…”

Jensen gave him a look for saying this in English, glancing around before realizing they were completely alone. He sighed, “Misplaced and misused mercy, what am I supposed to do, I can’t… I just can’t say no, It's not how it works.” Jensen went to turn away, feeling like he had already said too much. “I need to go anyway, I have to cover this up before the game and I was looking for…”

“Need to cover… wait!” Soren went to reach out to his shoulder, pulling him back, the motion causing the hood to fall off. And once again, Jensen found himself being stared up in absolute horror,. “What the actual fuck!”

“Alright, keep it down will you… he wanted to prove a point.”

“And what point is that? That he is completely cruel and horrid and….” Soren just shook his head before pulling Jensen back the way that he had come from. Spinning them both into an empty bathroom that he had passed moments before. “Have, Zach and your team - seen…. This?”

“Yeah, ah their reaction, well wasn’t too…. Good. Impact may have punched Jace in the face.”

“Good, he deserves more…. _Fucking hell why is this man_ …. He’s…. How the fuck is someone like this your pillar, how in the world does that even begin to make sense?”

Jensen just shrugged, “He was the first.”

“The first what?”

“To see my wings, it kind of works like that - how people react, what kind of… feelings they have.”

Soren just stood there in complete and utter shock. He was completely frazzled, if the look wasn’t enough Jensen could easily tell by how much the TSM midlaner was swearing. “I just… wished, there was something I could do. We all; feel so helpless, like we’re just letting this happen.”

He breathed deeply, reaching out gently to touch the scar on his friends face. “I hate it, I hate that this is happening, I hate I never realized…. But more than anything I hate that you don't hate me for it….”

“Not going to happen.” Unlike with Zach Jensen hadn’t flinched at the touch, he hadn’t even made a move to get away from Soren, or for him to remove his fingers. “It surprises me that you haven't figured it out yet.”

Soren, who had been looking at the floor trying to hold back ever emotion that was running rampant in his head, finally looked up. He almost fell over in shock at what he saw, a silent gasp escaping his lips. The scar on Jensen’s face was disappearing, right before his very eyes, The black marks being lifted off the skin as if was just dirt.

And the white, flickering light was branching out from where his fingertips were touching Jensen’s cheek. As the scar fully disappeared, SOren carefully removed his fingers, almost afraid that in doing so would return the scar.

“What - what in the….”

“A strong pillar of faith beats a crumbled one of mercy any day, so…. Thanks for that.”

“Me?’

“You.” Jensen smiled genuinely before adding softly. “So…. so don’t you dare even think you’re not doing anything….. Don’t you dare.”

He nodded, to shocked to even think, to say anything, mind swimming with thoughts, pieces, past comments that were making so much more sense to him. Soren gripped Jensen tightly as this time, it was him that went in for the hug.

_“Thank you, for everything.”_

It was a large responsibility to bearl, it freaked him out a bit, okay a lot. But if Jensen had that much trust, that much faith in him, then he wouldn’t let him down. Not now, not when he needed him the most.

_“You can count on me, I promise.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I really liked how this chapter turned out, you gotta love good old friendship! :D


	14. Wings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait on this one friends - this one end in a little cliff hanger, so sorry in advance ahaha.
> 
>  **Chapter Warnings:** violence and blood

**They'll fly to you, Crossing over the time and distance holding you, suspended on silver wings**

**\- - -**

“Wow, you really are proficient at covering things up, aren’t you?” Juan narrowed his eyes at Jensen’s face, the lack of the scar disconcerting. “If I hadn’t seen it myself I would think it wasn’t even there, creepy.” 

“Well, you know - practice.” Jensen shuffled nervously on his feet. He wasn’t too sure if he was ready to have the whole ‘Soren is a pillar and kind of has these weird healing magic powers, I don’t know how it really works’ conversation with his team just yet. Yaah. something that weird would have to wait.

“Who are we up against again?”

“The team from Oceania, they ar very… chatty and excitable.” Impact made a face. “Apparently I have a new rival?”

“Sounds boring, I wish we didn’t have to go through these play-ins.” There was a deep sigh that followed this. “Still, at least we have more time as a team this way.”

“Question, did you guys ah, practice at all, this week?” The chorus of ‘No’ was all Jensen needed to answer that question. “Well, ah I guess that is understandable, I’m sure we’ll be fine.”

“More than fine - knock them dead out there!”

The call came from the side of the hallway they were about to walk down to enter the stage. Surprised they turned as one see the one that had called out was Vincent and the resounding chorus of “here here!” had come from the entirety of the TSM and Immortals squads.

“What in the-”

“Came to cheer you on, and you know - get some tips.”

“ Yeah, those all important tips to get out of groups.”

Andy laughed at this. “ Oh, I see how it is then.”

“You got this guys, we believe in you!”

It was nice to hear that before heading onto that stage, because there was that underlying message as well. The further they went, the more time they had with each other - the more time they got to be a family.

The games, as expected, went well and the team found themselves easily making their way through day one, poised to take the top of the table and take the win of the play off stage.

‘This system is stupid.” Andy commented that night as they rested back at the hotel. “I mean, it’s nothing against the teams, they’re all pretty good - but it means, with us here, another team doesn’t get a shot, you know.”

“Yeah I get it - some of these smaller regions have really good players it’s shame they get to go further.” Juan shook his head. “Does that, sound a little conceited?”

“A bit, we can’t just take it for granted, even though I still don’t know who I’m actually laning against.”

“How would you rate them?”

Jensen blinked and looked thoughtful for a moment. “I think they all have potential, but it’s just the difference with the size of the servers. They just won't have that many people of that caliber, so training must be hard.”

The conversation continued on the road of the tournament and their options of the rest of the teams as they took the quiet, restful time in their stride. The small beep of Jensen’s phone was hardly noticed.

_‘Are you guys talking strats or anything?’_

__

__

‘Nah, just chilling.’

_‘Good,’_

Mere seconds later - there was a knock on the door and TSM was once again in their lounge room.

“I’m starting to think you guys are a little obsessed with us to be honest.”

“Oh shut up, we all snuck out and wanted something to do.”

“Wait , really?”

“Yeah, Reggies on the way path, you have to practice 24/7, you get to get out of groups, C9 is crushing you have to do better than them.” Peter’s impersonation was so on point that the rest of TSm seemed to flinch and shudder slight;y. “You know sometimes you just have to get away.”

“Really and what would you have done if we had been taking star?”

“Go chill in that awesome rooftop pool you guys have access to?” Vincent suggest with a grin. “Which you know, is still a pretty good option.”

“You’re just here for the pool?”

“I’m just here for that AWESOME pool, yes.”

A few moments later the teams were off, promising Jack and Reparef they’ll be back before “bed time”.

“You guys still have games tomorrow!” Was the called out words that followed them as they raced up the stairs. No one was at all surprised that Kevin beat them all to the top of the roof, the first one to jump right into the pool, everyone following quickly after.

The cool water was refreshing in the warm, evening air.

“Nicolaj?” Zach quietly approached him in the water, keeping his voice quiet. “Your scars, on your back - they’re changed.”

Jensen blinked for a seconds, wondering what in the world Zch meant, but then it clicked, and he remembered. His broken wing on the left was no longer in it’s white, almost invisible scar. Thanks to the abuse of said wing the scars were now a prominent red. “Oh yeah, um, it’s always been like that, it's just more obvious now.”

Zach hummed, staring at it in confusion. “I don’t ever remember…”

“It was white before, part of the whole ritual thing.” Jensen kept his voice quiet, not wanting to attract anyone else’s attention. Although his team had probably already noticed the change in colour. “But now it’s red because of-”

“Because of him?” Zac sighed, wrapping his fingers in Jensen’s and resting his head on Jensen’s shoulders. “I won't let him hurt you anymore, I promise.”

Jensen decided against voicing how imposible that promise would be to keep, instead squeezing Zach’s hand tightly and pulling him into a hug. “Let’s not think about that now, let’s just enjoy the moment.”

Zach nodded, his eyes turning to focus on the two teams who had somehow started a game of Chicken, Juan sitting on Andy’s shoulders, while Vincent sat on top of Kevin’s. Impact was standing in the middle yelling and being a “referee”.

Jensen chuckled at the sight, causing a laugh to come from Jensen as well. “That can only end in disaster.”

“Oh I think that’s the point.”

The two of them stood back, still intertwined with each other, wishing this moment could last forever as the time seemed to slip quickly by.

“Come on, cute lover boys, your turn!”

“Oh no, we’re quite -” Jensen’s voice trailed off as Zach pulled him towards the middle of the pool. ‘Zach, really?”

“Come on, I’ll carry you - you know, for a change.”

Jensen laughed, and let him pull him right into the middle of the pool, were Peter and Soren were waiting. “Carry vs Carry, let’s go!”

It ended quickly, with all four of them collapsing almost simultaneously, falling on top of each other in laughter.

“I won.”

“No you didn’t you dropped, my shoulder strength is superior.”

“Oh, but my midlaner got yours off balance first,”

“It wasn’t fair, how in the world did you know the one spot I am ticklish anyway?”

“I have my sources.”

The argument merged into a fit of laughter as they all relaxed in the pool, watching the shifting sky as the moon and stars continued to disappear and reappear with the smog and clouds. Too soon was it time to head back inside. The air cooling around them.

“Too bad you having a bedtime.”

“Yeah yeah, you’re the ones that actually have to get back to your hotel before Reggis kills you.”

Laughter rang out again as they all dried off, shaking water out of their hair. “Yeah, I don't think us staying the night - will go doan too well.”

“Wait oh wait- perfect mental image, yes… that is amazing.”

“Shouldn’t you all be elsewhere at this time of night, especially some of you.” By now they all knew the voice and they all hated it. Jace was walking towards them, coming from the entrance leading back into the hotel - the only entrance.

“How did you know we were up here?” Andy’s voice cut through the evening air, as he, and the rest of them, made small steps towards Jensen blocking him from the approaching man.

“Dearest Andy, I always know where my property is.”

“He is not-” Zach;’s anger cut off his words, at a loss of what he had just heard. “Nicolaj is not your property.”

“Oh and I suppose you think he’s yours, love is a pretty weak pillar when it’s disconnected Zachary.”

Zach looked absolutely confused at this, not even sure what it meant. While the whole of TSM just flinched, knowing full well that the word pillar was not used lightly.

“Just let us past Jace, we all need to go back and sleep for tomorrow, you know, words and such.”

“It’s a bit boring at the moment, don’t you think? A bit too easy, maybe you would like a challenge, like not having your star carry for instance…”

The circle like guard tightened around Jensen, with Impact and Kevin standing in front - glaring down Jace. “I don’t think that is going to happen.”

“What is it to you?” Kevin flinched at the words. “This is not your team,why would you care?”

“I… we care because of this little thing called friendship which you don’t seem to have any idea about.”

“Friendship, how cliche.” Jace laughed. “Lucky for me pillars aren’t made of friendship, so you have no power here. Nicolaj - come.”

Jensen flinched, the words echoing in his head - and pulling pain from his back. “Guys… just, just let me you don’t know what he is capable of.”

“He’s capable of hurting you.” Andy commented with a growl. “We know that.”

“I promised I wasn’t going to just stand by and let you leave again, I’m not breaking that promise.” Zach stared at Jensen with a slight glint in his eyes. “Let me protect you.”

“I can’t.” Jensen just shook his head, ripping his hand out of Zach’s before moving forward. He sighed as he tried to move past the two teams. He only had one option. _“You know why I need to do this, I can survive, don’t let me have to find out if you can’t.”_

The Danish hung in the air, a silence following them before Dennis, with a heavy sigh, stepped away leaving a gap for Jensen to move through and stand out in front. _“I fucking hate you sometimes.”_

__

__

_“I know, I’m sorry.”_

“Dennis, what the hell, why?”

“You know why, we don’t - we can’t.” He shook his head at Kevin, who swore as he figured there was no arguing. He placed an arm over Impact’s chest - stopping him from moving forward.

Jensen didn’t look back as he moved forward carefully, hesitating slightly. “Alright, you win, I’m here - just leave them out of this.”

“No.”

“No?”

“I told you, I don’t just want your mercy, I want your everything.”

It happened without any warning, really, and so quickly that he had no idea what was happening until the pain exploded in his chest - until the screams and yells of his name.

Jace smirked at him as he pushed the large dagger further into his chest, twisting it up and gripping the handle tighty a it was stained with blood. “I want them to to run, to flee - I want you alone.” He pulled the dagger out in one quick motion, grinning at the blood that came out on it was not blood at all, but black, dark ink. “Time to see who really cares.”

Jensen gasped in pain - falling to his knees and trying his best to stop the pain, to stop the pulling of muscles in his back. All the noises were muted, dulled, all his vision blurring into one. “No. no. not like this - please.”

"To late, my angel.”

Jensen screamed in pain - as with a burst of wind his wings exploded from his back, showering the roof and all those on it, with feather and ink. He fully collapsed to the ground, tears welling in his eyes, pain still coursing through his back.

“Not like this - please…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :D Please let me know what you think.


	15. Stay With Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for continuing to read this work - it really means a lot! We're really getting down to the tail end of this story when everything is becoming clear and more and more information is coming to light - I hope you all continue to enjoy! :D
> 
>  **Chapter Warnings** Violence, mentions/implications of abuse, language.

**Now I'm fighting this war since the day of the fall  
** And I'm desperately holding on to it all  
\- - - 

Zach had rushed forward, screaming as he watched the dagger enter and exit Jensen’s chest. He was stopped in his tracks at the burst of wind, then the reason for stopping turned to shock, rooting him on the spot. He found himself wiping ink from his face, carefully moving a small black feather around through his fingers.

“Nicolaj?”

His whole body was still shaking. The wings spread out in all of their splendour – ink dripping out from where they had come out of his back. Blood without really being blood. Zach’s heart tore, his mind screamed, and his hand went to the chain around his neck, the ring attached to it suddenly feeling heavy.

This, this is why he had been so afraid – this is what he been hiding.

“Nico?”

Jensen turned his head slightly to stare at him – fear glinted in his tear stained eyes. “I’m sorry, I-“ He cringed in pain, groaning while taking a deep breath. “I am so sorry, please don’t…”

“Don’t what? Run, leave?” Zach, although completely terrified, moved forward – small hesitant steps towards the shaking Jensen. “Don’t be stupid, I’m not leaving.”

“You’re not?”

“No, I am staying with you – no matter what this is.” Zach tilted his head and risked a smile. “you’re…. some kind of mythical creature?”

“Kind of.”

“Like a guardian angel, right? Immortal and held up by humans who have certain aspects that angels need and reveal?”

Jensen blinked, confused. “What – how did you even…”

Juan shrugged. “When we found out about the scars, I did a little digging on the whole myth part of it. I mean, after reading it I really didn’t think it was true… guess I was wrong in that respect.”

“Brushing up on your Danish mythology is always a good idea.” Vincent commented with a small, cheeky grin at Jensen. The comment caused Jensen to laugh slightly, although in turn brought on a burst of pain, the laughter quickly turning into a grimace.

The wound, although physically healing, was not fully gone – it still hurt and pulled.

“Hear, let me.”

_“No, no – not here, not in front…”_

“I don’t understand.”

_“If he finds out you’re a pillar you are as good as dead, please just… I’ll be fine.”_

Soren stopped moving forwards at this – the words crashing into his like whiplash. His extended hand being pulled back to his chest immediately. “Okay, I don’t like it… but okay.”

“Okay, oh no my friends, none of this is okay.” Jace, it had been too easy to forget he was even there, just for that small moment. He stood, completely fuming, anger flashing in his eyes – a tight, white knuckled grip on the dagger that still stained with ink and blood. “It’s not okay at all, none of you have run away screaming yet.”

“You really thought that was going to happen?” Dennis glared at the man, shaking his head. “It didn’t happen the first time, it’s not going to happen now.”

“Wait, you knew?”

“Yeah you know, crazy man trying to kill him – the whole not wanting to tell you something.”

Zach blinked, placing a hand on Jensen’s shoulders and giving it a small squeeze in what he hoped was reassurance. “Huh, well I am glad that you didn’t not run.”

Kevin scoffed at this. “As if, not matter what the apparent cost.”

Zach sighed. Running a hand though his hair he smiled softly at Jensen before getting to his feet. “Besides, I don’t think that this was for you.” He breathed out deeply, straightened his shoulders and face Jace. “You thought I would leave him That I would walk away and not love him anymore? Just like that?”

“Zachary, you can’t stand there and truthfully tell me that you aren’t scared.”

“You’re right, I can’t. I’m terrified and confused and I don’t know what any of this means but that does not mean I am just going to up and leave. Especially if it means leaving him to you.” Zach chocked slightly, holding back teas, gripping the ring around his neck tightly. “I made a promise, and I intend to keep it. I love Nicolaj, and nothing will ever be able to change that.”

Jace smirked. “I always knew you were a pillar – but getting rid of you won’t help anything. Your pillar doesn’t allow me access to anything that I can’t already forcibly take.” Jensen flinched at this, his wings twitching as a pulling pain corresponded with a pulse of wind, a few feathers falling from his already broken wing. They floated to the ground as if in slow motion, soaked in black ink.

“No, no it’s faith that I’m after and once I figure out who holds that power… I’ll be unstoppable.”

“Sorry, not today.” Andy had walked forward, wanting to be close to Zach if anything happened. “You won’t be breaking any pillars today – so you can kindly leave all you have accomplished today is making any bonds stronger.” His voice shook slightly, because truly – he was kind of terrified, but he wouldn’t let something like the fear of the unknown stop his from being there for his friend.

“Hmm, perhaps you are right, or I can just randomly start guessing.”

The dagger flew out of his hand quicker than anyone could comprehend – the full blade of the dagger embedding itself into Andy’s thigh. The support gave a cry of surprise mixed with pain, falling sideways onto Zach who gently led him to the ground.

“Fuck, Andy – Andes?”

“I’m going to be okay, Zach.” He looked down at the injury, his blood spilling out, mixing with the ink stain that was already soaked into the metal. “Ooo fucking hell…”

“Hmm, one possibility down.” Jace had his eyes set on Jensen, who was glaring defiantly at him but hadn’t made any other movements or reactions. “And what is it, seven more to go. Enjoy the rest of your evening gentleman.”

With that he turned away, back into the hotel, leaving the stunned group standing out in the cooling, dark, evening.

**x-x-x**

“They should have been back by now.”

“I’m sure they’re on their way, no need to fret.” Jack nodded tightly, his face set as he sat with Robin, Reapered. The TSM coach and owner suddenly appearing like a storm a few moments ago. “They know they need to be back by a certain time, so they will be.”

“I am surprised that you even let them leave, you should be practising – making sure you get through play-ins.”

“Really Reg.” Reapered chuckled. “You have so little faith in my team you think they can’t get through play ins? You need to lighten up, to let your players lighten up. I think – I mean I’ve seen – they’ve gone through some shit.”

Jack almost laughed at this. “That’s an understatement, I don’t know what is going on, not fully. So, they need the time together now, I think the time is the most important to them.”

The room fell into a kind of awkward silence after this. Only broken a few minutes later by the sound of the two teams returning to the room.

“Shit sorry Andy, walking through the door – right I got you.”

“It’s fine really, you can ah – put me down now.”

“Ah no, I am putting you down on a bed, or chair, or something – then we are going to get you fixed up.”

“It’s not that bad, come on guys, it’s hardly even bleeding.”

“That’s because we haven’t taken the dagger out and – ah, oh hello.” By the tone in Kevin’s voice he hadn’t quite expected anyone to still be up. He wasn’t expecting to be suddenly stared at by the whole C9 staff and his own coach staring at him. The shocked looks at the sight of him carrying the injured Andy bridal style. “Ah, could I get one of you to kindly move?”

“What the fucking hell!”

“Yeah that pretty much sums it up.” Was Impact’s comment as the rest of them entered, he and Dennis carrying a very pale and sickly-looking Jensen between the two of them. “Don’t ask questions, it’s just all too confusing.”

“I think we just need to get this one in bed.”

“Mmm,” Was Jensen’s reply as he barely kept his eyes open.

“Okay.”

They quickly moved past, shuffling in a way to never show Jensen’s back to the people in the room. Zach and Soren quickly following them into one of the room. They all just stared at the close door, in complete shock, their eyes them moving to Andy – and the blood dripping down his leg.

“Is everything…”

“Jensen is going to be fine, but really, like I said – can you all move?”

**x-x-x**

As soon as the door was closed behind them they rushed to take off the coats that they had thrown over Jensen’s back, the wings bursting forward, fluffing out their kinks after being confined to the small space.

“Do you think they noticed?”

“I think they were too focused on Andy’s injury and how much in pain he and you looked rather than seeing you back.” Soren made a face. “Though you won’t be able to hide it forever, why are they not going back – like they did last time.”

“It healed quicker last time, this time… it’s trying to heal everything, not just the wound but everything else, but it can’t – so it won’t let me go back.” Jensen gritted his teeth. “But I need to I can’t, I can’t stay like this forever, it’s just what he wants.”

“Well can you – you know, force it, without healing it?”

“Wait what kind of silly idea is that Berg, then he’ll be in pain!” 

“No, I can just – heal him.”

There was a stunned silence at this as they all kind of stared at Soren. Zach narrowing his eyes at the midlaner in confusion, “Why – are you some kind of magical being as well?”

Soren chuckled, “No – but I’m a pillar of one.”

Jensen huffed at this, “Can you not keep saying that out loud, he might hear you.” His words were hissed, both in anger and in pain, as he leaned against the wall, trying to ignore the horrified looks on his friends faces as he purposely bent his wings. “He can’t know, I won’t let you do that for me.”

“Too late, I’ve decided your worth it.”

“Wait.” Something in Impact’s mind clicked. “So that was you, I thought that the whole covering up that scar was a bit too perfect.” He shook his head before turning his attention to Jensen, “whatever you decide on doing you look like you could use some water, allow me.”

He left the room quickly – letting in the sound of everyone outside questioning.

“Wait, so Soren gets to heal you and I don’t?” Zach pouted, looking slightly annoyed. “How does that even work?”

“It’s because healing is supernatural, it’s part of the angel part of me – and that’s the pillar that he is.” Jensen just shrugged, trying to move away from Soren who was walking up to him. “Look I will be fine, I just don’t want to risk him knowing so…” he breathed deeply again, pressing his fist against his forehead and kneading his forehead. “So, you just have to relax and let it all happen.”

“Fine. Fine but if those wings are still there tomorrow – then I you must let me help. You can’t go on stage with them or decided not to go on stage because of them. If there is a way to help I am helping, no matter what – deal?”

He huffed, “Fine deal.”

“Good, I think I’m going to go and check on Andy and see if Reggie will let us stay here the night.”

“I’ll come with you, you might need an extra hand convincing him of that.” Dennis piper up, walking over to the door with Soren. “You two just – rest up.”

“Yeah, real subtle.” Jensen called back to them as they left the room, pouting as Zach chuckled slightly, making his way over to the bed and sitting himself down beside Jensen. “You can leave if you want, really, Andy might need your support, he’s injured.”

“So, are you, idiot – you need to think of yourself for once – and can you stop that please?” He moved his hand towards Jensen’s back, hesitating slightly at the wings. “Stop, putting pressure on them. You’re hurting yourself.”

With a deep sigh Jensen leaned forward, relieving the pressure he had his wings under by pushing them against the wall and pulled his knees up to his chest. “I hate them, I hate what it does to me, I hate what they’re done to use and I just- “

His voice trailed off into a small choke, as he held back tears. Zach wrapping his arms around him, pulling him in closer. “I think… that they’re beautiful and that you’re beautiful and that they’ve brought us good things as well.” Zach smiled softly, tracing his fingers around the words that were scared into his collarbone. “I know it hurts now, I can only really imagine how much so…. But we will be stronger, in every way.”

Jensen smiled back, leaning into Zach’s touch. “You always know the right things to say, but you’re right… I guess it brought me closer to you, and to everyone else…” He paused again before shifting slightly on the bed and under Zach’s arm, noticing the way he was trying to keep his arm away from the feathers. “You don’t… don’t have to be careful around them, you know – you can touch them if you want.”

“I thought… I thought only he could do that, well, him and Berg.”

“And you – you’re a pillar too, don’t forget – the strongest one.”

“Strongest?”

“You hold me together Zach. All you need to do, is stay with me...”

Breathing deeply and trying his best not to turn into complete mush at the words. Shifting slightly, he moved his hands, shaking as he ran them through and down the full wing. He wasn’t too sure what he was expecting but the feathers were soft, supple to the touch and he felt almost at peace running his hands through them.

Jensen leaned into the touch, sighing softly. The pain still throbbed through his whole body but now he could push it to the back of his mind, now he could solely focus on the soft touch of Zach’s hand through the feathers and muscles of his wings.

“It’s okay, I don’t know how – but it’s going to be okay – somehow.”

Jensen could almost believe it as he let his eyes close and let himself succumb to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading, please let me know what you think and the next chap will be up soon :D


	16. Reasons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooohooo, we are really getting to it now. It's going to be none stop full tilt, confusing angst and drama from here on out - buckle up my friends! Thank you all for sticking with me - it really means a lot. I would also like to warn that things might seem a bit OOC from here on out - emotions are running pretty high at the moment!

**Cause your soul is on fire, A shot in the dark  
What did they aim for when they missed your heart?**

\- - -

He woke to sunlight shinning through the curtains, falling across him and the entire bed – bathing it in an orange glow. He was all alone, it was only just barley daylight from how deep the colours were, and he was all alone. After everything that was said and had happened had he been left alone after all? Panic welled up in him, fear, pain – it had taken barley a second for his mind to decide he had been abandoned.

No, no he couldn’t do this alone, he had to have them by his side, he had to have him by his side to survive. Paranoia clung to him like a cold sweat as he made his way out of bed, clinging onto the blanket, wrapping it around himself as if it would protect him from the pain swelling in his heart. His steps were hesitant, slow, his legs shaking as he made his way to the door. He flung the door open in one quick motion., pushing it hard and closing his eyes tight as he expected the emptiness.

“Nicolaj, is everything okay?”

He peeked through his eyes, taking a deep breath at the sight of the lounge room full of his friends, all holding cups of coffee and in different states of waking up. Some even still in the sleeping bags they had obviously slept in the lounge in. 

“I ah, um…” He looked back into the empty bed room, swallowing hard as he returned his eyes to the lounge. They landed on Zach and the panic finally disappeared. “I’m fine, I’m… really okay.” His body was still shaking, something that did not go unnoticed by Zach.

He figured it out immediately. “Oh… fuck, I’m sorry I thought you would be asleep for longer.” He rushed up to Jensen and wrapped him in a hug. “You silly thing, you thought I had left you?”

“Well… you weren’t there, so…”

“You thought I would just up and leave you, just like that?”

“Not just you.” The words were quiet, barley audible, but seeming the room was deadly quiet it was easily heard by everyone. “I mean, what do you expect, I don’t even understand why no one, no one freaked out or run, or wanted me gone I… just panicked and…”

“We didn’t hear from you for a whole weak.”

“What has that got to do with anything?”

“What has it got…” Juan sighed deeply. “We didn’t even know if you were alive man, we didn’t even know if we were going to see you again. So it really doesn’t matter, knowing everything, seeing everything, we’re just glad you’re alive.”

“But- “

“No buts.” Andy cut in, pulling himself into a standing position, wobbling slightly on his injury. “We are family, friends, pillars – we don’t just walk away.”

“But you got hurt, you could all get hurt – how are you all okay with that?”

“Would you do it?” Peter was the one that asked, a small glint of determination in his eyes. “If it was any one of us, anyone from the league, would you run, would you walk away?”

Jensen’s answer was immediate, not even having to think about it. “Of course not, never.”

“Well there, you have your reason.”

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Can’t you just understand I don’t want any of you to get hurt, that it pains me that some of you already have.”

“We do, but it’s also the reverse.” Zach wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “We hate that you’ve been hurt, speaking of which – it looks like the sleep did you well.” He poked him slightly in the back, right where the wings had been the night before. “I’ve glad to see you have somewhat recovered.”

“Damn right about that.” Jensen almost jumped at the voice, his eyes turning to Jack as he came into the room, closely followed by the rest of the coaching staff. “Now I don’t know what the fuck is going but last night… seeing one of you stabbed, and one of you on the brink of complete collapse… is not something I am totally…” He moved over to Jensen, eyes glinting slightly, corners wet with tears. “I thought, I thought I told you if there was anything….”

“There wasn’t… it wasn’t you – or your fault or anyone’s…”

“Oh right, not my fault that I hired a murdering psychopath.” Jack commented, his voice laced with sarcasm and an undertone of anger. He sighed, before suddenly looking regretful. “I’m sorry, I missed it completely and I am so damn sorry.”

Jensen breathed deeply, wishing that he could have this conversation in private – to tell him the truth, to make him understand. “Believe me, this is something that you could not have known about. I wanted… I wanted to do this all on my own, but I guess now that is not going to happen. But, I will still do my best to keep you all out of my fucked-up troubles.”

“Mmmhmmm.” Jack offered Jensen a genuine smile. “And we will do our best to get mixed up in it – deal?”

Jensen just mumbled something incoherently under his breath, although a smile crossed his features.

“Alright, let’s do this – we have some games to win and time to spend together.” Andy, somehow, jumped on his feet and ran over to where Jensen and Jack were staring at him in shock. “What? Life as normal as possible, right?”

“How the fuck, are you walking on that?”

“I don’t know, maybe Kevin’s nursing skills are just amazing?”

“True, but not the reason – it actually wasn’t that deep and the ink… I don’t know, kind of – sealed the wound somehow…” Kevin just shrugged this off. “You know, normally I would think it impossible but with all the shit I’ve seen in the past few months, I’ve just decided to stop questioning things.”

“I don’t remember reading anything about that in all the mythology.” Vincent looked thoughtful before adding. “Granted, the mythology never really mentioned a lot of things… like this all being real for instance. Maybe the ink has healing properties.”

“No,” Jensen shook his head. “Not the ink itself, but the feathers, on of them or a small part must have been caught in the blade.”

“Neat.”

“Weird.”

“Totally don’t know what you’re all talking about but,” Reginald, who looked, to his credit, not as freaked out and utterly bewildered as he felt eyed the two teams in confusion. “Are you sure you want to go on stage today after what happened? I mean we could probably talk to everyone, explain you were hurt?”

“No, we need to do this, I mean, at least, I think we do.”

“I’m in only if Nico is.”

“Normality would be good but… but what if he tries something there.”

“Then think of TSM as your personal body guards for the day. Oh, and I beat the guys from Immortals will want in as well.”

“Can we please not drag anyone else into this.”

“Oh please, telling them we are looking out for and possibly getting to injure the person that you know, basically stole you and has been abusing you for the whole split and they will jump at the chance to help.”

Jensen could only really watch as his team and TSM moved around him, coming up with a battle plan to keep him safe while they were playing their games on stage. He excused himself, retreating into his room, trying to make sense of all the thoughts rolling around in his head.

Standing together in the chaos, Jack, Reapered and Reginald watched their teams join forces together. “You know, apparently there has been some fucked up shit going on in the past few months.”

“Yeah and we didn’t even… fuck I never even saw it.” Jack couldn’t comprehend it. It had been said so casually, but it had hit him like a truck. He had guessed, had an inkling after his conversations, but this – how easily it had just been said terrified him, how long it had been going on right under his nose disgusted him.

“They had each other.” Reapered’s words were short, sharp, filled with an anger and flame. “Yes, it was fucked up, but they had each other – they helped each other.”

“Yeah, you’re right and now… now we can help too, no matter what they need.”

**x-x-x**

True to what Dennis had voiced, Immortals were more than happy to help keep an eye our for Face and keep him away from Jensen. They were all spread out through the complex, easily being able to explain their presence as “scoping out the competition.” The first half of the day went without any problems. It was later in the in the evening, as they watched a game in the waiting room, the one before their last match of the day when something happened, something sinister seemed to crackle in the air.

Cody and Olleh came barrelling into the room, locking the door behind them and pressing themselves against the door. “We, ah, have a situation.”

“Yes, well, we gathered that – by the sudden erratic behaviour.”

“No one can get hold of Double and Bio, like, phones off – not where we saw them last, just completely disappeared, gone.”

Jensen stiffened at this. “He’s calling me out.”

“We don’t know that.”

“Really? He’s completely unhinged, obsessed with figuring out who he needs to… kill, to crumble a pillar. And two of the possibilities suddenly disappear!”

“Okay, okay can we not mention any more killing.”

“I have to go.”

“No, no you don’t.” Olleh argued, flattening himself against the door. “See, Soren said you would do this, so we have been charged with guarding the door, so you don’t leave. Besides, you have a match soon.”

“I don’t care about the match when my friends are in danger!”

“You should, with you out on stage he can’t do anything – you should know that by now.” Andy placed a reassuring hand on Jensen’s shoulder. “And besides, I’m sure everyone else is looking for them. He won’t hurt them, you told me that – not with you there to react to it.”

Jensen huffed, that was true, for Jace to finally get his answer he would have to be in the room, or at least a close proximity for him to figure out weather he was hurting a pillar. He just hated, hated that they all were going through needless pain because of him.

“So, when you think about it, you go out there, and you’re actually putting them in danger – you’re all safer if you just stay apart.”

“Ah, stop being so logical, I just hate…”

“That we are all involved, deal with it.”

No, he couldn’t, and he didn’t know how much longer he could take it, staying here, sitting here – just waiting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading - please leave a comment to let me know what you thought! :D


	17. Fight to Protect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your awesome comments! We're almost there my dudes, which means from here on it it's none stop drama and action! There's no going back now XD

**Can I speak in anger, can I speak in shame  
Can I just be here?  
\- - -**

“Look, if you’re going to kill u just get it over and done with nice and quickly thank you.”

“Vince, can we kindly not tell the unhinged crazy man to kill us thanks.”

Peter and Vincent were tied back to back, their hands intertwined together and pulled tightly with rope. Their legs were also tied together, twisting slightly in an uncomfortable position that made moving of any sort difficult.

“What I just find it boring siting here – I feel like a pawn; a trap and I would like this over and done with quickly.”

“My dear Vincent I have no intention of killing you.” Jace chuckled, watching the duo as they struggled and bickered. “Unless you are the mysterious pillar I’m looking for, if that then sorry to say all bets are off.”

“Okay… then why haven’t you at least hurt us, like you did with Andy, as some kind of test.”

“Because my Nicolaj is not here to react to it, I need to be able to see him, to se if he reacts.” Jace sneered down at them. “Really Vincent, I thought you knew your mythology.”

Vincent just growled at this, while Peter commented. “So really we are just bait, you are using us to lure Jensen here and they you plan on hurting him.”

“Something like that, after the games of course, can’t let the fans down, now can we?”

“You’re completely insane, you do know that right.”

“Not insane, oh no, obsessed maybe, bewitched by a taste of the mythical, but not insane.”

Vincent and Peter just looked at each at this, sharing their disbelief as they continued to try to free themselves from the ropes. Jace just watched them struggle, keeping an eye on them and making sure there was not even the smallest chance of them escaping.

He stood slightly to the side, continuously looking out of the grate that gave him a perfect view of the stage. They were directly above the entrance, here he could see exactly when they walked on stage and when they walked off. 

He had it all planed out in his head, by the ned of the day he could have either found the pillar or ruled out two possibilities. Either way blood would be spilt, and the knife he rolled around in his hands hungered for it.

**x-x-x**

“Anything?” Jensen found himself hoping for a different answer but all he got was a deep sigh and a shake of a head.

“I have a feeling that if he doesn’t want to be found, he won’t be.” Soren had made his way over to meet hem just before they headed onto stage. “We just have to believe and have some faith that they will be okay, and he won’t hurt them.”

“Not when I’m not their he won’t.” Jensen bit his lip, “I told you all this was a bad idea.”

“We will keep looking, you just get out there and smash it.”

And they did, although their mind was elsewhere, and they were completely focused on the safety of their friends they still came away with the win – and a first-place finish in their group.

“They want you for the interview Jensen.”

“Well they’re not getting any, I have more important things to do, I have friends to fine, I have a crazy psychopath to find, and I…!” Jensen’s ramble was cut off by a sudden whoosh sound and a blunt thud as a knife flew past his vision and imbedded itself into the floor below. It had come from just above him.

Blood dripped from it and the whole team looked up at once. “What the fuck is even… Jensen, wait?”

“I know where they are – call security or onsite paramedics or something, I think they’re both hurt.” He ran away from his team, taking a sharp turn at the end of the corridor before running up the fire escape.

The hatch into the air-conditioning access was ajar and he flung it open, ready to face down a leering Jace holding the duo bot lane captive. He faltered slightly at the sight that greeted him, blinking.

“Ah, what?”

“Jensen! You really shouldn’t be here man.” Peter rushed forward, holding one hand over the other wrist as it bleeds profusely. “We were just about to come and find you.”

“You, you – wait what?” Jensen’s eyes moved quickly from Peter to Vincent, to the seemingly knocked out Jace on the floor. “What the fuck happened?”

“Well, you see, he come over and tried to stab Peter in the shoulder…”

“But we had already managed to get ourselves mostly free at this point, so we dropped him, right to the floor, and now we are here.”

“But, but the knife, and the blood and you’re injured.”

“Oh well, I may have, in my haste to get us free, cut myself while breaking through the bonds, I dropped it in shock.”

Jensen still looked confused, bewildered. They were fine, they weren’t hurt – it was almost too good to be true.

“Shall we get going then?” Vincent suggested, removing the now lose ropes from his ankles as he did so. “I would rather not spend another minute in that place, staring to get a little claustrophobic.” He went to walk over to Jensen and Peter but stopped as a sudden flaring pain burst through his body. He looked down to see a small dagger through his foot, a half conscious Jace clinging to it. “My foot! Really?”

“Vince!” Peter and Jensen ran forward, watching as Jace put more pressure on the blade, Vincent hissing at the pain in caused.

“Well I guess I can rule you out dear Vincent – you too I see.” Jace laughed, pulling the dagger out and watching as Vincent swayed slightly, falling back right into Peter’s arms. ‘But you know what, I am tired of waiting!”

With no real warning, Jace lunged forward on the ground, jamming the dagger the metal netting of the floor, pulling and lifting it up – they had no time to react, with its compromised stability the metal railing holding the units up gave way under their feet. With a shattering crunch the whole AC system crumbled around them – sending them all hurtling to the floor below.

**x-x-x**

“Air conditioning units?”

“Yeah, I mean, there is not much room, and it’s more like a metal cage thing that hangs on top of the ceiling.”

“And people can get into it?”

“Yeah, but I don’t know why you are asking about this, or why someone would even want to go-“

“Guys!” Juan came running down the hall, almost barrelling straight into the group. “I just, spoke to security, and it looks like some of the roof access above the stage were broken into – so it must be where they were, makes sense when you take into account the flying knife.”

“I still don’t understand why you would even…”

A loud, deafening crash drowned out any other comments, metal on metal, metal on concrete and a dust cloud exploded through the corridor leading onto the stage.

“What the fuck, how did a small movement like that bring this whole thing down?”

The yelled, confused voice obviously belonged to Peter as they all made their way forward, running over to the stage. The AC unit was in shambles, metal and glass littering the stage where the two teams had been moments before. In the jumbled mess was them; Jensen, Peter, Vincent – Jace.

“You’re alive!” Was the chorus as they ran forward, helping the shocked players to their feet. “Holy fuck how are you okay?”

“I think, I think that I might have something to do with that...” There eyes turned to Jensen, a black wing could be seen through the rubble, under a black metal and glass it was stuck.

“Jensen!” They ran forward, looking around and trying to see a way to free the wing.

“Don’t, don’t mind me.”

“Jensen, you’re stuck.”

“The fans, the… everyone that was in here, they need to get out – none of them should have to see this.”

Logically made sense, and after some debate on who would stay the rest of them all split up, making sure to clear the area of anyone else that could get involved. Security of the complex arrived quickly, and soon the teams themselves were being asked to evacuate.

Jensen was glad to see that everyone was getting out of harm’s way, the smile on his face at this fact turned into a grimace and then a cry of pain as the metal beam was pulled off his wings. A few of the feathers were caught in the railing, pulling off in the metal netting.

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine really, you need to get out of here.”

“How many times do we have to tell you, we are not letting you do this alone.”

“You are aware that was most certainly intended to kill, right? He’s not playing around anymore.”

“I know, but if this is it alone, we stand – somehow we fight.”

“But I.” Jensen’s heart pinged. “I can’t protect you – not all of you.”

“We’re not asking you to.”

The argument that he was having with Juan and Impact was cut short as Kevin came running over to them – covered in a thick layer of dust after having rescued his bot-lane from the ground. “Alright, we need out, security and some of the organisers have the crowd secured and everything cornered off. I say we leave the same way we came, as soon as possible.”

“No one, no one is going anywhere.” Jace’s voice echoed around the stage, metal debris and glass surrounding him, sparks jumping from where the roof had crashed into the electrical equipment. “No,” He wiped away the blood that was dripping down his forehead, his eyes glinting. “No, I have you all exactly where I want you.”

“Are you ever just going to give up, realize you won’t be getting what you want, that you can’t. That we won’t let you.”

“Oh, I know, I know I won’t be getting what I want, but don’t you see, that’s the beauty of it.”

“Excuse me?”

“If I don’t get what I want, no one does.”

Too late did they realise what this meant, too late did they realize exactly where Jace was standing and what he was holding. The metal bar jammed into the sparking current – the resulting shockwave, exploded throughout the area. Metal, glass and a flickering electric flare all pulsed forward, sharing the area.

Jensen moved forward without a second forward, wings spread, eyes set, determined. Protect – he must protect.

**x-x-x**

“I’m going back.” It wasn’t a question, or a maybe, or a ‘only if you join me’. It was a down right fact as far as he was concerned.

“Wait, Berg are you serious right now?”

Soren frowned, turning, he wasn’t too sure who had said it from the small group that were gathered around them, and he didn’t care. “Of course, he needs me, I can help – at least, I think I can. Make sure everyone else gets out okay.”

He called this back over his shoulder as quickly moved through the corridors, back to the arena. “I’m coming, I’m coming, please be alright, please…”

He was knocked off his feet by a sudden shock wave of power, knocking the wind out of him momentarily as his brain screamed in confusion. Picking himself up off his feet he breathed deeply, cringing at the pain it caused. “Fuck that, that cannot be good.”

Soren picked up the pace, not liking that the closer he got to the arena the darker it got, the smokier it got, scorch marks adorned the walls that lead him into the arena, ash ad glass littered the seats as he ran his way up to the stage.

He couldn’t have been too late, he couldn’t be – he refused to believe that.

The smoke around the stage was at its thickest, but when he walked into it, it cleared slightly, and he found himself feeling relieved, his heart beat returned to a normal rhythm. They were okay, his team, his friends, they were all okay. They were all staring at one spot, horror, shocked, unmoving and when Soren followed their line of sight his relief disappeared, replaced by pain, panic, fear…

“No… no.”

Black ash covered his skin, burns mixing and swirling with the ink across his skin. The right wing, the one he protected, the one he had to hold up, was a blaze with fire, although the flames had not burned through, almost like they were dancing across the feathers without touching it. The left wing was almost completely gone, blackened, broken and twisted from the sheer force of the blast it had taken.

Jensen was somehow still on his feet, eyes closed as he swayed back and forth. It was luck, pure luck of the angle that Soren had walked in on this mess on that he saw it all happening. The figure approaching behind, the weapon in his arms, the angle and swing in his body as he prepared to attack.

“NO!”

He leaped without thinking, without knowing, only one thing mattered – protect.

Soren half expected to feel the pain of the shaved metal slicing his skin open, he expected at least some kind of pain as he held out his hands, wanting to block the swing that he thought was going for Jensen’s wing rather than him himself.

But there was no pain, no blood as the metal sliced into his skin – none of that.

The metal stopped at his held-out hands, a long clang echoed around his head and he watched, in shock and through half opened eyes as Jace was pushed back slightly, as if he had been hit by an invisible force. Soren stumbled back slightly himself, breathing deeply as he hit Jensen, the feathers on the right wing shaking off the flames at his touch.

“What…” Jensen, having felt the shock of energy fly through him looked up, a small gasp on his lips at the sight. “Soren, no what – what are you doing?”

“Protecting you, what does it look like.” Soren’s eyes widened as Jensen collapsed, his legs giving out from under him. He managed to catch him, easing him slowly to the ground. “You’re going to be okay, I’ve got you.”

“You stopped him – I almost felt it, the pain through the wings, I knew it was coming but you…”

Soren offered him a sad smile. “I don’t know exactly what I did, but I am glad it happened.” He moved a hand out. Softly brushing the last of the flames off his wing, not wanting to look at the broken one. “And don’t you dare say what I think you’re going to.”

“But, but you just put yourself in danger, you just…”

“Oh, he’s certainly done that.” Both tensed, turning at the same time to see that Jace had recovered from the initial shock of what had just happened. He was staring at them with a maniacal look in his eyes, “Hello, my little pillar of faith – it’s so good to finally met you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, please let me know what you thought :D


	18. Blades of Mercy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the wonderful comments!  
> Whelp here it is! Hang onto your hats, this chapter is one wild roller-coaster!
> 
>  **Chapter Warnings** strong blood and violence, implications of death

**I'm a lover , I'm a sinner, I'm a fighter  
Gonna set your soul on fire**  
\- - -

A thick silence fell on them, causing an almost static like energy to fill the air. Small flecks of ash continued to float around them, as the teams, breaking free from their shock, moved forward as one to back up Soren and Jensen as needed.

Zach fell to his knees beside them, taking Jensen’s hand in his. “Nico, you saved us all – you didn’t have to.”

“Yes, I did.”

“But you are hurt.”

“Nah, not really, thanks to this idiot.”

“Don’t worry.” Soren was now on his feet, standing between Jace and Jensen. “This idiot, is not going anywhere… and this pillar, is not faltering, not matter what.”

“See, I knew that.” Jace spoke, twirling the metal shard in his hands. “I had a feeling after what I had already seen that none of you would falter, or move out of my way, which really leaves death as the only option.”

“You even try to touch him and I-“

“Go ahead, I’d love to see you try.”

“Soren!”

“You think killing me will get you what you want, you are wrong – you’re just putting another barrier in between you and Jensen.”

“You.” Jace hissed angrily. “You are my only barrier.”

“Do you really want to see a pissed off angel with no faith?”

The question hangs in the air, echoing through the darkening arena.

“Can you…” Jensen’s voice sounded strained. “Can you not tempt him to murder you please? I don’t think I could cope.”

“Egging the crazed psychopath on to kill you runs in the team it seems.” Peter commented dryly with a glare in Vincent’s direction. “I think we should all just stop doing that.”

“I would like to.” Jensen hissed, pain shooting through every part of his body. He breathed deeply out, rolling his shoulders and wings. “I would like to second that motion.”

Zach, hating that he was watching this all happen helplessly, did the first thing that came to mind. Wrapping his arms around the shaking Jensen he buried his head into Jensen’s feathers and bean mumbling words of encouragement.

Jensen couldn’t help but chuckle, “Zach, ah, babe what are you doing?”

“Trying to heal you?”

“Oh, it doesn’t really work that way.”

“Well, it should be, I love you and I want you to not be in pain, so it should work that way.”

Jensen couldn’t help but smile, running his hand through Zach’s hair. “I love you too Zach.”

Zach froze, as Jensen pulled him out of the hug. “That… that is the first you…”

“I know, and please remember that, no matter what is to come, please do remember that I love you.”

“You are making me nervous, talking like that.”

“For good reason Zachary.” It seemed, in his current state of unhinged-ness, Jace could only take so much of not being the centre of attention. “Once this is all over, you will never see each other again, never get to be so close, never get to touch. So, Zachary, I kindly ask that you get your hands off what belongs to me!”

“He’s not yours, he’s not anyone’s!”

“Not anyone’s, Dennis my poor dear soul, you have a lot to learn.”

“I choose who I belong to.” Jensen whispered, voice shaking slightly. “And that, that is not you.”

“And yet you can’t say that without faltering, can you?” Jensen couldn’t even protest this, he just mumbled something under his breath as Jace laughed. “You can’t deny it, now hush, your owners are having a dispute, I wonder who will come out on top.”

Soren narrowed his eyes at this, anger filling him. “Don’t you dare put words in my mouth. I will never, ever, claim to own someone. No matter the circumstances.”

“And yet you stand in my way, barring you from getting to what is mine.”

“Barring you from hurting my friend, you were trying to cut off his wings.”

“I thought I was out of options, but now, you have presented me with a new one.” He lunged, quickly out towards Soren. Luckily there was some distance between them, giving Soren time to react. He sides stepped the worst of it, the cold metal brushing against his side.

He hissed in pain, stumbling slightly on his feet, ignoring the gasps and yells from everyone behind him. “You guys, you all really should get out of here.”

“Oh no, you should all stay – I would love for you all to see this.” The metal was thrust at him again, this time towards his face. He stepped back, but still felt the sting of the metal cutting into his cheek. The cry of pain wasn’t his own – but it distracted him enough, a quick look back, for just the wrong amount of time.

Jensen had pushed Zach away, about to get to his feet when the blade had hit, a shockwave of pain vibrated all through his body and he couldn’t help but cry out. Placing a hand to his cheek. His scar, dark, inked, patterned, began to slowly reappear across his face, as if Soren had never healed it in the first place. He gritted his teeth, pushing past it and closed his eyes to force himself to think of anything else.

He opened them just in time to see a part of his world completely shatter, the pain across his face was replaced with the tearing of his very soul. “No!” His haunting scream echoed around the arena and he rushed forward, moving quick enough to catch him as he fell.

In the few quick seconds that Soren had turned to look at Jensen, Jace had pounced, driving the metal shard right through his chest and quickly pulling it out. Blood sprayed out with it, staining the metal and his clothes instantly. All he could do was gasp, trying to take a breath before he fall backwards.

“No. no Soren, please, _no this can’t be happening_ , how could I, I can’t do this without you, I can’t…”

“Hey, it’s okay…”

“How can it be… it’s not okay, this is why should have left, _you should have left me_ …”

Jensen’s mumbling was cut short by Soren reaching up and taking his hand, transferring the blood to his palm. “It’s going to be okay because I still…” He chocked, breathing out a hacking cough. “I still believe in you, I still have faith in you – you can do this, you can protect them.”

“But I, I couldn’t protect you.”

“Don’t you see, you were never meant to… that was my job, me, to, to protect you…”

There were nothing stopping the tears streaming down Jensen’s face at this, they all gathered around, wondering what to do, fearful that there was nothing to do to help. Soren’s eyes closed, and the hold he had on Jensen’s hand loosened. “No, no, no please, _please stay I can’t do this_ … I can’t heal you…” Jensen’s words mixed with sobs, with mutters of Danish and yelps of pain as the wings on his back reacted to every broken breath from Soren.

“Nicolaj…” The words were soft, quiet, but it broke through. Jensen blinked looking to where it had come from. Unsure if what he was seeing was actually there. He was pretty sure they hadn’t be there when all of this madness had started.

“Jack, what how did you…”

“Snuck through security, here.” He was in the process of taking off his large jacket, moving so he was right beside Jensen, shifting to place the jacket and twist it, putting as much pressure on the bleeding wound as he could. “He’s strong, you all are, you can both make it through this.”

“It’s all my fault.”

“You’re not the one holding the weapon, it’s not your fault, kid.”

Jensen frowned at this, holding the weapon? No, that was Jace, that was the monster that had ruined his life, injured his friends, caused the pain that was spiralling through his whole body. Jensen let go of Soren’s hand, staring at his own, now covered in his friend’s blood.

“No, no I wasn’t…” He glanced down at Soren one last time, content to see him breathing, content that the bleeding had stopped thanks to what Jack had done, content that he was surrounded by people that would do everything in their power to make sure he would get out of this alive. Okay, no, alive – yes.

That was all he needed, Soren alive, Zach alive, it was all he needed.

“It wasn’t my fault, no fully, but he – he has to pay.”

“Nico?” Zach tried to place a hand on Jensen’s shoulder but it was shrugged off by Jensen as he got to his feet, staring down Jace.

“You.”

“Mmm, I’ll just stand here and wait… can you feel it yet, that pillar falling down, your wing disappearing, knowing that it is almost over.”

“Nothing is crumbling.” Jensen’s words blunt, cutting, a venom in it that none of them had never heard before. “Don’t you get it? He was right, an angel without death, without mercy…” he glanced back at this, his eyes focusing on Zach. “With only love, love they need to protect – is a dangerous thing.”

“Oh please, like you even have what it takes, come on then Nico, show me some mercy.”

Jensen screamed at this and lunged, anger boiling in his blood, hate ringing in his ears, rage and hatred filling his soul. He crashed into Jace with a strength he didn’t even know he had, wrestling him to the ground, tumbling over a few time before Jensen pinned him to the floor, a knee on his chest, his hands gripping his wrists to the side.

They watched in awe, shock and a little bit of fear as the feathers fell off his wings all at once, replaced not with bone or muscle, but sleek steel. Silver blades that glinted in the darkness, swirling and twisting in the wings feathered pattern. Jensen snarled and the wings moved forward, snapping into position, the bladed hovering inches above Jace’s neck.

“Mercy? You don’t even know the meaning of the word.” The blades of the wings inches forward, the tip now resting on the neck, drawing a bead of blood. “Say it! Say it!”

“Mercy!” Jace’s voice was strained, hardly able to talk due to the pressure on his neck. “Please, please show mercy…”

“You never have it, when others asked you to show it, you never gave it!”

“Nicolaj!” Zach had run up to him, basically throwing himself at Jensen, gripping him tightly. “Don’t do this, please don’t let him do this to you.”

“He – he doesn’t deserve it – he shouldn’t get to misuse it!”

“I know, I know and I’m sorry but isn’t that the point of mercy? Nico, wouldn’t you out of us all of us know that better than anyone – no one deserves Mercy, that’s the whole point of giving it?”

Jensen just stared at Zach for this, his eyes still dark with anger his wings still twitching slightly. Shockingly one branch of feathers had even twisted in the direction of Zach, the blades shifting.

“Please, Nicolaj, don’t let him win, don’t let him make you do something you never would, it will just haunt you forever.”

Jensen let out a deep breath at this, the feathers all twisted, shifting back slightly, the metal and blades becoming less prominent. “I just, I can’t let him hurt anyone else…”

“I know, and he won’t, we will all make sure of that but not like this.” Zach leaned forward, placing a soft kiss on Jensen’s check, tasting the tears covering his face. “Please, Nicolaj, just come back to me.”

The anger vanished, the coldness broke and Jensen rocked backwards, moving away from Jace. Zach continued to hug him, pressing himself into Jensen, breathing out in relief as he felt more than saw the feathers return to normal.

“Zach, I, I’m sorry… thank you for helping me.”

“Come on, let’s get you out of here.”

“I-“ Jensen turned to look at Jace, who was spluttering out coughs, trying to get back to his feet. A deep settled hatred was still there, anger threatening to flare up. But there was also pain, pain for his pillar, pain for everything he had broken. Jensen let Zach pull him to his feet, he let him guide him gently back to the others. “Wait, where is Soren?”

“The others got him out of here, Kevin carried him.” Andy commented, a small smile on his lips as he added. “We just had to remind them that helping him was in turn helping you, the whole of TSM left, I presume there are paramedics around due to the explosion, he is strong, he’ll pull through.”

Jensen nodded, placing a hand on his chest. He would know, immediately if the worst had happened. For now, he was alive, maybe not conscious, or even close to being so. But alive, it was a small comfort. “Yes, I can feel… time will heal.”

“And you?”

Jensen turned at this, blinking at Jack’s question. “I truly don’t know if I can be.”

“Well.” He moved forward, swallowing, still trying to process everything he had just witnessed, all be it he didn’t know if processing would get through all his thoughts because one of his team members had wings! He placed a hand on Jensen’s shoulder. “We can try together.”

“I would like that.”

“No.” Jace was on his feet, still shaken up from what had happened. “No I will not… I don’t need your mercy. Or anyone’s else’s!” His eyes blazed towards Jensen, who looked ready to lunge at him again at any moment. “I own you, you have been mine the past few months! I’ve seen things no one else has, I’ve done things that would make your so-called fiancé blush! I don’t need your mercy, or your help – or anything! And you need to get back here, right in your place!”

“Are you done?” Juan asked as he rolled his eyes. “Because I am really tired of hearing your voice and I would love to get out of here.”

“No one is going…!” Jace’s words were cut short, his eyes closed, he swayed and he collapsed to the floor.

Behind him, Reapered stood with a large piece of the rubble from the destroyed arena. “Oh whoops, sorry, hope that was not too hard, just, so much, useless talking.” The team blinked as Reapered dropped what he was holding nest to the now unconscious Jace and moved towards the team. “Now we can go?”

The shocked silence was broken by Jensen, wo after everything, after all the pain and yelling and shit he had to deal with, couldn’t help but let out a laugh. Something, a small, kernel of something in his soul was telling him that this was it, it was finally over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please let me know what you thought ^^


	19. Shadow Feathers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the wonderful comments. We are SO close to the end and I want to really thank you all for sticking with me.  
> Ahaha, just when you thought the drama was over XD

**Hoping that's he's bent for something more than arguments  
And failed attempts to fly, fly**

They were permeant now, he was sure of it, feathers were beginning to grow back on his wings. He felt it as soon as they made their way out of the arena, knitting together of muscles and bone. He knew was soon as he felt the pain, good pain, but pain. His wings were becoming permanent, with every second that passed he was getting closer and closer to freedom. He hated it.

“So you’re talking this all very well.” Jensen commented as Jack walked beside him, the owner having placed a large jacket over his shoulders in hopes of helping hide the wings from the onlookers outside. 

“What, what am I supposed to do?”

“I don’t know, run around screaming about monsters?”

“I deal with monsters on a daily basis Nicolaj, believe me when I say that you are not one.” He chuckled slightly. “Hey, finding this out just adds to the list, the long life, of things I apparently missed regarding my team… do they, do they, ah, retract?”

“Normally yes, they come out when I’m injured, to protect me but this time, I don’t know if they’ll go back.”

“Oh.”

“I can feel them mending…”

“Is that a good thing?” 

Jensen didn’t want to quite admit what it actually meant, so instead he just shrugged. “I don’t know.”

Jack made a sort of ‘hmming’ sound at this, moving forward, in front of his whole team as they made their way out of the arena, shielding them from the horde of people outside. Jack was suddenly swamped, with reporters, fans and members of the league community.

“Fuck, how in the world as we supposed to-“

“Guys, over here!” The call came from the side, where an ambulance was parked, sirens washing the crowds with colour. It was Vincent that had called out, waving at them from the back of the ambulance. The team moved that way, slowly shuffling to try not to draw attention to themselves. “You made it out in one piece, wait, where’s the ass hole?”

“Oh.” Reapered blinked, “Perhaps I should go and tell the authorities to go and arrest him, excuse me.” He left, catching the attention of one of the police and started to have a jumbled conversation in English, Korean and Mandarin.

“That looks interesting.” Vincent commented with a chuckle. “So, do any of your need looking over?”

“I think we are good, where’s Soren, did they get him out okay?”

Vincent nodded, “Dennis and Kevin are with him, they took one look and shot him off to hospital. It’s where me and Pete should be technically.” He indicated to his bandaged foot. “But we managed to convince them to let us wait a bit to see if you came out.”

“Yeah and I am glad that we did.” Peter suddenly appeared from the other side of the ambulance. “Didn’t want you to get swamped by all those people.” He eyed Jensen apprehensively. “Are they still?”

“Yeah not going to go away anytime soon.”

The TSM AD made a thinking noise. “Well, at least Jack is doing a good job at keeping everyone at bay, even if more of them probably have no idea what is going on or what he is saying….”

“It’s crazy, but we made it.” Zach whispered softly, leaning into Jensen, who breathed out deeply, placing an arm around Zach’s shoulders. “He is never, ever going to hurt you again.”

“I know.” The pulling in his wings convinced him of that, the mending and recreating of feathers. He knew more than anyone that Jace had no control over him anymore, his pillar was reshaping himself, no longer a crumbled mess it had strengthened and was now standing still. 

He had taken back his own mercy the moment Zach had stopped him from killing Jace. He had been reminded of the real meaning of it, he was free – he no longer was held down.

“Thanks to you.”

“huh?”

“You helped me show mercy, helped me reclaim it, he’s no longer a pillar, I am my own pillar. So now I am free, thanks to you.”

“Good, I am glad that you are free.”

Jensen wondered if Zach would still be glad once he knew what it meant.

**x-x-x**

Jensen didn’t quite know how he did it, but he had managed to convince the team that he was okay and that he could visit the hospital on his own. Even if his convincing was an intense look in his eyes and a pleading to see for himself, it was probably more of a pity than a believing of him being okay.

Somehow Jensen had found himself in the room alone, having exchanged a short conversation with Dennis and Kevin, they left recognizing that he wanted to be alone. The large, heavy jacket was warm and constricting in the hospital room but it could not be helped, his wings and muscles were still healing and stitching themselves together. He was never showing them in public, not like how they were now.

Soren looked peaceful on the bed, almost like he was just sleeping, the surgery had gone well and he would pull through but it would be a long and painful road. Future repercussions were all too real, Jensen hated that he was part of it, that he had caused all of this.

“Hey Soren, I probably shouldn’t be here but I just had to see you. I knew that you were okay my… soul keeps telling me that you are but I had to see it with my eyes. And I had to… I had to give myself the chance to talk to you.”

Jensen’s mouth had suddenly gone dry, his heart rate increasing, his eyes stinging with tears. Soren deserved better, he deserved so much better than what he was giving him. He deserved to be awake, he deserved to be yelling at him, telling him he was stupid and that it wasn’t fair. But Jensen didn’t have the luxury of time, nor did he think his heart could take the looks he would receive.

“I don’t deserve you, or Zach, or anyone…. But you all saved me, you all stood by me. Because of you, because of what you did I could heal, my wings…. I wish you could have the chance to see them now, to see how they should be… to see how a real Shadow Feather looks like, not the terrifying parts, but the good parts, the parts that you made. I wish, I wish I had the chance to say goodbye properly – but this, this will have to do, this is all I get.”

Jensen swallowed back the tears, closing his eyes as he reached out and took Soren’s hand. “I am free, free from what’s been holding me here, free from not being able to move on. You could have walked away, you could have just, not cared but you did, you changed everything.” The words were spilling out faster than he could comprehend, faster than he thought possible.

He squeezed Soren’s hand and smiled down at the peaceful figure in the bed. “I loved you… you know that right, that’s the whole pillar thing. A piece of my soul loved you and that piece it’s…. shattering, it’s in pain because I—I have to go.” He blinked, shook his head and retracted his hand as if he had just been burned. “I… I have to go, thank you.”

He got to his feet and quickly made his way to the door, he stopped suddenly at the mutter from the bed.

_‘Brother, no… no please, please stay, please don’t go…’_

The last part of him shattered as he opened the door and closed it quickly behind him, letting out a deep breath as he leaned back on it, shaking.

“Nicolaj, are you okay – is everything okay?” Dennis’s words were full of concern and it caused more tears to stream down his face. All what Jensen could do was shake his head, no, no he was not okay.

It was Kevin that reached out, placing a hand on Jensen’s shoulder, not using any words, he pulled him into a hug. Jensen clung to him, breathing deeply. He wasn’t saying it, because he could barley speak but this was a goodbye too.

And it hurt, it hurt way too much as his wings continued to mend and pull together. A part of them wished they wouldn’t.

**x-x-x**

Jensen wondered what kind of sick irony was in play when the reason that he was healing so fast, and therefore leaving so soon was how much they cared for him. It made he laugh actually, through the pain that it was causing. All of his physical pain was gone, something that he would never feel again, but the emotions and the mentality of what he was about to do was destroying him.

Why couldn’t him being free be a good thing? Why couldn’t the beauty that this myth really was resonate into his actual life, rather than the hidden one he was now forced into. A part of him was happy however, a part of him that he knew would win out in the end. It would be that part of him that would come out when they all walked through that door, He hated that part of himself.

But all he could do was wait, wait until they came in, wait until they saw his wings, wait to say goodbye.

Shadow feathers were a myth for a reason, he didn’t belong here anymore.

“Jensen, are you alright man, you kind of just… locked yourself in, oh my…” Zach stopped in his tracks as he walked into their shared room. His eyes widening, his breath catching in his throat, it was beautiful, he could barley comprehend it. “Nicolaj, Nico… your, your wings?”

When he had first seen the single wing in all its splendour he had been shocked, he had been stuck by how beautiful it was, the colour, the way it glinted. But now, with both of them fully feathers, stretched out to their full length across the whole room, Zach realized how wrong he had been.

The single wing paled in comparison to the two he had now. Now, as Zach stared he knew he was looking at a real angel. It floored him. “It healed, it’s beautiful.” He walked over, tentatively placing a hand through the feathers. “This is what you meant right? When you said you were free… he had no control over you so you get your wing back.”

“Yeah, yeah they’re back.” Jensen’s voice was quiet, it cracked slightly as he tried to get the words out, turning to face Zach he forced a smile on his face. “Hey you.”

“H-Hey…” Zach faltered slightly, “Why, why does it look like you being free is actually a bad thing?”

“Zach, I… I don’t belong here anymore.”

The words hit Zach like a thunderclap, so chocked he didn’t even realize the rest of the team coming in to find them. “The fuck you on about, of course you belong, you are part of this team, this family… you are part of me.”

“I… Zach I can’t be…” Jensen shook his head. “I’m, I died Zach, I haven’t belonged here for a long time. And believe me, I tried, I tried so hard to not get close, to shut myself out… but the part of me hanging on to life, it fell in love and I am so sorry…”

“Don’t… don’t apologize for loving me Nico, it’s un-nerving. I don’t understand what you are saying, I don’t know why you would love me, promise me if…. We stopped him, he’s gone and you have me, and Soren and…”

“Angels aren’t meant to walk in this world Zach, only affect it, you dwell between but not within it.”

Zach shook his head, breathing deeply. “You’re not making any sense, it’s like a whole other person is talking… like you’re saying that you, that you don’t want to be here.”

“I have to go.”

“No. no you don’t have to…” Zach’s fear and confusion had shifted, had suddenly, changed to anger. Anger at what he was talking about, anger that it was being said so calmly… “Fuck… you can’t just leave me.” He took a few steps back, his body shaking. “What about our promises? What about our life together? How the fuck do you expect me to carry on without you if you just up and leave me?”

“I…”

“Did you just expect me to stop caring about you or something?”

“Zach I…”

“Do you think so little of me, of the team… and what? Are you just going to leave without saying goodbye to Soren?!”

“Zach.” Andy had placed a hand on Zach’s shoulders, stopping his rambles. “Zach breathe.”

“I can’t, I can’t breathe knowing…”

“I’m sorry.” Jensen’s voice shook, it was laced with the tears that were streaming down his face. “I am so sorry, I hate this, I do but it will be okay… you will be okay.”

“How, in the fucking world will I be okay?”

“Because I... I’m a myth, something that doesn’t belong, something that shouldn’t belong and shouldn’t be remembered.”

The air fell silent, a cracking of energy. Juan was the one that broke it, his voice barley audible. “We won’t… we won’t remember you?”

“No. no you wont remember me…”

“And how am I supposed to just forget the last three years of my life with you?”

“I don’t know, but it’s already happening….”

Zach had been too angry to notice, too terrified to realize, but he was feeling dizzy, he was feeling tried. And if he looked properly. Jensen seemed a little out of focus, the colours surrounding him muted and dull. “No…”

“Zach…”

“No!” He rushed back towards Jensen, wrapping him in a tight hug, burying himself into the embrace as Jensen tightly clung to him. “Don’t go, no, no please, I can’t…. I can’t lose you, I can’t forget you. I won’t… I wont let this happen, it can’t happen.” He collapsed to the ground, pulling Jensen with him.

He looked up to see the colours fading even more, the blacks of the wings turning grey and then a startling white. “No, no I won’t forget, I won’t…”

“Oh Zach.” Jensen bent down, kissing him hard on the lips, mixing his own tears with Zach’s holding him as close as possible. “Thank you, for grounding me, for loving me, but you have to let me go.”

When Zach looked up again all he saw was wings, bright white feathers glittering in the rooms natural light and they all fell, like they were nothing but leaves on the wind. Falling over him like fresh snow.

He closed his eyes and screamed, in pain, in sorrow, in anger.

Zach opened his eyes, blinking, confused, tried. He wondered why he had fallen asleep on the couch and he wondered why he was crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOF the feels XD  
> Thanks for reading everyone, next chapter should be up next week :D


	20. Puzzled Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your wonderful comments and for continuing to read this :D  
> Hopefully this will help some of the FEELS from last chapter <3 Oh and if this reads kind of jumbled and such, it's meant too ;)

**We were meant to live for so much more  
Have we lost ourselves?  
Somewhere we live inside, Somewhere we live inside**

“I’m so sorry.”

They had stopped counting how many times he had tried to apologize to them. It was slightly frustrating because it wasn’t like it had been on purpose or was even his fault at all. Getting sick wasn’t quite something one could control, especially getting this sick.

“Dude, please stop apologizing it’s not like you thought, oh you know what I’m going to contract a deadly virus right before worlds and almost die just to annoy my friends.” Vincent rolled his eyes. “It’s fine, worlds are just cancelled for NA it seems.”

“Wait, what happened to the other teams, surely C9 didn’t lose play-ins?”

“No, no they won play-ins, it’s their mid-laner that they lost.”

Soren could tell by the tone in Peter’s voice that this was no joke. “What the hell, how?”

“So, after they won play-in’s, he was offered a spot on this academy team here – it took it and just left, no goodbyes, no saying thanks, no waiting until after world, just fucking left them out to dry, they are in complete shock.”

“Holy fuck, I mean, I never really liked the guy, but he was a good player, you can’t deny that.” Soren shook his head. “They’re not continuing with Ray in mid-lane or something.”

“Nah, I think they just wanted to go home, the other team got put through instead, they bowed out.”

“Are, are we going to?”

“Of course, not going on without you mate.”

Soren sighed, leaning back against the bed. What a disaster. “Fuck, I am so sorry.”

“Stop apologising!”

**x-x-x**

“Damn, this has been such a waste of time.” Andy’s voice echoed around the hotel room as they all moved in, packed and ready to jump on the plane they had booked last minute. “I feel like I’ve run a marathon and gotten beaten up and it’s just so damn…”

“Depressing?” Juan commented, the jungler shaking his head. “Well, it gives you guys time to rebuild from scratch, make a new team, people that wont ditch at the most important time.”

“Wait, why did you say ‘you guys’ and not ‘us’.” Andy narrowed his eyes at the young jungler. “Have you, been getting any other offers?”

Juan swallowed. “M-maybe, but it’s not like, I would have jumped ship like this, but I… I have some thinking to do.”

Andy just stood in shook, shaking his head, so many people were leaving. Juan he would miss, their mid-laner not so much. Jace had kind of been an asshole, and creepy, really, really creepy.”

“You’re a great player Juan, it can’t be helped if you get offers, you should really consider taking any that give you a good shot – you deserve it.”

“Thanks Andes.” At this point the coaching stuff entered the lounge along with Jack and the two fell silent, Juan looking super bashful. “Well, I guess we are all here now… wait, we’re missing a Zach.”

“I – I’m coming.” Zach shuffled his way into the room sniffing and wiping his eyes. “I’m sorry fuck, I just really, really upset for some strange reason and I can’t stop…”He shuddered, “I can’t stop blubbering.”

“Aw, come on Sneaks, Jace isn’t worth this.”

“That – that bastard, no, of course not, not him, I just I… miss someone, someone else, like I’m lost… I can’t explain it.” He sniffed again, his hand moving around to fiddle with a silver chain around his neck, a ring glistening, Zach seemed to calm down when he touched it. “I don’t know, I didn’t sleep well last night and my head hurts and I feel like hell.”

“Hopefully home will help with that?”

Zach pouted slightly. “I hope so too.”

“Zach?”

“Hmm?”

“Where did you get the ring, the one you are holding?”

“I – I don’t know, a gift maybe, I can’t remember but I know it’s important.”

“Oh?”

“When I hold it, I don’t feel so sad.”

“That’s… nice.”

“It’s fucking confusing but I will take it.”

**x-x-x**

He couldn’t sleep, which was surprising as he could always sleep on planes, it was something that they had all been jealous of, but this time, this time he just couldn’t sleep – there was too much on his mind, too much fear, too much uncertainty. He didn’t even want to know what he was getting himself into, but it was his only choice. He would hate himself forever if he didn’t take the small, tiny opportunity that someone remembered him…

Sighing he leaned back into the seat, looking out the window and smiling at the familiar scene. He had taken this route so many times in the last three years he could almost figure out how long he had left to sit here in torture, in thinking, in wonder.

How was he still alive, why had he not just disappeared, why did he remember everything?

Waking up in the hospital had been confusing – with only his younger sister looking over him, a smile on her face that completely lit up his world, tears streaming down her face as she gripped his hand. _“Big brother! You’re awake, you’re okay, I knew it – I knew you would wake up, I knew you were strong enough.”_

She had then told him, told him that the past three years had been a lie to him, that yes, his parents had tried to kill him, had tried to complete everything as soon as he was about to leave home, as soon as he tried to escape. But it hadn’t worked, it hadn’t stuck, somehow, somehow, he had survived this time, sometime he had been given a second chance.

_“Are you going to go and find them, the people that remember you – the people from your memories?”_

The last three years were a vague fog of people and places, every minute that went by something else faded, something blurred and lost its colour. Every second that passed names became nothing but faces, and faces became nothing but blurs, or people with their backs turned.

He wouldn’t allow it. He didn’t understand it all fully yet and he had made his peace, his thoughts of it all leading to being forgotten, but now he got a second chance. And he wouldn’t allow himself to be forgotten.

Jensen owned it to himself, his friends, his team, his family.

**x-x-x**

Zach collapsed on his bed, letting out a deep sigh into the pillow. All he wanted to do was sleep, even though he had passed out on the plane, from what the team was saying was some kind of exhaustion. He didn’t feel rested, more than anything, for some strange reason, being back in the c9 house, he felt more tired, more exhausted, even more emotional than he had been back at that hotel.

With another deep sigh he rolled over, lying on his back and staring at the ceiling, he pulled the silver chain up to his eye line, rolling the ring around in his fingers and trying to remember more than the fact that it was too important to him to leave behind, or even to take off. It was connected to someone he cared about, someone he loved even. He slipped it on his finger, shaking slightly as it fitted perfectly, his whole-body tensing at the sight of it. It looked right, it felt right – it was beautiful.

“Right, this is mine then… I thought it might be someone else’s…” Sneaky mused as he moved his hand in the light, watching as it got caught, sending bright shadows across his room. “Someone, gave this to me, someone… that cared about me?”

“Hey Sneaks?” There was a light knock on the door and Andy poked his head through. “We’re ordering some food and maybe some strong drinks? You in?”

“Yeah I’ll be right through, give me two secs.” Zach shifted on the bed, sitting up and moving to the side of the bed. He inhaled deeply, before removing the chain from the ring, keeping it on his finger. Where it belonged, where he knew it would belong. Something caught his eye as he pulled himself to his feet, the ring catching the light and glinting off something in his room. And oriental photo-frame, empty, was sitting on his bookcase, surrounded by other frames, some with pics of the team, some that were empty, like sitting ready for images, like he hadn’t been bothered.

“Or like something should be there, but isn’t…”

With a shake of his head, Zach made his way out into the lounge to where his team were all gathered. Yes, he wanted to rest, his head hurt and he felt like he could fall over at any second. But right now, more than anything he wanted to be with his team. He didn’t know why but spending time with those he cared about was important right now, it would help.

He froze when he walked into the lounge, a scream running through his head and his eyes widening.

“Ah… ah guys.”

“Mmm?”

“Anyone else going to mention the, ah, wings…”

Zach was super glad that the others noticed it, it helped to see that he wasn’t going crazy and seeing things. He did not want to add ‘seeing blurs of black angel wings in the air’ to the list of things that his mind was doing to him. Zach reached up and touched it, causing the ethereal wings to collapse, covering him in feathers.

“Ah – what the fuck?”

Zach just stared at the feathers that were now on the floor, they flickered in and out, like tricks of light with shadows. Shaking slightly, he bent down to pick one up and flinched as the one that re reached out to become solid. Something in him screamed in terror, telling him to drop it and run, another part loved it, staring at the colours and the way that it moved.

“Zach, what the hell-“

“He loved me….”

“What, who….”

“I don’t know, I don’t remember but he loved me.”

The team stared at him for the moment, the feather in his hand, the ring glinting on his finger. They stared and the silence seemed to stretch and stretch on forever. It was Juan that broke it, his voice cracking slightly.

“Okay, what the fuck, happened in China?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, please leave a comment.


	21. Disappearing Ink

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the wonderful comments! I am so humbled that you are all still here reading my little creation :D  
> Hope you like this chapter :D

**'Cause we go where we wanna but that won't be tonight  
To see the edges fade between the light and shade  
And we're chasing down forever**

It had been a whole week since the whole “feathers” incident in the lounge and they had made no progress and still had no idea what was going on. The large black feather sat on the living room table, kept safe in a clear glad container. Every time someone walked passed it, they would open the container and carefully touch the feather, almost as if cheeking if it was still there.

Slowly the house became quieter staff leaving to see their families for the holidays, the team stayed together, not wanting to leave each other so soon after everything that had happened.

“A party, Jack are you serious?” Andy blinked. “You do realize how strained we are right?”

“I know, but this will be good for you, besides, TSM have recently got back home, I know you’ve all been worried about them. And besides, I want you to meet some potential new teammates, this will be a good way to do. And come on, you need some fun.”

“New, teammates?” Zach questioned with narrowed eyes towards the c9 owner. “For Jace?”

“Hmm, and others, so in a way – it will also kind of be a farewell.”

“So Juan did get an offer, good on him, I will miss him but he deserves to be recognized.” Andy smiled slightly. “We can’t hold that against him. He’s not like Jace, he didn’t abandon us when we needed it.”

Zach nodded in agreement, putting in the back of his mind that he needed to talk to the jungler later on to congratulate him. “I guess, I guess a party would be nice.” He fidgeted with the ring on his finger, who knew? Maybe he will meet the man he had be dreaming about all week?

**x-x-x**

His whole body shook as he read the email through again and again. It was like he was sitting back in his room in Denmark those three years ago, excitement filling him and the chance that he was being offered. An invitation, to the c9 house, to met the team, the staff, for a possible position.

Staring at the words of email that was signed by Jack Jensen wondered if someone actually remembered him, if someone actually had glimpses of him in memories like he had been of them. He wanted to go, he desperately wanted to see his family but he didn’t think he could cope with them looking him in the eyes and not knowing who he was.

Shaking, his mind screaming, Jensen began typing back a reply, he couldn’t let this opportunity pass him by. Even if it broke his heart, he had to see them. He had to take the chance that he had a right to one more miracle. Breathing deeply, he pressed send on the email, gripping the chair tightly as he watched it load out.

It was gone, there was nothing he could do about it know. With a sigh he got to his feet and made his way into the bathroom of the small motel he was staying at, turning on the light and staring at himself in the mirror.

He ran a hand across his collarbone, smudging the words that were written there. What once was a scar, was now just ink – black smudged across his skin, he let the water in the sink run, washing the ink off his hands and watching as the white porcelain was stained the black.

The scars were nothing but ink now, the pain nothing but a dull memory a nightmare.

Jensen closed his eyes as he turned on the shower, letting the water run, waiting for it to warm up before stepping under it. He flinched and the temperature at first, the water scolding his back, but soon he got use to it, even enjoying the feeling of it on his skin.

Opening his eyes, he looked down, the water running black off his skin, endless midnight circled the drain. Jensen suddenly found himself holding back tears, three years he had lived with wings and now they were disappearing. It was both a great and a horrid feeling – what exactly was he without them?

He had left them as something not of his world, as a monster, as someone with secrets and scars…. And he would return as just him, simple Jensen. Someone who wanted to love without fear of breaking it, someone who wanted to be a part of a family without leaving it.

Jensen let the tears fall, mixing with the water and ink, staining his skin and swirling down the drain.

**x-x-x**

“Hey, welcome to what could be your new home.”

“Haha, very funny – roster changes leaked?” Dennis grinned at Andy, who lead him into the house. “How are you all doing anyway?”

“Fine, I mean I think we are all still reeling a bit, if we’re being honest.”

“Yeah, someone just leaving like that.”

“No, I mean the infamous feather incident.”

“Feather?”

“Yeah, pretty sure we’re all going insane, come on – everyone else is already out back, Reapered brought us all new pool floaties.”

Dennis couldn’t help but chuckled at this. “Why does that not surprise me?”

He followed Zach out into the pool, where everyone else had already gathered waving at his team mates, no ex-team mates, as he did so. It was going to take awhile to get used to do that. He took the offered drink from Andy and placed himself next to the uncomfortable looking kid who seemed somewhat out of place.

There was a high chance that they would be team mates soon, might as well get to know him. He offered out a hand. “Dennis, nice to meet you.”

“Oh yeah, like you need an introduction.” He took the offered hand with a chuckle. “Eric.”

“Welcome to the LCS scene.”

“Yeah, looks great.” They both continued to converse, scanning the party and talking about people as they went. “I really hope I get this chance, working with these guys, being trusted.” Eric shook his head, a small smile on his face. “And you know, the curious part of me just can’t help but wonder if the rumours are true.”

“Rumours?”

“Mmmhmm.”

Tracing Eric’s eyes, Dennis wondered who he was talking about. His eyes were focused on Jack and Zach, who were talking to someone that Dennis who so damn sure he recognized but couldn’t put his finger on it. He looked uncomfortable, but at the same time, like he belonged here all along.

“So, you’re from Denmark?”

“Mmmhmm, I’ve only just been here a few days before I got your invite.”

“What are mid-laners just breed over there or something?”

Jensen laughed at this but his heart also pinged. It was the exact same joke Zach had made when they first meet. When he had first fallen in love with that smile. “Maybe we just have good examples to look to.”

“Well, Bjerg should be here somewhere, if you want to fan-boy over him, though he’s pretty hard to talk to seeming everyone wanting to check if he’s okay.”

Jensen nodded, muttering. “It’s good to see him awake.”

“Huh.”

“Nothing.”

“Well, I don’t know if it’s too early to presume.”

“It’s not.” Jack cut in with a grin.

Zach laughed, holding out his hand. “Welcome to the team.”

Jensen resisted the very, very strong urge to push the hand aside and smother Zach in a hug. His whole body shook and began to shake as he took his hand, “thank you.”

Zach’s whole body tensed and he flinched at the touch.

_“Zach what are you doing?”_

_“Hugging you.”_

_“Yes, I can see that but why here and now?”_

_“I miss you.”_

_Jensen blinked, shifting slightly in the hug to better look at Zach. “We just plays a game, a best of five no less, on stage together, how can you miss me?”_

_“I miss the happy you.”_

_Jensen sighed at this, engulfing himself in the hug he couldn’t urge with that._

“Zach, Zachary are you okay?”

Zach blinked, slowly removing his hand from the shake. “Do I, do I know you?”

Jensen froze in shock, no nope he hadn’t prepared for this, he hadn’t thought this was possible. “I….” he stopped and the sudden glint of silver on Zach’s hand, the ring, he was wearing his ring? “I, I should go, I really should…” His voice trailed off, as, if by instinct, he reached out and ran a finger over the ring on Zach’s finger.

Zach flinched again and Jensen quickly pulled away. “Sorry, I shouldn’t…”

He turned to leave but Zach wanted to stop him. “Wait – please…” Grabbing Jensen’s shoulder his whole body tensed again, his head hurt, his heart hurt.

_“Right you monkey’s, I have an important announcement to make.” Zach strode purposefully in the room, a determined look in his eyes._

_“Ooo, this will be good, are you going to promise to stop feeding Sneaks?”_

_Zach just rolled his eyes at Andy’s comment and continued to move further into the room, stopping in front of Jensen. “Yeeeesen?”_

_“Hmm?” Zach grinned, grabbing him by the hand and pulling him to his feet. “Zach, what?”_

_“I, think we need to stop pretending.” And without saying anything, it the whole team, he kissed him right then and there, smack on the lips, right in front of the whole team. His whole heart exploded, his vision swarm, his mind whirled. This, this was perfect, this was right._

“Fuck.” Zach stumbled slightly, placing a hand on his head and closing his eyes. This was not normal, this was certainly not the fruit time. “Apparently not the first time” Zach opened his eyes and blinked when he realized Jensen was gone, no longer standing in front of him. “Wait, what?”

He scanned the crowds but his new (old?) team-mate was nowhere to be seen.

**x-x-x**

“Stupid, you’re so fucking stupid you shouldn’t have come, you shouldn’t have let your feelings get to you, so damn fucking stupid – I have to get out, I can’t stand, can’t breathe…”

“Hey are you alright?”

Fuck, this was exactly the situation he did not want to be in night now. Jensen sighed, turning towards the voice and found himself face to face with Soren. No scars, no blood, no pain. It seemed like his life was a little better when he wasn’t in it.

“I’m, I’m fine, thanks for asking I just. Coming here was a mistake?”

“Really? C9 having a mid-laner that can literally win any lane match up and get teams to groan when they let Orianna through seems to be a pretty good thing in my eyes.” He blinked, confused at his own words. “I don’t know why I know that.” Soren narrowed his eyes, “We haven’t played versus each other, right? Back in EU, solo queue? I have very distinctive memories of you being really good at destroying my KDA.”

“And your life, it seems.”

“What?”

“Nothing, I, I’m just glad to see that you are okay – out of hospital, looking well.”

“Thanks, not sure what happened to be honest, but glad to be out of it.” Soren narrowed his eyes at the soon to be C9 mid-laner in front of him (and seriously, why did that feel so natural to say?), he seemed down, lost, hopeless. “Are you, are you sure you are okay?”

“I think I just need some fresh air.”

“It did just pouring down with rain a few moments ago, outside might not quite be the right thing at the moment.”

“Well, it will wash away the rest of the ink.” Jensen muttered under his breath, breathing out deeply. “I’m sorry to disturb you with my ramblings, I should go.”

“Wait!” Soren made a move to stop Jensen from walking away and when he did his head suddenly spun, along with the room. Everything suddenly went cold and a pain, so deep in his chest, crashing into him.

_“I didn’t really realize how much I missed talking to you until it happened.” Soren sighed, giving Jensen a small smile from across the table. “I – I really, really appreciate your friendship and I’m glad you could trust me with that.”_

_“Trust is certainly something I can trust you with Soren and I… I missed you too, just everything. I tried to keep you all out, I tried to stop this from happening… and now I couldn’t quite believe what I would do if you weren’t all here.”_

_“Nicolaj?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“You know, now matter what happens, I’m here right?”_

_“Yeah, I know, I hate it.” Jensen made a face and Soren chuckled, “But I know.”_

_“Good, all I want to do, is make sure you’re okay.”_

_“Huh, I don’t think I’ve been okay in a very long time.”_

_Soren just shook his head at this, moving across the table and sitting down right next to Jensen, sitting as close as possible to him and pressing his body into him. “I know, I know, and I am so sorry.”_

“Hey, hello Bjerg, Bjerg can you hear me – are you okay?”

“I… Nicolaj, maybe I should be asking you that question.”

Jensen’s heart stopped, but he tried to brush it off. “Hey now, first name basis at day one, shouldn’t we get to know each other a little bit more before that.”

“Well then, why do I have the feeling that I already know you well enough.”

No. no he had to get out of here, he had to leave them all alone. “I, no, no I am sorry, I care for you so much but I can’t do this – not to anyone and especially not to you.”

Jensen quickly got to his feet, ignoring Soren’s call of his name behind him as he made his way out of the house and into the pouring rain.

**x-x-x**

He found him outside, sitting under one of the trees in the front lawn, back against the bark, shivering as the rain burst through the leaves and soaked him head to toe. He hated seeing him like this but he was also thankful that he hadn’t decided to fully leave.

“Okay, why don’t you come back inside and we can get you all dried off and warm.”

“I don’t think this is going to work out, I thought I wanted this but it’s just too hard. I don’t even know why you invited me here, how you even…”

“Why? I was trying… I was trying to rebuild this family.”

Jensen laughed, “I don’t think I have the right to call it that.”

“Oh I don’t know.” A large jacket was placed over his shoulders, warming him slightly. “Putting up with those idiots for three years entitles you to call them anything you want.”

Jensen froze, blinking, he pulled the jacket closer to him and looked up at Jack, “What? How, how do you?”

He sighed, tiredness showing through his eyes. “I watched, I watched you die and then I watched you come back and then leave again. And then I had to watch as your disappearing act caused this family to completely tear itself a part.”

Jensen’s whole body shook, but this time it was not from the rain. “I don’t understand, you remember me?”

“The damn moment when everyone woe kip and had suddenly forgotten who you were scared me like nothing else, but the ring was still there and, as you may have realized their memories are still there.”

He was still in shock, having no idea out of all people. “I don’t understand?”

“Maybe we should just get our of this rain, get back in there and start again tomorrow?”

“You think it’s a good idea I stay here? I’m not, not part of their lives anymore.”

“Don’t you dare say that Nicolaj, you are family, you are cared about here, please, I hate asking this of you but please, be strong.”

“Strong, I never was…”

“That is another lie, because you are the strongest of us all, after all the shit you’ve been through.”

Tears were streaming down his face now, mixing with the rain. “I… Jack, I…”

“I’m here.”

Sobbing. Jensen threw himself at Jack, wrapping his arms around him and crying into his embrace. Gripping him as tightly as possible. After a few minutes, while still clinging tightly to him, Jensen let Jack silently lead him back into the house, doing his best to keep him away from the party and prying eyes.

“Well, you can just warm up and rest in here, everything is just how you left it.”

“Really, everything?”

“Yeah, everyone just keeps walking past the door like it’s not even there.” Jack shrugged, “Magic and mumbo jumbo.”. Okay, rest up and I’ll announce it officially to everyone that your on the team tomorrow and then we can start rebuilding.”

Jensen breathed out deeply. “It will be slow, but I guess I can do it, I’ll try my best.”

Jack nodded, giving him one final hug before turning to leave. He stopped, as if remembering something. “Oh, I wanted to just – long overdue apology.”

“What?”

“That day, when you came back from spreading tome with you parents, I noticed you weren’t exactly yourself and was about to check on you when I got an emergency call, so I sent Jace in to cheek on you instead. I keep thinking, that if I had just put off my own life for a moment things might have been different, so I wanted to say I’m sorry.”

Jensen just wordlessly nodded, his mind whirling. As he watched Jack walk away he leaned against the door and everything feel into place in a shocking revelation. It was supposed to be him, no wonder he remembered everything, no wonder he didn’t forget. 

Jack was a robbed pillar, fate has intervened and stopped him from becoming one.

“Holly shit, magic, magic and mumbo jumbo.”

Shaking he walked into his room, exactly how he had left it and decided to get warm by drenching himself in hot water instead of the cold that was dripping down his skin. There was no black swirling in the drain this time, no ink coming off his back.

There was none left. The scars of his previous life were gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more to go! :O  
> I hope you all liked this one final little twist, we get our happy ending in the final chapter, up soon!


	22. Pillar of Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my Gosh it's here T_T. This has been such a long journey and such a wonderful one to take with you all, thank you so much to those of you that have stuck with me, that have read this all the way through and have left me so many wonderful comments. I almost feel sad to see this story go, it's been such a joy to write :D
> 
> Your final chapter is just shy of 5,00 words! Has a few little cameos from people and hopefully, an ending that you can all take and make your own. <3

**We've got a long way to go but we got the energy, It took a little while to find reality  
We've come a long way you know, living inside a dream  
Waking to find that we are kings and queens**

“Can I ask you something?”

The question came out of the blue, but really Jensen didn’t mind at all, it was nice to talk to someone, nice to not have that horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach as someone didn’t recognize him. “Yeah, sure, go ahead.”

“I just thought, and this could just be me, but it seems like the team don’t actually know how you are… and that’s just… how?” Eric’s confusion was obviously written on his face, the whole situation was so laughable that Jensen couldn’t help but do just that – laugh.

It had been just over a week since the party, since the awkward conversations and since finding out about Jack. Jensen, Dennis and Eric had been confirmed to be the team on the inside but no formal announcement had been made yet. Jensen was seeing this as a good thing because upon further inspection he hadn’t just disappeared off the face of the earth. The world remembered him, it was those closest to him, those that had walked the journey with him that had forgotten.

It was ironic, and so, so cruel.

“Ah yeah, well.” Jensen shuffled on his feet, he liked Eric, the rookie toplaner was super shy and quiet, and perceptive, very, perceptive. “You’re right, they kind of don’t know, not really, not fully.”

Eric narrowed his eyes. “How, how is that even possible – what the fuck happened in China?”

Jensen chuckled, his eyes travelling to the table, the feather, on of his feathers, in the glass case. “It’s a very, very long story.” He moved over towards the table and opened the case. The feather floated, floated, out of the case and landed on his hand. He turned to see Eric staring at him in complete shock. “Do you want to hear it?”

His eyes moved from Jensen to the feather and quickly back again. One week, one week he had been with this team and things were already off the rails wacky. But he could see it, the hurt in Jensen’s eyes, the deflation every time someone seemed to not know who he was.

“If you’re up for it?” 

Jensen nodded, moving over to sit down next to Eric, he moved the feather around in his hands, not even needing to touch it. “Yeah, it will be nice to talk to someone about it, someone he wasn’t there, who could have an outside view.

Jensen took a deep breath and started talking, explaining everything from start, doing his best to remember everything, picturing everything in his head. He talked and talked, until he couldn’t talk no more, until his voice was raw and cracked.

Eric listened, shocked, astonished, in complete awe of what he was hearing. When the tale was done, Jensen’s eyes were damped with tears and Eric had somehow, he didn’t know when, grasped Jensen’s hand so tightly he could barley feel it anymore. Jensen’s eyes were downcast and his whole body shook.

In the silence, Eric, hesitant at first, moved a little closer and wrapped Jensen up in a hug, not saying anything, hoping that no words were needed. Jensen’s body stopped shaking as they stayed like that, all night, until they both fell asleep right there.

**x-x-x**

“All I’m saying,” Andy held the door open for his coach and team owner, back after going out to dinner together. “Is I think it’s uncanny that you found a mid-laner who already has ridiculous synergy with the team.”

Jack just chuckled at this, “And I’m just saying, maybe there’s a reason why you all think you know him.”

Andy just sighed at this, he was beginning to feel a bit frustration at this, he knew he had memories, perfect memories of Jensen, but he couldn’t place them – and they made no sense. Walking into the lounge they turned on the lights, earning a sleepy, annoyed mutter from the couch.

“Ugh, how adorable.” The sight of Eric and Jensen wrapped in each other, somehow both fitting on the small couch brought the biggest grin to Andy’s face. “I’ll just, make them more comfortable.” Bidding farewell to Jack and Reapered Andy quickly acquired a large blanket and went to place it over his team mates and “tuck them in”.

It was when his hand brushed against Jensen’s wrist that the flash of memory hit him. It was like getting whiplash, if felt as if something solid had hit him in the chest and he found himself falling backwards as the memory played out in his head.

_“Ugh, you are a lifesaver Andes.” Jensen took the covered hot water bottle from the support snuggling it for a time before placing it under the covers. “That is so nice.” He grinned snuffling into the large pile of blankets that Andy had buried him in. A small shiver crossed his body, he was somehow still cold. “I hate it when I get sick like this, but it’s nice also cause I have awesome people like you.”_

_Andy just shook his head at this. “Well I hate it when you get like this too. If I recall, last time you almost died?”_

_Jensen laughed, covering himself even more with the blankets. “Yeah well, that’s because I didn’t tell anymore I was sick, I learnt my lesson from that.” He shivered again hugging his hot water bottle and looking up and Andy again. “Not that I could pull something like that again with you watching me a like a hawk ever since.”_

_“Can’t be too careful,” He ruffled Jensen’s hair, grinning at the pout this earned him. He knew more than anything when Jensen was in this state it was the only, only time he could get away with it. “Are you good, you don’t need me to get you anything else?”_

_Jensen shook his head against the covers of the blanket. “I’m good, I think I should just get some rest.”_

_“Yeah, I’ll come wake you for dinner?”_

_“Kay.”_

_Andy just grinned, watching Jensen sink into the blankets, “Get some rest Nicolaj, I’ve got you.”_

He was pulled out of the memory with a sudden shock, his mind reeling with the images. Getting back to his feet he reached out a hand again and breathed out deeply, running a hand through Jensen’s hair like he had in the memory. It seemed like such a normal thing for him, like he had done it a million times before. Andy didn’t realize it through this small thing, his mind was slowly knitting things back together.

“Ah well, sleep well – Eric, Nicolaj.”

**x-x-x**

“I think the mid-lane meta is at pretty supportive place at the moment.” Jensen barley looked up from his notes as he talked, tapping the pen on the table as he mused everything over. “Now, normally I wouldn’t quite play such things, but I can adjust, just got to brush up on certain champs.”

“No 1v9’s with LeBlanc for you.” Was the chuckle from Reapered, engaged in his own notes. “Not that you TPing in to one shot carry’s want a joy to watch.”

Jensen’s pen stopped tapping and he tore his eyes away from his notes to stare at Reapered. “Oh, you remember that game.”

“With all the shit you’ve put me through the last few years.” Reapered hadn’t even looked up yet. “Of course, I remember you, you monkey.”

Jensen just blinked, leaning back in the seat, a grin on his face. It was so very Reapered and he would take it.

“Yo Jensen?”

His head turned towards Eric who was walking in with his own piles of paper. Jensen’s smiled widened at the sight. Even since the two of them had talked and fallen asleep on the couch those few days ago they were beginning to become fast friends. “What’s up?”

“How clean is your Galio, I’m just imagining, bring on the Kled, ult in to a team fight, boom right on top.”

“Could be worth a try, coach?”

“Mmm, as long as you practice it, after all you’re never played Galio on stage Mister KDA carry.”

“Come on, one time, I’ve played him on stage once.”

“One time, in a play in stage against after not being with the team, for a whole week doesn’t count Nicolaj.”

“Wait he…?”

“Nah, give it some time – so permission to go and practice said combo right now?”

“Go ahead.”

The two of them left the couch to his own thoughts, heading to the scrim room and loading up a practice game. They were well into the second game when Reapered came barrelling through the door. “Holy fuck!”

“Hi.” Jensen commented with a grin.

“Don’t you fucking Hi me, ugh.” He stormed up to Jensen and wrapped his arms around the blondes’ shoulders, breathing deeply as Jensen chuckled. “Hello.” Letting go of Jensen’s shoulders he blinked and looked at the screen. “The wombo working?”

“It is against bots, can’t say if it will against the best LCS has to offer.”

“Mmm,” Reapered looked thoughtful for a moment. “We will have to try it out in few scrims, once or twice.”

“Alright, thanks coach.”

“Nicolaj?”

“Mmmm?” Jensen could count on both hands how many times Reapered had called him by his first name. Normally it was to yell at him, but this time it held a tone of lightness to it.

“I am, glad that you found us again.”

“This is my family, I belong here.”

“Good.” Reapered nodded, walking out of the room as he did so, leaving Jensen and Eric to their practice.

“Are you all going to have big realizations like that?”

“I hope not, I don’t think my heart could take it.”

“Well you better prepare yourself, we’re meting all the teams on Monday, remember?”

“Fuck, yeah I forgot about that… ooo the whole of TSM will be there, fuck Soren is going to kill me.”

**x-x-x**

He didn’t know if he could do this, already this morning Dennis had approached him saying he remembered everything. There had been tears and apologizes and hugs. Jensen was already emotionally drained, yet here he was, amongst the whole of LCS, ready to get remembered left, right and centre, and probably confuse the heck out of Zach, who, cruelly, still wasn’t too sure who he was.

“It seems so wrong.” Zach commented from his side, sounding nervous, “To be walking beside you an not holding your hand, which is stupid, because you know I barley know you.”

“Do you?” Jensen questioned, his heart beating a few beats faster. He took up Zach’s hand tensed up first before relaxing slightly. “Feels perfect to me.”

“Ugh, please stop it with the PDA dudes, us lowly singles can’t take it.”

Jensen jumped slightly at the voice and really, really, how the fuck had this whole thing happened, how had Zach gone though this whole thing without his best friend?

“Will!” Zach’s face brightened with a large smile. “I’ve been so busy with… things, I never got a chance to congratulate you for being on a team!”

“Yeah get ready to get camped.”

Zach pouted at this, before suddenly realizing that Jensen was still standing beside him. “Oh, you might want to camp this guy instead, otherwise I’m pretty sure he’ll just carry our asses.” He let go of Jensen’s hand to point to each of them. “Will, Jensen, Jensen Will – he’s an idiot but you’ll grow to love him.”

“Zach…” Jensen blushed at this, wondering who Will was about to react, by the confused look on his face it wasn’t going to be normal.

“Zach, you monkey, why did you just… introduce me to some one I’ve known for three years and had to deal with plating alongside… as if I have no idea who this idiot is?”

“I, ah…” Zach blushed and ran a hand through his hair, the light glinting off the silver band on his ring finger. “I’ve been having a little trouble…”

“Oh… or is it something to do with this.” Will moved forward, taking Zach’s hand and inspecting the ring. “You asked my best friend to marry you without even asking my permission, I’m hurt.”

Jensen couldn’t help but chuckle, this was nice, this was good, banter with Will was the normality he needed. “You don’t own me Hartman, and what are you going to do about it?”

“How about throw the biggest bachelor party ever – that you won’t be invited to!”

“And now you are presuming best man duties, Sir, how dare you.”

Will just chuckled at this, having a good laugh. “Seriously though. Ah. Congrats.” His eyes moved to Zach, who looked like a deer caught in headlights. “Zach, are you okay?”

“I, no, no I have to go.” He stuttered his way through the words before running off, pushing his way past people to blend into the crowd.

“What in the world was that about?”

“I think it just sunk in.”

“You think that would have happened when you asked.”

“I didn’t ask Will,” Jensen used the first name to emphasise his point, knowing it will get Will’s full attention. “The ring, it kind of fell out of my pocket and Zach joked about putting it on and I… Told him I wished I was brave enough, and then he did it, to state he wasn’t going anywhere.”

Will had picked up on the shake in his voice, the way it wavered in and out. “Why, why would he go anywhere?”

Jensen just shook his head. “China was a little… rough. Anyway, I should go and see if he’s alright, I’ll see you around. And really, congrats on being on a team, you are a great player Will, we may not have gotten along or had play styles that were compatible, but that doesn’t take your skill away.”

He offered a small smile to the now very confused Will before disappearing into the crowd.

Will stood frozen, confused, shocked. “Right… right back at you.”

**x-x-x**

Jensen couldn’t find Zach again, which was starting to worry him, he hoped all the talk about the engagement hadn’t scared him off completely. It had been nice, but weird, the last few weeks, it was like becoming friends with Zach all over again, but it had happened at a speed that was almost ridiculous it had been so natural and real.

He had been holding back urges to kiss him, to hug him, to sneak into his room at small hours of the morning after he had woke from nightmares. He just had to be patient, the day would come, hopefully some, but it would and that day he will rejoice.

“There he is!”

He spun around quickly, eyes widening at the sight that greeted him. Soren and Kevin were making their way over to him with purpose. Well, here it comes, time for an emotional break down.

“Hey, hey guys, great party huh?”

“Don’t give me that shit. You’ve never liked these things.”

“Oh really, how would you know?”

“Don’t give me that shit either, there’s a black feather sitting on the lounge table back in the house and every time I see it I want to scream.” Kevin was glaring at him full force, “You… you… disappeared from all our memories.”

“That was part of what was supposed to happen, yes.”

“And now you are back and we’re all remembering.”

“That… was never part of it, I don’t know why it happened…”

Kevin breathed out deeply, wanting to say something, nothing came out but it was Soren’s voice that cut through. Tearing through Jensen with every word. “I… I was in the hospital?”

“Soren, I…”

“They thought you were just sad because of what had happened, not because what was about to.”

“You were never supposed to get hurt I am so sorry…”

“Hurt? Hurt!” Soren’s voice cracked, “Scars I can live with, pain I can live with but what you did… I didn’t get a chance to…”

“There was no other way.”

“How dare you say goodbye to me while I was unconscious!” His pained words echoed around Jensen’s heart, cutting with every second. “How dare! How dare you say you love me and then just, just leave… I asked you to stay and you left!”

Jensen gasped slightly at this, he remembered every second of that goodbye, every word he said, the words Soren had whispered to him when he left. “You, you heard me, you remember me and you… heard everything?”

There were tears forming in Soren’s eyes as this point, his whole body beginning to shake. “Every fucking word you idiot.”

The emotional breakdown was on the edge, the verge of cracking. But Jensen had to know one thing, one thing that had been destroying him. _“Brother?”_

Soren nodded, reaching out and flinging his arms around Jensen in a hug. _“Yes, brother.”_ He squeezed Jensen tightly and sighed in relief as he squeezed back. “I love you too, please don’t ever, ever do that to me, to us again.”

“I’m back, I promise.”

**x-x-x**

He breathed the cool air into his lings and shivered slightly, breathing out and watching his own breath disappear into the sky. Damn, he would have to get used to these earlier starts, best of ones? Surely because of less games were being played they could start later but no, earlier it was. Damn EU times for having to match up to theirs.

“You alright there Yensen?”

Andy’s hand on his shoulder was, as always, a comfort. “Yeah, ask me after my first cup of coffee.”

Andy laughed at this, patting him on the back slightly. “Typical, come on, everyone else is already inside.”

It had been a very tiring few weeks for Jensen, not only had those that had been in China with him in TSM and Immortals come up to him and have a conversation and exclamation (Vincent had crushed him in a hug and Peter, in true fashion had yelled at him for ten minutes.). but two night ago Andy had burst into his room declaring he knew everything and demanding answers.

Scrims the next day had been difficult, the two of them having stayed up until the sun was out talking and reminiscing. Andy ahd assured him to keep his chin up, to be strong, it will happen eventually. Now it was only Zach that had broken memories of him, it didn’t help that he had been avoiding him since the LCS party.

But now they had their first official game together, now it was work, none of his emotions should get in the way. Jensen was glad that the upcoming games and maybe the season didn’t require too much synergy between him and Zach. It was a top lane meta, they just had to worry about their own lane and team fighting when needed. Luckily, they were not the first game of the game, they could relax and watch the other teams battling it out.

“Jensen?”

He turned, his eyes widening. Zach was talking to him, without being forced through comms. “Ah yeah?”

“Can I talk to you, for a moment – alone, I just wanted to clear something up before going on stage?”

“Ah yeah, yeah we have got some time, sure.”

Zach smiled softly before walking out of the waiting room, Jensen followed receiving confused but reassuring looks from his team-mates as he did so. He found Zach a few doors down, in a little our of the way alcove on the corridor. 

“What, what did you want to talk about?”

“I… I thought it would be best if you had this back.” He was holding out the ring to him, his ring, he ring he had given him, the ring that meant everything. Jensen’s heart cracked.

“What… Zach?”

“You, you gave this to someone you loved.”

“But you, I love you…”

“Do you really love someone who can’t remember you? Who seems to think that they just met you?”

“I, yes… I don’t care if it takes some time. Even if it takes three more years…”

“That’s my point, Jensen… if it does take that long, I don’t want to take that away from you. When you ask, or when I ask…”

“Zach.”

“Please, just take it.”

Jensen, shaking, walked up to Zach and slowly took the ring out of Zach’s outstretched hand. “This feels wrong.”

“I, I love you Jensen, I know it, somehow in my heart, in my head I know I belong to you, with you. But I…” Zach sighed, leaning forward he pressed his forehead against Jensen’s his hand intertwining with his. “But I want to feel it too, otherwise I’m lying to both of us.” He pulled away, but not before pressing a kiss on the side of this lips, “Please, just give me time.”

He left, leaving Jensen standing in shock, one hand pressed to the spot Zach had kissed him the other held tightly around the ring. Time, he had asked for time, had to pressed too hard, had he pushed him away? Biting his lip and holding back tears Jensen pocketed the ring and let his heart crack a little more.

He forced the pain to the back of his mind, he had a job to do, a game to win – he could cry later.

**x-x-x**

They were on a pretty big winning streak, which made all the emotions running around in his head so much easier to deal with. Everyone was n high spirits and the family feel of the team couldn’t be stronger. Jensen found himself forming strong friendships with Eric and Dennis, strengthening his one with Andy and Zach, Zach wasn’t ignoring him.

Zach… Jensen let him decide how far they went, what lines they crossed, and the AD seemed grateful for it. It was three weeks into the season, the whole team hanging out in the lounge one afternoon when Zach finally made the first move.

“Hey Nico?” Everyone froze at the use of the nickname, it was the first time they had heard it.

Jensen tried to reign in his response, “Yes?”

“Are you free this evening?”

“…. Yes?”

“Cool, there’s this new restaurant that just opened up down the road, wanna check it out with me?”

“Ah, yes, yes I, of course…. Ah Zach?”

“Mmm?”

“Did you just ask me out on a date?”

Zach, getting to his feet, paused for a moment, “Huh, yeah I guess I did.” He left the room, calling out over his shoulder. “I’ll be leaving at seven.”

Jensen just sat frozen, shocked, trying to hold back the scream of joy at what just happened. “Holly fuck…”

At seven that evening the two of them left the house together, Zac taking Jensen’s hand as they walked down the road. “Thanks for this, I know it must be weird for you, we’re kind of past the dating phase.”

“No. no it’s not weird at all, to be honest we didn’t really date much, not really the time with all the league.”

Zach nodded, before chuckling slightly, “I remember our first date.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah I was so damn nervous I ended up inviting the whole team.”

“Mmm, and one by one they all ditched us and we ended up alone eventually.”

“I was so mad at them.” Zach shook his head, “But in the end I had nothing to be nervous about, did I?”

“Nope, pretty sure I loved you from start, just had a hard time admitting it.”

“Love?”

“Yeah, does that bother you. I can stop saying it if you like.”

“No, it doesn’t bother me I just haven’t got any memories of it.”

Jensen’s heart pinged as Zach let go of his hand as they headed into the restaurant, “yeah, I’m pretty crappy at getting the guts up to say it.” But not anymore, no, if Zach was okay with it he would shout it from the rooftops and say it every day.

He wasn’t afraid it. Not now, not after everything they had gone through.

**x-x-x**

“Heck yeah, first place!”

“Good game my dudes.”

“Thanks for the carry Yensen.”

“Ah well, it was about time I pulled my weight this season.”

The end of game coms filtered through the mics after their hard-fought match with Echo Fox. They knew it was going to be a hard one, the two undefeated teams going at it. But after a well-executed team fight and a well-deserved Quadra kill the team came had come out on top. Frist place, not tied, not second, standing alone in first place, it felt awesome.

They all stood up to congratulate each other, the obligatory end of game huddle and hugs. This time was different and Zach didn’t really know what it was that caused the feeling but something inside him swelled and the next thing he knew, he had turned around, grabbed Jensen and kissed him, right on the mouth, right there on stage.

The crowd screamed, Jensen’s heart exploded and Zach blushed as he pulled away. “Sorry, sorry I don’t know what came over me it’s just…. You are so amazing, you know that yeah.”

“Yeah, well, you don’t have to apologize its just ah Zach, we weren’t actually officially. Official to the public? I’m pretty sure you’re were only out to your family…”

“Oh… oh.” Zach’s blush intensified and he waved with embarrassment to the cheering crowd. “Whoops?”

Jensen just chuckled taking his place to line up and shake hands with Echo Fox. H wasn’t complaining too much, Zach had initiated the kiss, that was something, he would take that, that was something he would cherish.

“Zach?”

“Mmm?”

“I love you.”

“Love you too Nico.”

**x-x-x**

“But what if he says no?”

Eric rolled his eyes, “Really Jensen, I’m pretty sure that is not even in the realm of possibilities.”

“But he gave it back, that was a possibility.”

“Yeah.” Dennis chimed in, from the seat on the far side, being able to overhear Jensen’s distress. “But that was before he fell in love with you and remembered everything. I mean normally I would say six weeks is a little early to be asking someone to marry them, but you guys are a special case.”

Jensen pouted, “I don’t know if he does remember everything, at least, he hasn’t said he does.”

“Hey, none of these matters, all that matters are you guys love each other and are both comfortable in that and, that you seemed to take a further step than you already had.” Eric grinned at him, “Not that I don’t think the community were under any false impressions that it didn’t happen, but at least now they have the confirmation.”

“Yes, well that was unexpected.”

Dennis snorted from the corner, “It was awesome, the crowds’ reactions, everyone’s faces, that ridiculous interview afterwards, pure comedic gold.”

“Still, what, what if he says no?”

“Then he’s an idiot.”

“Who’s an idiot?” Zach’s voice came into the room, followed by Zach himself, looking slight bemused.

Eric looked him up and down with a grin as he answered the question. “You. If you’re not careful.” He got up from his seat and made his way over to Dennis, dragging the jungler out of the room with him as Dennis tried his best to hold back laughter.

“What,” Zach laughed, nervous energy suddenly filling him. “What was that all about?”

“Ah, they’re just trying to be clever.” Jensen blushed, suddenly looking nervous himself. “Do you, have a minute, or a few – or an hour? Or even a few of those…”

Zach narrowed his eyes, “Don’t we have… team, stuff, I mean especially after a loss like that.”

“Nah, I talked to Reapered and Jack and they gave me this look that was all ‘not again’ but were fine with putting it off for an hour or two so…”

“So?”

“Would you like to come to dinner with me?”

Thirty minutes later they were walking into a very familiar restaurant.

“Wait, this is the same one… when last time…” Zach narrowed his eyes, mind whirling slightly. 

“Last time, last time we were here, you did all the work, you did everything… and it was an amazing memory it was… beautiful, but it was shadowed by a cloud over head… I wasn’t who I really should be… and I didn’t get to say the things I should have, in that moment – I love you, and you deserve more than what you got…”

“Nicolaj, thank you, thanks for this.” He leaned forward and pressed a kiss onto Jensen lips. “Thank you for letting me have this time. I love you and somehow, somewhere, I can feel that this is so right.”

Jensen shivered, “This is not too quick, is it?”

“Nah, I am ready to spend the rest of my life with you Nico.”

The smile on his face couldn’t be wider. After everything, after all he had gone through, at the end of all things, spending his whole life with Zach, side by side with the pillar that had got him through… he couldn’t ask for much more than that. Besides, if he had been given this second chance, this miracle, who was he to deny himself, to deny Zach, from that life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much once again, please let me know any final thoughts and if you have any final questions please let me know.
> 
> Phew, I'll probably be taking a little break from full-on writing for a bit, but I do have a few ideas up my sleeve, just got to decided which one I want to focus on. So I'll see you all again, on another wild adventure, at least now you all know what you could possibly be getting in for in the future, haha.
> 
> <3


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